Ace's World, pt. 2

One of the potential consequenses of the theme may be that Jex ends up spending more time here than in Politics!

1028. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:13:20 AM

A guy named Marjorie wants to lecture about manliness.

Okay. How's this? My new chariot:



To meet new thread guidelines and avoid deletion, please change "a guy" to "an asshole" in statement above. Note that I have also deliberately pixelated the graphic, which ought to count for something.

1030. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 11:15:24 AM

For those ridiculously snobby people:

Yes, tonight I'm beginning dinner with a delightful appetizer. BVLUGA caviar, selection of dry red and white wines, and a variety of peppers (Madagascarian olives stuffed with fresh garlic cloves from Italy) accompanied on crushed wheat crackers flown in last night from Israel. Next we will have a small salad made entirely of baby spinach, hand plucked after growing in a pollution-free hydroponics lab nearby. Dressing will be a homemade bacon ceasar complete with one whole egg from an organically fed hand raised chicken that lives with us. The main course is breast of the rare Indonesian Imichi bird, lightly seared in a mild curry and peppercorn, garnished with laser-cut carrots and radishes and one perfect dollop of a white cream sauce. Fresh cream sauce, mind you. Each breast will also have one New England potato (from New England, I'm sure!) lightly cooked in Swiss butter and Mexican chives.

For dessert, I have prepared two selections. One a chocolat et chocolat crepe. The crepe itself is a light yet amusing creation of west Indian cocoa and hazelnut. The freshly whipped chocolat on the inside is from double creamed reduced Belgian chocolate that I have whipped into a gloriously light mousse.

For those with more barbaric tastes, I have prepared a key lime pie made only from Floridian limes.

Both served with a variation of coffees from Greece, Albania, and Italy.

The after-dinner wine is from my Clos Rene collection, this one 1990, and a supple red one it is!

1031. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:15:56 AM

Official spam site:

1032. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:16:11 AM

Someone masquerading as a movie character cannot read, and therefore adds an e to my stolid clan moniker.

1033. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 11:17:23 AM

Is Marjori an assassin? He has zero charisma.

1034. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:18:07 AM

The main item on the menu at Jenerator's house is always tart.

1035. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 11:18:56 AM

These days I feed upon love-slaves. You wouldn't understand.

1036. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:21:50 AM

Banks is a first-level cab driver. Or so I've been told.

Beware his ability to get you confused on the way to the airport, leaving you dazed and distracted while his meter of ever-increasing fares drains your purse into his.

1037. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:24:32 AM

Jones,

I prefer to get paid upfront . So does Jenerator.

1038. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:27:21 AM

Varlet, you'll not insult yon fair maiden unchallenged.

It's go time!

1040. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:27:42 AM

Varlet, you'll not insult yon fair maiden unchallenged.

It's go time!

1041. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:27:51 AM

Varlet, you'll not insult yon fair maiden unchallenged.

It's go time!

1042. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:27:59 AM

Varlet, you'll not insult yon fair maiden unchallenged.

It's go time!

1043. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:28:51 AM

Obviously, go time refers to uncontrolled diarrhea.

1044. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:29:11 AM

Host(s): Can you delete one of the four posts I just made?

Thanks in advance.

1045. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:30:13 AM

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR ZIPPER IS UNZIPPED

10) The cucumber has left the salad.
9) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend his bells.
8) You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
7) Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
6) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
5) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
3) You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2) Men may be From Mars, .... but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.
1) You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

1046. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:30:44 AM

IJ - No.

1047. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:31:08 AM

Haha.

1048. Cellar Door - 4/4/2001 11:31:24 AM

And then there's Joe PANToliano.

1049. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:33:21 AM

> -----Original Message-----
> When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life,
> the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner
> party in his honor.
>
> At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with
> Madame deGaulle.
>
> "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such
> a presence on the French and International scene for so many
> years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What
> are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
>
> "A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
>
> A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...
> and no one knew what to say next.
>
> Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
> "Mon cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, 'appiness
>

1050. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:34:17 AM

Put that in your Joe Pantoliono Cellar!

Poopstain!!!!!

1051. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:38:34 AM

In the mid 60's a U.S. Navy cruiser put in to port in Houston for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a little
surprised to receive the following letter from the wife of a wealthy oil well owner:

Dear Captain,
Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's coming of age party. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers. They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One last point: No Jews--We don't like Jews.

Sure enough, at 8 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four exquisitely mannered, smiling
BLACK officers. Her lower jaw hit the floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, "There must be some mistake."

"Madam," said the first officer, "Captain Cohen doesn't make mistakes."

Sounds like da Moron's family doesn't it?

MAMA'S POOPSTAIN!

1052. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:40:12 AM

Now we're cookin' with gasoline.

1053. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:40:36 AM

Interesting article from India's The Telegraph:

"New Delhi, April 3: 
The capital got a taste of Calcutta's fury as mobs roamed the streets torching and damaging the few buses that had the permission to ply.

Their patience running thin after two days of struggle, thousands of commuters joined the backlash which, officials suspected, was engineered by transporters barred from running their pollution-belching buses for not complying with the Supreme Court order on using environment-friendly fuel instead of diesel.

A 2,000-strong mob set on fire five buses in Badarpur, on Delhi's southern fringes. Nearly 40 vehicles were damaged as people pelted them with stones. Police had to fire in the air to disperse the crowd.

Among the 47 people arrested from Badarpur, 16 are conductors, helpers or drivers of blue line buses which have been impounded for not meeting the court's guidelines.

Elsewhere in the city which is not known to express itself in unison, irate crowds, tired after waiting for hours at bus stops, deflated tyres and blocked vehicles from moving.

Police tried to calm the frenzied mob. "We are here not to fight a battle with the public, instead we are here to help them," said Suresh Roy, joint commissioner of police. "We are asking the people to abide by the law and not to take things in their hands," he appealed. At least 13 policemen were injured in the violence."

1054. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:42:00 AM

Dade County +253

Fentress County +22

Boone County -17

Chicago Sun Times +48

Rosie doesn't want to talk about it but that means Resident Moron lost Florida by 5,000 votes

Hear that, Rosie?

1055. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:42:21 AM

Toys

1056. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:42:37 AM

Toys, shit

1057. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:42:55 AM

Toys, dammit.

1058. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:43:12 AM

For the love of heaven, toys!

1059. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:43:40 AM

Somebody help me out here.

1060. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 11:44:13 AM

Sure, stand in the doorway.

1061. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:44:25 AM

go time, eh?

1062. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 11:49:58 AM

Banks is just itching for a skull-fucking.

Gallup news is Poopstain's tax policy going down the crapper!

ASED ON -- 548 -- WHO APPROVE OF BUSH; ±5 PCT. PTS.


2001 Mar
26-28


Specific Policies
16
Agree with his tax plan
8
Agree with his policies in general
4

1063. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 11:59:38 AM

Jones,

After reviewing the available evidence, it is clear to one and all that your skull is already fucked.

Now go play with the little girlies, this place is for the big boys.

1064. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 12:01:01 PM

Unless you're going to post some more chick pictures. And if you are, I'd like to request some more exotic ones than the ones you've been coming up with so far.

1065. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 12:02:22 PM

IJ - You idiotic dishonest lying bastard. All you socialist liberal crypto-fascists make shit like this up all the time in hopes that some of it will stick. Well it won't work. Go back to Indiana you fucking commie.

1066. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 12:10:34 PM

13795. concerned - 4/4/01 5:42:33 AM

Jexster - read this and cry your tiny little eyeballs out.

From the NYT:


An Analysis of Florida Balloting Favors Bush

MIAMI, April 3 (AP) - A newspaper review of Florida's "undervote" ballots concludes that President Bush would almost certainly have still won the state had the United States Supreme Court allowed a hand recount to be completed.

The Miami Herald and USA Today reported in Wednesday's papers that Mr. Bush would have expanded his 537-vote margin of victory to 1,665 votes if the recount ordered by the Florida Supreme Court had gone ahead under the most inclusive standards, where even partial punches and dimples were counted as votes.

When the process was stopped, recounts using a variety of standards had already had been completed in seven counties - Broward, Escambia, Hamilton, Madison, Manatee, Palm Beach and Volusia -- and in 139 Miami-Dade County precincts.

Mr. Bush's 1,665 margin was based on the assumption that those numbers would stand, but that in all the rest of the state the most generous standards would be applied.

1067. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 12:15:08 PM

So you want to play, hunh?

Banks' "exotic" girlfriend:

1068. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 12:21:04 PM

My exotic girlfriend:

1069. bubbaette - 4/4/2001 12:23:00 PM

IJ

Your girlfriend looks like a blank to me.

1070. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 12:24:03 PM

Hey Indy,

Check out this picture of Marjori, what a total geek he is! But didn't we already know that?

Marjori at his day job.

1071. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 12:26:46 PM

You need to put one of those warning signs like JF does on links like that, Jen.

Yecchhhh.

1072. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 12:28:07 PM

bubba: You mean the image doesn't show up? You must be filtered or sumthin'.

1074. bubbaette - 4/4/2001 12:31:57 PM

A study by Lifestyles Condom Co. shows that the average length of a male sex organ is 5.877 inches - which might comfort men who previously thought they were less than average.
"The Kinsey Sex Report and other penis size surveys have indicated that the length of the penis is 6.2 to 6.4 inches," says Simon Joseph, a spokesman for Lifestyles. "Our results show that about three-quarters of men fall under the average quoted by Kinsey."

"A half-inch or less might not have anything to do with how you perform sexually, but it might make a difference in how you feel about yourself."

According to the survey, about two-thirds of the 300 college-aged men ranged from between 5.1 and 6.2 inches.


For those of you who don't like to deal in raw numbers, at 5.877 inches, the average penis is about the size of a Nestle Butterfinger candy bar (unwrapped) or a grande (medium) cup of coffee at Starbucks (with the sip lid). Most men vary in size between a Twix bar and a Peter Paul Mounds (with the wrapper extended).

When Alfred Kinsey did his groundbreaking research in the mid-1940s, researchers simply gave men stamped postcards. Each one simply held a postcard against his erect penis, marked how long it was, and slipped the results in the mail.

"They never had to hold a ruler against themselves," says Kinsey spokesman Jennifer Bass.

Measuring an erect penis is no easy matter. Kinsey, Masters and Johnson, and various urology groups have been satisfied with either letting the men do it themselves or with surveys of a few dozen volunteers.

1075. bubbaette - 4/4/2001 12:33:02 PM

But condom companies need more accurate measurements for the best-fitting products - even if sex experts assure us that size doesn't matter. Lifestyles says it did the largest and most accurate measure of penis size ever just three weeks ago. Company representatives went to Cancun, Mexico, at the heart of spring break, hoping to get 1,000 guys to drop their trousers, get aroused, and let a team of nurses measure them individually.

The guys got to go into a private tent outside Daddy Rock nightclub, where they found girlie magazines and other items to put them in the mood. Then came the doctor and two nurses. Each penis was measured by two of the four nurses.

"It was a highly professional operation," said Dr. Francisco Ordonez, who supervised the research. "The nurses wore disposable latex gloves and the men were all good-humored and well-behaved."

It's amazing what some college guys on spring break will do for some free T-shirts, condoms and other prizes. The researchers thought holding the testing in such an environment, where guys tended to cluster in bunches, would help get true variety.

"In other tests, guys responded individually, and perhaps only guys who were proud of their penis size would respond," says Joseph. "In this test, we thought peer pressure would help coax guys who wouldn't ordinarily do such a thing into doing it."

Still, when it came time for measuring, about 25 percent of the guys weren't up to the job and had to face a little humiliation in the name of science.

Ordonez and his team had to be satisfied with 300 respondents. That's far fewer than they hoped for. But it's nearly twice as many as a similar study in Brazil last year, which had similar results.

1076. bubbaette - 4/4/2001 12:33:37 PM

The Importance of Girth

"It's absolutely important that we have the best information to make the best-fitting condom," said Carol Carrozza, Lifestyle's vice president of marketing. "If a condom is too tight, it constricts circulation. It's uncomfortable, and it reduces sensitivity. If it's too loose, that's dangerous."


Carrozza says the circumference of the penis - otherwise referred to as girth - is often more important than length when new condom sizes are considered. "Because of the way condoms unroll, it's really not the case that they are not long enough."

According to the study, the average erect penis had a girth of 4.972 inches. About 75 percent of men were between 4.5 and 5.5 inches.

"We already have a larger condom," says Carrozza. "What our research shows is that 17 percent of erections measured under 4.5 inches, and there might be a market for that."

Of course, once again, the frail male ego comes into play, and while condoms come in large, studded, ribbed and flavored varieties, you don't see small or petite or narrow models. We'll just have to see what kind of circumlocution the marketing folks come up with.

(Thanks to a link from cllrdr)

1077. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 12:33:46 PM

The trend is moving in my direction.

Woo hoo!


(poopstain!)

1078. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 12:38:23 PM

Our results show that about three-quarters of men fall under the average quoted by Kinsey."

Oh my God! We really are losing our manhood! The fucking conservatives are right!

1079. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 12:39:16 PM

Updated Florida Recount Totals:

Beaver Univerity Standard-Telegraph Editorialist's Estimate of Palm Beach Posts' selective recount of Escobeda County: +343

Six ballots I found in my sock-drawer: +6

Ms. Ira Horowitz' ballot (never sent but fully filled out, honestly): +1

Absentee ballots from Ernst Stavro Blofeld's & Emilio Largo's cavern-rock-and-steel secret headquarters in the Keys: MINUS 88 (ex-military guys and fascists, therefore Bush voters)

"Rico" Tubbs from Miami Vice: +1

1080. bubbaette - 4/4/2001 12:42:38 PM

As part of national Public Service Recognition Week, the Virginia Chapter of the American Society for Public Administration will be sponsoring a panel discussion on "Motivating the Public Service Workforce" on May 9th at noon in the General Assembly Building, conference room 5E. Please mark your calendars!

1081. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 12:43:51 PM

Four anti-Castro Cuban terrorists who have been hiding out in a bodega basement since the shit went down at the Bay of Pigs: +1 Bush

Doris Duke's cat (allowed to vote under the terms of Doris Duke's will): +1 Gore

88 untabulated children's ballots from the Weekly Reader survey: +27 Gore

1083. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 1:10:10 PM

I'm sorry Cellar, your post violated the parameters of this thread. Please go back and cut and paste the item in question.

1084. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 1:23:44 PM

giant timber bamboo - bambusa oldhamii -
grows 18 feet in a season - 3 inches thich -

before you go to work look at the height, and when you come back home you can notice the growth. costs $90-$190 a gallon and must be specially ordered.

punting pole bamboo - bambusa tuldoidesi -

grows as large as giant timber bamboo but its not as thick, but its leafier

bambusa glaucescens - also can be used as a hedge - a big weed like the other tow

dont let bamboo dry out in 1st summer planting. you can tell because the leaves roll up like cigarette papers and become very narrow

1085. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 1:39:44 PM

Oooh, now that's a nice post. Good plants bamboo. You know the Bambusa glaucescens is great for using to surround your Sensimilla patch. Man, like the bamboo totally hides the Sens for sight man, and you can like use the leaves as rolling papers and toke up right next to the plant. Too freakin' cool.

1086. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 1:41:38 PM

Like, did you notice that the name of the bamboo has glaucoman virtually in the species name! Too freakin' coincidental what with weed being a sovereign remedy for glaucoma! Toke on dudes and dudettes!

1087. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 1:54:26 PM

Jen: Hope for Banks yet

1088. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 2:26:49 PM

It makes perfect sense.




(No wonder he's a poor, poor cab-driver...)

1089. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 2:50:36 PM

That article helps to explain the impact I have on women; I sweat profusely and am darkly attractive, and I mean, if sweat can help people as unattractive as the Major imagine its impact when coupled with someone, such as myself, who is already eye candy.

1090. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 2:56:45 PM

Heads up on tomorows theme:

In honor of my current residence in a hotel in Dublin, tomorows theme will be A Gift of for the Blarney. Posters are invited to post tall stories, without stating if the story is true or not, and we will vote on whether or not we believe the story to be true or made up. Person to fool the most people wins the burden of...I mean the right to pick the next days theme. So start thinking about fantastic incidents in your life, true or imagined.

I realize that this theme overlaps with both the Literature, Theirs, Ours, Aliens, Whatever and the Quiz threads, but fuck 'em.

1091. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 2:59:47 PM

I like yer attitude, smelly boy!

1093. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 3:10:31 PM

Here's a tall tale:

I had a good thread, and then I invited Rainman the GURPS-monkey to cohost, and now it's all gone to hell in a handbasket in a matter of twelve hours.

1094. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:15:23 PM

Get over it dog lover. Stop insulting me or I'll take your name off the fucking thread and delete every fucking one of your stupid ass posts. Capiche?

1095. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 3:16:16 PM

Oooooooooooh Fight! Fight! Fight!

1096. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:16:56 PM

Here's a shot accross your bow dog breath, where's your precious post #1092 now?

1097. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 3:20:21 PM

Good lord. Meet Dr. XavierTColtrane the second.

The "T" stands for "Thread-Killer."

How the fuck did I let Rainman talk me into giving him the keys to the Cadilac?

1098. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:22:58 PM

You call this thread a freakin' Cadilac[sic]!?! Shit this thing was flat lining when I agreed to come in and keep on artificial insemination until you got done jacking off and now you want to claim I scratched the paint on your Pinto! What a Blehm!

1099. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 3:25:02 PM

Jesus, he's killing the dream.


He's a madman. An *incompetent* madman.

1100. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:27:35 PM

Jesus, he's killing the dream. The Blehm whines about my competency, but he couldn't keep his little wet dream going on his own, had to call in the calvary and then complains when he steps in horse shit. What a maroon!

1101. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 3:29:21 PM

Hey, let's play Whist. That's as exciting as "Blarney."

What a retard.

1102. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:31:33 PM

Fuckin' Whist, a moron's rip off version of bridge. Please, don't embarass yourself further, stick to tormenting Jade.

1103. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:43:22 PM

Good dog breath, nice to see you can occasionally take direction.

1104. vonKreedon - 4/4/2001 3:44:02 PM

Well, with that well earned victory under my belt I will sign off and go to bed.

1105. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 4:01:56 PM

vK:

Aw, come on....stick around and have a few more 7&7's, or whatever it is you're drinking. (It definitely appears to be something.)



Banks:

Quick question re Message # 1053: Is there any particular reason why India is still a sovereign nation, other than the fact that no civilized country wants to be saddled with a billion spearchuckers who can program the shit out of a computer, and run a Kwik-E-Mart like no one's business, but still haven't conquered the tough diseases like leprosy and beri-beri?

Just wondering.

1106. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 4:17:05 PM

Actually, that is the main reason right there.

Plus we have the bomb.

1107. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 4:21:06 PM

A *small*, puny little bomb, reeking of Curry.

1108. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 4:25:16 PM

Oh yeah, the bomb thing. You and Pakistan, that other paragon of civilization. Scary thought, indeed.

Actually, it does seem that given its diversity, India has done a decent job of holding itself together. But the regular reports of mass mob violence over really stupid shit -- I dunno. It sounds like the country is one enormous soccer riot that doesn't bathe.

What you need is more man-eating tigers to clear out the riff-raff. And maybe convincing some of the folk to let their daughters live once in a while.

1109. marjoribanks - 4/4/2001 4:30:12 PM

I'll take those useful pointers to the PM, Cartman. Thanks. BTW, the mob violence was over some truly important shit in this case, the right to public transport. personally, I like it when mobs act about things like that - please note that no one was killed.

BTW, look who's in India today.

1110. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 4:36:04 PM

Banks:

Huh. I didn't know public tranportation was a "right". You learn something new every day.

But by all means, please do let the PM know my concerns. I can help, if only he'll let me. (It is a guy this month, right?)

What's Fatboy over there for anyway? Hiding out from the ol' ball-and-chain again?

1111. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 4:49:34 PM

Cartman,

Is there any chance you're going to be funny in any one of these posts?

Actually, you were never really funny, come to think of it. You just sort of stole some of my bits and through in the words "Homey" and "Down-Girl" and other black slang and blended it all together in a goopey, unfunny gruel.

1112. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 4:56:40 PM

I don't know...that Message # 1105 was pretty funny Ace!

1113. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:00:06 PM

"Quick question re Message # 1053: Is there any particular reason why India is still a sovereign nation..."

An Ace-like opening riff, showing some promise.

"other than the fact that no civilized country wants to be saddled with a billion spearchuckers"

A tad racist. Lifted from howard Stern.

"who can program the shit out of a computer,"

ditto. And obvious.

"and run a Kwik-E-Mart like no one's business,"

Now we go off the rails completely. One, this is just a Simpsons reference. Two, it's worse than that: Every failed, bad comedian in the eighties and nineties did ten grueling minutes on Indians and Iranians owning Seven-11's.

" but still haven't conquered the tough diseases like leprosy and beri-beri?"

Again, very obvious, and sort of Stern-like.

Ace's rating:

Zero Aces out of Four. Jack-high at best.

1114. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:02:25 PM

Ace:

You're breaking my heart, Down-Girl. I've always craved your approval on "funny". Really. (And you've never been shy about stealing my shit, either, butt-burglar.)

But really, I never had to swipe any black slang from your monkey ass. While you were pissing your pants in third grade, I was a year older and wiser and living with my dad in charming suburbs like Compton and Bellflower with his new (black) wife and her four kids. Dipshit. I was doing the dozens on chumps like you before you knew how to ride a bike.


("Down-Girl"??!?!?!! What the fuck is that? Are you listening to Lenny Kravitz or something? Poser.)

1115. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:04:30 PM

Good lord. Ace is now deconstructing one of my riffs. Are you that desperate, douchebag?

Never mind. Go back to discussing GURPS with your sidekick. You're much better at that.

1116. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:06:04 PM

"Ace-like opening riff". You wish. You haven't been funny since Rosie O'Donnell stopped donating material to your scam charity benefits.

1117. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:09:04 PM

"(And you've never been shy about stealing my shit, either, butt-burglar.)"

This is the ghastliest lie ever told about me.

"Butt-burglar." Hmmm, that's funny. Real funny. Like HEE-HAW funny. I think I'll add that to my store of purloined Cartman "material."

1118. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:13:32 PM

True story, re black slang: One year (I was probably 10 or 11), I stayed with my dad down in Compton for about six months. When I came back up north, for a few weeks I annoyed everyone with the black syntax I had just naturally picked up in the 'hood.

It was mostly minor shit, like saying "fit-ty cint" instead of "fifty cents". And it wasn't an act; my dad, being a Greyhound driver, was gone about 95% of the time, so that was all I'd heard and said for 6 months.

So I'm back home, and my mom and I are coming home from the store, and my mom reminds me to clean my room. I swear to God, I didn't even think, I just looked at her like Gary Fucking Coleman and said, "Nigga please! Clean yo own damn room, fool!"

Naturally, hijinks ensued.

1119. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:13:41 PM

'But really, I never had to swipe any black slang from your monkey ass. While you were pissing your pants in third grade, I was a year older and wiser and living with my dad in charming suburbs like Compton and Bellflower with his new (black) wife and her four kids. Dipshit. I was doing the dozens on chumps like you before you knew how to ride a bike.'

I didn't say you stole the slang. I said you stole half of my act (the lame part, as it turns out) and added some dated "You be illin'" black slang to it, and then turned that all into one big goopey unfunny puree.


You are, and always have been, Ellen DeGeneres bo my Jerry Seinfeld, and Dennis Miller to my Anyone-else-BUT-Dennis Miller.

1120. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:14:48 PM

"Naturally, hijinks ensued."

If the hijinks were funny, why not tell us about them rather than this gruelingly unfunny set-up?

1121. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:15:22 PM

Whatever, Ace. Don't worry, I'm just killing time until I gotta take my wife into the delivery room at 6AM tomorrow morning.

So you'll have all the humor to yourself soon enough. Or you can trade bons mots with vK on what to wear to GenCon50.

Till then, suck my cock.

1122. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:16:30 PM

Whatever. You be illin', homey.

1123. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:18:45 PM

There was a funny Simpsons moment when Marge is watching a dreadful fake sitcom. She turns to Homer and asks: "What do you want to watch? Talk to the Hand or Don't Go There!?"


I can see Cartman serving as a very bad writer on either of these fictitious sitcom abortions.

1124. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 5:19:25 PM

There are some puffed up feathers in here. It must be from Marjori's b.o.

1125. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:20:13 PM

That's only part of it. Sure, I don't like the stinging in my eyes, but mainly it's just Cartman's Yakov Smirnoff impression.


What a country.

1126. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 5:21:08 PM

How do you know when to take her, Cartman? Is it caesarean?

1127. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 5:24:48 PM

Cart,

Please tell me you're not going to take any graphic pictures.(?) I've told my new hubby that when we have kids, he is not allowed to take snap-shots of the actual birth. In fact, I'm not so sure I want him to see the birth. He can be in the room, but I've heard too many horry stories from husbands that watching the actual incident freaked them out and changed their attitude towards a certain female body part. If you know what I'm saying...

1128. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:24:49 PM

Indy:

No, they're going to induce because she's 10 days overdue.



Ace:

Fuck off and die, you smarmy fuck. That Yakov Smirnoff enough for you, cunt?

1129. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:25:37 PM

"Fuck off and die, you smarmy fuck. That Yakov Smirnoff enough for you, cunt? "

What a country.

1130. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:27:38 PM

Leave the blue material to those of us who know how to use it, "Homes."

You don't need to work blue. You've got talent. Well, not talent. But you've got something.

You have shoes. That's it. You have shoes. And shoes can take you far, kid. Shoes can take you straight to the joke-book section of Spencer's Gifts where you can pick up "Jackie the Jokeman's 1001 Put-Downs to use at Parties."

1131. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:28:58 PM

Jen:

Yes, I know exactly what you're saying, and no, there won't any "graphic" shots at all. I won't even pick up the camera until they get the baby cleaned up.

I don't know what to think about people who want to look at all the gooey stuff....very odd. And I would think most women are uncomfortable/embarrassed by that sort of thing.

1132. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:31:31 PM

Cartman's idea of "wit" is wearing a "Who farted?" tee-shirt.

1133. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 5:32:02 PM

Good luck, man.

Don't worry too much about what Jen says. Remember: we all came out that way once and it didn't affect our attitude about the exit corridor none. But make sure you keep her hands away from your gem dandies--if she can get a grip on 'em when she starts with the transition labor, then you may have a whole new orientation entirely.

And you could probably join the Berghoff Boys' Choir.

1134. Jenerator - 4/4/2001 5:32:04 PM

Okay, good. Best wishes to the two of you.





I must go for now and the leave the rest of you in this foul smelling testosterone tank of armpit oil.

1135. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:33:21 PM

I don't need Jackie the Jokeman's books, fuckwad. I've got Hot Dogs & Donuts, featuring the Master himself holding a donut in one hand, and approaching it with the hot dog in the other hand.

It's supposed to be....well, you know what it's supposed to mean.

Or maybe you don't.

And it's not "Homes", moron. It's "Holmes". H-O-L-M-E-S. Holmes. Like Sherlock. Or Mycroft. Or Johnny Wadd. Holmes. Got it? Good.

Christ, I'm explaining this to a guy who doesn't know the difference between "through" and "threw".

Let's change the subject: Ace, you're a Denis Leary fan, aren't you? Have you seen The Job yet?

1136. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:34:24 PM

"Let's change the subject: Ace, you're a Denis Leary fan, aren't you?"

Yes.

"Have you seen The Job yet?"

No. I don't watch "shows." Shows are for women.

1137. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:35:43 PM

I know you like keeping up with your "stories," though.

1138. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 5:37:17 PM

Foul-smelling testosterone? Heck, we were talking about child birthin' and everything.

We're modern men. We not only knock the gals up, we bite the umbilical cords with our teeth when spanky comes.

Then we set jr. up with a ho' on his 15th birthday.

Great dadas, one and all.

1139. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:38:09 PM

Cartman's "Stories"

1. Oz
2. Days of our Lives
3. The Job
4. The Sopranos
5. The Bold & the Beautiful
6. Falcon Crest (owns entire series run on DVD)
7. Guiding Light
8. General Hospital
9. The West Wing
10. Sabrina the Teen-Age Witch

1140. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:39:42 PM

11. (oops, I forgot) NYPD Blue, before they "sold out"

1141. Indiana Jones - 4/4/2001 5:39:44 PM

Personally, the day they canceled Another World knocked me so low I had to go back to drinking strawberry daiquiris in the afternoon.

I couldn't even drag myself out of my housecoat and bunny slippers for a week.

1142. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:40:18 PM

I hear ya.

1143. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:40:40 PM

Cartman's idea of "wit" is wearing a "Who farted?" tee-shirt.

And yours isn't.

What, are you Quentin Fucking Crisp all of a sudden? Or is that Oscar Fucking Wilde?

Shee-it. Mister Fucking Refined Sensibilities. "I say, Jeeves, that Caht-man is quite the boisterous rogue, is he not?"

"Veddy good suh. He is, as you say, a regular Yakov Smirnoff. What a country. Ha ha."

"Tut tut. It is so. Shall we discuss Gurps over ahfternoon tea?"

"Yes, I think we shall. Come along, then."

1144. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:42:41 PM

"Veddy good suh. He is, as you say, a regular Yakov Smirnoff. What a country. Ha ha."


Suh? Are you confusing Bernie Wooster & Jeeves with, perhaps, Foghorn Leghorn and Colonel Sanders?

1145. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:43:20 PM

Suh.


What a country.

1146. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:43:52 PM

Yes, Ace. Shows are for women. That's why they had Liz Hurley on The Job last week.

Actually, there was a very good Ace-like riff in there, but since you're being a fucking cunt, I won't tell you now.

Also, on your list of my favorite shows, you forgot Oprah. Dunce. AlsoRosie. Talent with a capital T.

By the way, if shows are for women, then why are you watching Survivor? I mean, besides the fact that you're a fucking moron.

1147. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:45:14 PM

Are you confusing Bernie Wooster & Jeeves with, perhaps, Foghorn Leghorn and Colonel Sanders?

You mean they're not the same guys?

1148. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:45:41 PM

The Lifetime Channel: Television for Women... and Cartman.

Cartman, do you prefer your made-for-tv movies with Meredith Baxter-Birney or Valerie Bertanelli?

1149. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:46:31 PM

"Actually, there was a very good Ace-like riff in there"

If it's an ace-like riff, I'm sure I've herad it. From you.

1150. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:51:36 PM

Um, yeah. Now that's funny. Cartman watches Lifetime.

It's funny because it's true.

Truly, I am learning at the feet of the master.



Give it a rest already, Ace. Obviously, you're not even funny enough to steal from in the first place. Why don't you go pound some chili-cheese fries and some malt liquor with Aidan Quinn, and then come back and lecture me some more on what's funny, and how I'm a plagiarist, stealing all your bitchin' comedy gold.

(If indeed you can successfully spell "plagiarist".)

Bring it on, "Homes".

1151. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 5:53:04 PM

Come on, Fatboy. Show me what's funny. Let's hear some more "What a country" and "Lifetime for Women" riffs. Those never get stale.

Fuckin' pussy.

1152. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:53:46 PM

"Why don't you go pound some chili-cheese fries and some malt liquor with Aidan Quinn"

Did I tell you that story, fuckface?

Anyway, I'm sorry I've wounded you so badly. But someone had to tell you.

1153. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:54:47 PM

Cartman's the guy at the party who insists on telling you all about last night's episode of Everyone Loves Raymond

1154. AceofSpades - 4/4/2001 5:55:22 PM

Cart, why don't you break out the old Wookie jokes?

They're all good too. Especially the ones you lifted from FU.

1155. wonkers2 - 4/4/2001 5:57:00 PM

Cap'n Dirty sez "Cut the crap and pervide some pitchers."

1156. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 6:15:28 PM

Never seen Everybody Loves Raymond. Never heard a Wookie joke. Don't know what you're talking about. As usual.

Anyway, I'm sorry I've wounded you so badly.

Aw, that's sweet, Mary, but like your third nipple, totally unnecessary. I'd have to care to be "wounded".

Either you're fucking around, in which case it's mildly funny but getting stale, or you're serious, in which case what the fuck would I care about what a mediocrity like yourself thinks about anything?

1157. EricCartman - 4/4/2001 6:29:43 PM

Still waiting for my comedy lesson from Master Ace. Help me out here, Chief.

Please.

Help.

I tried paging back to find one of your jokes to deconstruct, but damned if I could find a single one.

So please. Without your guidance, I'll have to go back to swiping Pauly Shore's material. Help me, O Great Comedy Guru.

That is, if you're not busy looking for Olivia Newton-John hits to download from Napster. Or doing another Goldfinger rewrite.

Let's go, bitch.

1158. Jon Ferguson - 4/4/2001 6:47:22 PM

Well, at least you kids have stopped humpin' Jen's leg for a few minutes.

I guess that's an improvement.

1159. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:34:44 AM

The theme for the day is Blarney stories. Posters are encouraged to post tall tales, either entirely true or greatly enhanced or entirely made up. Blarney stories should be combination shaggy dog and tall tale, presented with the assurance that you'd never ever lie to us about such things. We will then vote on whether the story is true or not. The winner is the person who fools the greatest percentage of voters.

As always, all posts must meet a rigorous, yet vague and secretive, set of guidelines. Any post that does not meet the guidelines will be deleted or randomly moved.

1160. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:36:22 AM

Ach, let me just suck the foam off of this pint a' Guinness here......ah, now that's good.

Well, now, let me tell you about the mosquitos of Gifford-Pinchot, nastiest bunch of swarming bloodsoockers you can imagine, makes me blood thin just thinkin' o' them.

It was the spring of either '79 or '80....no must have been '79 'cause St. Helens blew and knocked all the trees down in '80, so I was working for Bob Berglund digging up trees in the Gifford-Pinchot. People tend to assume that I mean planting trees, but no we were digging trees up and selling them into bondage for landscaping at malls and housing developments. Anyway, Berglund was a mighty man, near as wide as he was tall and seemed like he'd been born with a shovel in his hand. We was diggin' up trees as big as 18 to 22 feet tall. Usually it would take two or three of us to dig up a tree of that size, but I tell you one time I looked over at Bob and he was standin' by himself lookin' up and down at this beautiful but massive 22 foot hemlock. I went back to diggin' the little six foot tree I was workin' on and when I popped her out of the ground and looked round there was Bob grinnin' like the bleedin' Cheshire cat and that 22 food beauty was lyin' on her side! The man was a driven desperate workaholic; he never seemed to sleep except when he was drivin' and used to eat handfuls of Folger's crystals to keep from running off the road.

1161. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:37:13 AM

But I'm not here to tell ya' about Bob Berglund, though actually this whole experience led us to some consume some rather strange foods. We was tryin' to find ways to up our garlic intake so as to discourage the wee little bloodsoockers when we discovered that peanut butter, honey and garlic sandwiches are very good. I swear that it's true on the eventual grave of me still livin' mother. But I'm not here to tell you about what we ate either, so I'll spare you the description o' the granola, butter, coffe crystals, hot chocolate mix and hot water that I ate for breakfast every day.

Well, we were up in the Indian Heaven huckleberry fields diggin' up trees to make more room for the huckleberrys. Actually 'a corse we couldn't give a foock about makin' room for the bleedin' berries, the berries were everywhere, they were in the fookin' way of our gettin' to the fookin' trees. At any rate, we were after sellin' the trees, but the freddies sold us the license so that we would take out trees and make room for the berries. We had a crew of about half a dozen boyos diggin' up trees...well now, I guess I'd have to tell you a wee bit about diggin up the trees. You find a comely lookin' specimen of spruce or hemlock or fir and you dig around the drip line, under the tree and snap the tap root and pop 'er out of the ground. Then the work begins. You have to wrap the bloody root ball in burlap and tighten the sackin' down good and tight usin' nails as levers and fasteners. One time Bob's wife bought us a new set o' nails and the buggers were galvanized! Fookin' bitch it was to trying to push the galvanized nails through the burlap, let me tell you.

1162. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:37:39 AM

But me story's not about wrappin' the root balls of the fookin' trees, it's about the fookin' mosquitos. So, it was spring and the meadows were full o' little ponds an puddles, every one o' them teemin' with fookin' mosquito larvae. The air was so thick with these monsters that at times we'd look up thinkin' that a haze had moved in and find that there was a cloud o' mosquitos between us and the sun. One time one of the crew, a tall city slicker who'd never imagined such an infestation of bugs outside of a horror or sci-fi movie, just lost his mind and stampeded through the woods like he was some deranged caribou or somethin'. When he finally snapped out of his delerium he was well and truly lost. It took us 45 minutes to find the lad. Another time I was wrappin' the root ball of a tree, goin' as fast as I could with the tree fair in me lap, an' out o' the corners of me eyes I could see that me forarms and hands seemed to be gettin' tan at a furious rate. I finished up the tree an' took a look at me arms and found that I'd grown fur! I looked again and realized that I had mosquitos suckin' at near every pore! Nothin' seemed to stop the sookers. We would laquer ourselves with Cutters every twenty minutes, but this would only slow 'em down. Instead of bein' furred with the monsters we'd be surrounded by a cloud of 'em each one touchin' down and then bein' repelled until finally you'd sweat enough that the repellent would start to wash away and in they'd come!

This story is truly true, every word of it, I swear to you as 'me mother's maiden name was Carroll and her mother's was Flanagan.

1163. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 9:10:57 AM

You've set a high bar, lad, and you may intimidate the begeezis out of other pretenders to yer throne.

1164. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:14:48 AM

Fook! That'll mean that I'm stook with comin' oop with tomorrow's theme, blast and begorah!

But seriously folks, take my life.....please.

1165. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:21:24 AM

From Slate's review of That's My Bush!

When the Funny Next-Door Neighbor (John D'Aquino) strolls into the Oval Office (past unblinking Secret Service agents) and plants himself in an easy chair, the formula calls for him to crack a joke, so he tells the president his lawn is full of snew. ("What's snew?" "Nothing much, what's snew with you?") Each episode ends with a ludicrously inadequate homily or lesson, such as the realization of Laura Bush (Carrie Quinn Dolin) why it's hard for pro-lifers and pro-choicers to agree: "Because, in a way, they're both right." When his wife tells him off, George smiles, makes a fist, and announces, "One of these days, Laura, I'm going to"-and here the audience joins in-"punch you in the face!!!" Raucous laughter all around at the prospect of a good wife-beating.

I wonder is Ace's new project isn't writing for this show? These jokes have got Ace written all over them.

1166. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 9:27:11 AM

I saw that show -- or at least a bit of it -- after South Park last night. It really and truly sucked. It sucked so bad I was amazed that anyone gave it air time, much less hyped it.

1167. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:30:03 AM

Umm... Bub if you want to discuss the actual show you should go to Movies/Television, this space is reserved for dising Ace's supposed sense of humor. Thank you for your cooperation.

1168. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 9:35:05 AM

And here I was wonderin' whether the man hadn't done enough by pilfer'n most of the other Mote threads but what he now had his heart set on Movies & TV too.

Even this contest reminds me of that gimpy Dick Clark show what had Number One as host.

So is Ace Dick and vonK Jonathan Frakes (or whatever the lad's name is)?

I've studied on it awhile and I say the yarn in post 1162 is true. Cept'n for the Cooters part.

Knowin' vonK as I do (never met him in my life), I'm thinking he used "Skin So Soft" to repel those bloodsookers.

1169. marjoribanks - 4/5/2001 9:36:46 AM

Another astonishingly bad idea from VonK.

Kudos, VonK, kudos.

1170. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 9:37:50 AM

VonK

The show reached new lows of suckitude, nearly as low as Ace's "humor" evidenced on this thread -- a suckitude level currently untouched by even the lamest sitcoms.

That better?

1171. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:38:08 AM

IJ - Is that a vote for my tale not being true, since to be true it has to be completely true, even the part about the cooters.

Bub - On second thought I think that IJ is on to something, feel free to comment on survivor. Do you think that Amanda will be booted?

1172. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:39:01 AM

Thank you Major!

Very good Bub, very good.

1173. RickNelson - 4/5/2001 9:44:06 AM

vK, Not true.

1174. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 9:51:41 AM

In honor of the new thread subject...Kathy Ireland:

1175. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 9:52:14 AM

I vote for true on vonK's story.

1177. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 9:56:18 AM

IJ - Remember that you can't link from GeoCities anymore.

So far one story with voting split 1-1

1179. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 10:00:22 AM

Blarney. Well, I have to strike a lick, so I'll fix that later.

Lots of Kathy Ireland to make up for it and to celebrate the occasion.

I'm off to watch Darby O'Gill and the Little People and drink a pint o' Guiness.

1183. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:08:09 AM

This SUCKS!!!!!

3rd attempt at simple HTML.....

Message # 11802 in thread 25

1184. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 10:09:28 AM

Ms - Why not just cut and paste?

1185. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:09:30 AM

Huzzah!

3rd time kisses the blarny stone!

1186. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:10:17 AM

vK

I don't do no stinking cut and paste....


Besides I wouldn't want to be accused of spam.

1187. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 10:10:53 AM

Here is the Ms' entry:

As part of the original bankroll for this site, I'd like to express my total confidence in JJ and the rest of the moderators that the money is being well safeguarded for future needs.

Last I heard Jay and Alistair sent a team of ex-military commandos to patrol the Swiss bank where the money is being kept in a deep and very thick vault (with a triple locking mechanism).

In addition, I heard Wabbit contacted the Bunny Underground to station Polish Rabbits (the attack experts) at key points along the building's perimeter, just to ensure that no stray dogs carrying lettuce slipped through the commando patrol.

Then I heard that Irving sent some of his ubiquitous servants over to JJ's house just to make sure nothing stressed him out to the point of needing to take a vacation, at least not without signing over his power of attorney to Jay.

I also thought it was, by now, common knowledge that an attempt to steal the funds by those crazy mid-western treasure hunters was soundly nipped in the bud by the bunny squad, who managed to alert the commandos, who in turn used a large magnet to round up the thieves by the metal detector machines permanently attached to their arms.

All in all, I must say that I feel pretty confident that the money is in good hands (and paws).

1189. RickNelson - 4/5/2001 10:15:51 AM

hahahahaha

1190. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 10:17:03 AM

Ms.

As a member of the cabal, I happen to know that your story is TRUE!

1191. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 10:20:04 AM

Here, for your reading pleasure, is a tale from Dusty indicating that Clinton is responsible for the current standoff with China:

14305. Dusty - 4/5/01 3:04:37 PM

I think I've figured out the China conundrum.

It seemed odd that supposedly intelligent people would be insisting on an apology for something that wasn't our fault.

Then I realized that the Chinese had gotten too used to Clinton over the last eight years, watching him apologize for almost everything except that which was his fault. Ergo, the Chinese think the US policy is to apologize for bad shit, especially when it isn't the fault of the person apologizing.

We need to let them know that we don't do that anymore.

1192. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 10:21:21 AM

I call bullshit on the Ms' entry.

Two entries:

vK: 1 true - 1 false
MsIT:1 true - 1 false

1193. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 10:23:14 AM

Bub - Very nice try, but you have to come up with the entry your own self. Plus it needs waaay more embelishment to really qualify.

1194. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:23:51 AM

What a scam this guy has going!

It's the truth, the whole truth, so help me Blarney.

1195. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 10:24:56 AM

Moi? Is that a vote for the inveracity of my story?

1196. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:25:38 AM

I vote 1

Otherwise, mum's the word.

1197. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 10:33:12 AM

VonK

Make up yer mind. First ya tell me that I should cut and paste and now ya tell me that I hafta draft from scratch.

1198. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 10:37:18 AM

vK just likes to be the power hungry deletion man around this place.

1199. glendajean - 4/5/2001 10:49:46 AM

It was a month or so ago. I am ashamed I cannot remember the date. I was flipping past the fecal descriptions in the Politics thread ... actually, I was rolling past the comments with this little wheel on my mouse ... blah, blah, blah ... when I read one of Ace's defense of all things conservative.

It is better to give back to the people what belongs to them than to the bloodsuckers of Washington, those nasty liberals.... you know the rest of the argument.

No, maybe it wasn't a defense of conservative virtue. Maybe it was an attack on liberal venality. No, not liberal venality, Bill Clinton's venality.

Or maybe it was a hint of vulnerability.

But it spoke to me. I mean, the computer literally spoke to me.

glendajean, it said. Why are you perscuting my people?.

What the ...I was startled.

Why are you persecuting my people?.



And then it hit me.

1200. glendajean - 4/5/2001 10:52:14 AM

It hit me alright.

Do you know how much money one can make with a computer that talks? Sure, the market is in the tank, particularly around technology stocks, but hey, a taking computer.

I mean a computer that stands up for the people.

A computer that says Barry Goldwater is right and we know it in our hearts.

A computer that thinks Rush Limbaugh is kinda cute.

A computer that is a believer.

1201. marjoribanks - 4/5/2001 11:16:45 AM

It was Suzdal, in 1983, and I was travelling with a group of hebrew-text smugglers through the USSR. Andropov was the head of the Politburo.

It was desperately cold in Suzdal, so cold that when you spat the little gob froze in the air and shattered when it hit the ground.

Still, we kept warm thanks to our Russian hats (purchased for dollars at the foreign exchange stores). These were made of rabbit, I was told, and I swear that we sweated under them despite the unbelievable temperatures outside.

1202. marjoribanks - 4/5/2001 11:17:09 AM

In the mornings, we assembled in the hotel lobby and all took long swigs from a vodka bottle offered to us by our teacher (I was 15), then we stamped out into the snow and about our business of passing bundles of hebrew texts to mysterious Jews who we'd meet at sites of ostensible historical interest like old monasteries and state museums.

Due to the sheer inedibility of the food, I survived on vast quantities of Pepsi and minute quantities of caviar, both bought at the foreign exchange store. Every day, I would eat a packet of instant noodles and a mars bar, both of which I'd packed a supply of to barter with.

The remaining barter item, chewing gum, I traded liberally with Russian schoolchildren and youths who we met along the way. In exchange for about 70 packets of Wrigleys I got about 100 pins with all kinds of Russian motifs. Last year, I took them to a store in Greenwich Village and they offered me $500 for them.

Every day, our guide would single me out and sing Hindi film songs to me from the 50's which I didn't know. To make up for it, I'd smoke Cuban cigars with him in the evenings. Also available at the foreign exchange store.

One of the adults travelling with us was a former refugee from Hungary. Her squabbling twin daughters, my schoolmates though a grade above, also came along. One or the other slept with me in my room every night until the end of the trip after which we avoided each other completely at school.

In Suzdal, I got my first blowjobs and I didn't like them at all.

1203. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:05:52 PM

I got my first blowjobs and I didn't like them at all.

Didn't like them, at all!!! A line like that is soo unbelievable on its face that I suspect it to be true. The question really is why would Marj share this dirty little secret with us?

I have to ponder the conundrum posed by Marj's last line.

1204. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:07:25 PM

Bub - You have to keep up with the times. The Spam theme was yesterday, old new, gone with the wind. Now I'm looking for original content. Read the bloody thread definition already.

1205. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 12:07:48 PM

Answer: It was so cold the women couldn't stop their teeth from chattering?

1206. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:09:09 PM

Ms - I take it that your vote of 1 translates as a binary True on my story, correct?

1207. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:10:00 PM

IJ - Oh shit, of course!

1208. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 12:10:02 PM

Sounds like the first date was with a Hoover-Deluxe upright. Perhaps banks shouldn't have used the upholstery attachment.

1209. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:10:37 PM

Or maybe the rug beater attachment was on?

1210. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 12:11:55 PM

I believe that our sudoriferous friend is telling the truth. I'm sure his story, like all the rest of his, has been embellished somewhat, but the gist of it is true.

1211. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 12:14:05 PM

"sudoriferous"

Great word.

1212. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 12:16:17 PM

I'm coming up with a story...

1213. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:17:47 PM

Jen - If the story has been embellished, if any of it is made up then the whole story is false.

Those are the rules, they are not in dispute.

1214. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 12:18:01 PM

Perfect breakfast?

You're sitting at the table and your son is on
the cover of the box of Wheaties.

Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy.

Your wife is on the back of the milk carton.

1215. marjoribanks - 4/5/2001 12:19:20 PM

Actually, I would have thought that it was the most believable line in the whole account.

Inexpert blowjobs are not enjoyable, surely we all know that.

I'm not letting on about the overall veracity until later when VonK's absurd game ends.

1216. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:21:39 PM

I call false on GJ's delightful fable of conservative schizophrenia. I'm still pondering the Major's tale of youthful debauchery.

Ok so far, four stories:

vK: 1(2?) true - 1 false
Ms: 1 true - 1 false
GJ: 0 true - 1 false
MB: 1(?) true - 0 false

1217. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:23:51 PM

I guess I wouldn't know then Major, I mean, at all enjoyable!?! Please, and you claim to have been a fifteen year old. That is a tall tale, I vote false on the Major.

vK: 1(2?) true - 1 false
Ms: 1 true - 1 false
GJ: 0 true - 1 false
MB: 1(?) true - 1 false

1218. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 12:24:32 PM

Inexpert blowjobs are not enjoyable, surely we all know that.

It's poor form to criticize any lass who's willing to put her mouth on your uncircumcised, sudoriferous staff of power.

1219. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:44:58 PM

I propose that tomorows theme center on the following theme suggested by my absent co-host:

14396. AceofSpades - 4/5/01 5:43:19 PM

Now, there are those who dispute that my penis can "get the job done." My girlfriend, for example. Her friends, for a few more example. Every woman I've ever slept with, to name a few more.

But I have never wavered.

From Day One, I have maintained that my penis is adequate.

1220. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 12:51:03 PM

Whether Ace's penis can get the job done?

Or does each of us get to talk about his own man root?

1221. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 12:55:21 PM

I'm open to suggestions, but I don't think that Jen, Bub, Ms, et al can talk about their own "man root". In the mean time I belive that someone has got Kathy Ireland pictures to successfully link in here.

1222. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 12:57:46 PM

Kathy Ireland has enough eyebrow to make even Marjori jealous.

1223. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:00:58 PM

Jen - That better be a complement or I'll delete your ass.

1224. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 1:03:31 PM

Hey! I have a manroot. At least DH sez it's mine, though I haven't tried to take it on business trips without him. Also Mz. Phys gave me a racoon penis hung from a piece of leather. She suggests that it might be useful during business meetings to level the playing field so to speak.

1225. seadate - 4/5/2001 1:05:46 PM

Inexpert blowjobs are not enjoyable, surely we all know that.

Not your first or second one. Why?

1) It's a new experience.
2) This usually applies to an adolescent, so it doesn't take an expert to do the trick.

1226. glendajean - 4/5/2001 1:05:53 PM

She suggests that it might be useful during business meetings to level the playing field so to speak.

In order to level the playing field, it will be necessary for the original balls to be attached.

1227. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:06:41 PM

A racoon penis is by definition NOT a man root. Only someone without a penis would try to substitute a puny dried up racoon member.

1228. seadate - 4/5/2001 1:06:58 PM

Kathy Ireland has enough eyebrow to make even Marjori jealous.

Ahem ... who's jealous?

1229. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 1:10:11 PM

I dunno, VK, do you have a bone in your penis and a barb on the end?

GJ -- If I want balls, I can take theirs.

1230. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:10:22 PM

Sea - Precisely, for a fifteen year old having a girl inexpertly think about touching his penis is pleasurable; to have a girl actually make physical contact, even painful contact, would be at least moderately pleasurable. I note that the Major refers to blowjobs in the plural, so apparently they were not so without pleasure as to not be worth repeating.

Or maybe he was just being very polite.

1231. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 1:10:49 PM

Also Mz. Phys gave me a racoon penis hung from a piece of leather. She suggests that it might be useful during business meetings to level the playing field so to speak.

I like that tactic! Social studies tends to be dominated by men (coaches at that), and so I think that I need one (racoon penis) to send a message.

1232. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:11:14 PM

Bub - No (ouch), but its waaaay bigger than the fuckin' racoons I can assure you of that.

1233. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 1:12:44 PM

Von K, Von K

Haven't you heard that it's not the size of the tool but the way you handle it?

1234. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:14:59 PM

Are you saying that its not the size but the barb at the end? Are you saying that size coupled with exquisite technique is not inherently better than said technique without size? Are you saying that racoons make better lovers?

What are you saying, inquiring minds (like mine) want to know.

1235. seadate - 4/5/2001 1:16:32 PM

Or maybe he was just being very polite.

Now there's an idea.

1236. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 1:18:01 PM

Von K

In the case in point, the member is to be used for intimidation purposes. Simply having a penis on a sinew around one's neck may make the point.

1237. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:18:06 PM

Please...please...we're using up tomorrow's material today.

You all are engaging in premature ejaculations.

1238. bubbaette - 4/5/2001 1:19:16 PM

I have to go to a meeting now, anyhow. But I'm prepared.

1239. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:19:37 PM

I think this is the same photo as earlier, but on somebody else's page.

1240. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:21:22 PM

Shut up IJ and start linking already. We haven't even begun to plumb the depths of what jobs Aces penis might be adequate to perform. We're just talking about racoon penises. Now there are similarities, except that Ace's doesn't have a bone or a barb, but other than that, very similar.

1242. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:22:00 PM

Ok, now find ones with better resolution.

Thank you for your cooperation.

1243. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:22:57 PM

Ok Jen, you were warned.

1244. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:23:30 PM

Not as good a scan, though. Here's another:

1245. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 1:26:23 PM

I will give Kathy Ireland this: she looked great when she was pregnant. Very fit and very cute, even when 8 months along.

1246. seadate - 4/5/2001 1:26:29 PM

That pic makes me feel soooo polite.

1247. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:26:46 PM

IJ - You incompetent henchman, that one doesn't show up either!

1248. seadate - 4/5/2001 1:27:16 PM

C'mon Jen, retract the claws.

1249. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:28:27 PM

Alright. I'm uploading a couple to Stinky's Piggery.

Back in a jiffy.

1250. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 1:28:35 PM

vK,

There's no way you're going to drag me into this abortion of a thread.

1251. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:29:28 PM

Whatever, I'm sure your penis is up to the job.

Or is it?

1252. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:29:58 PM

Jen - Earlier you said that you were working on a story, any progress?

1253. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 1:32:06 PM

vonK,

Yes, it'll be here in a while...

1254. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:34:22 PM

Better?

1255. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:35:16 PM

No, Igor, not better.

1256. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:38:06 PM

Well that just sucks.

The problem is my stupid browser caches them so they show up for me.

I swear Luke, it's not my fault!

1257. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 1:40:29 PM

Well, whose fault would it be? Did Calrissian's men sabotage your browser or something?

At any rate, I have to go eat dinner. Check back in later.

1258. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 1:42:19 PM

Okay. I'll put the wookie and the mincing droid on it.

Enjoy your thistle salad. Or is that Scotland?

1259. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 2:21:00 PM

"With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me."
---Rodney Dangerfield

1260. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 2:30:03 PM

One bleak economic day:

Hans and Nilsson were down at the local unemployment bureau to calim wages for jobs they recently lost. Hans, being first in line, states to the clerk his case. The clerk asked, "What was your former duties?", to which Hans answered, "Panty-Stitcher". The clerk opens up her files and announces that the job is listed as "Un-skilled labor" and promptly hands him a $300.00.
Next Nilsson steps up and the same question is asked of him. He answers' "Diesel Fitter". The clerk once again addresses the file and announces its listing as "Skilled labor", and hands him a $600.00. Hans is beside himself. He shouts, "Whas this? I sew the all the elastic part to the panties and get $300, while after I hand them off to Nilsson here, all he does is say "Ja, desel fitter".

1261. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 2:54:25 PM

I demand that this thread be cancelled.

VonKreedon has ruined this thread and turned it into an abortion. Meanwhile, the good Dr.XavierTColtrane has his thread RIPped for being absent a scant two hours.

1262. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 2:56:35 PM

Terrible.

Kiss 'Me Blarney Stones.

What the hell is the apostrophe doing before the "Me"?

I'll take Erratic Random Puncuation for $500, Alex.


Meanwhile, the Pride of the Mote, the Good Doctor Coltrane has impeccable punctuation and he can't get arrested.


The ever-shrinking Cabal of this place is making worse and worse decisions all the time. First they take away the Good Doctor's amusing and informative thread, now they give a thread to this subliterate miscreate vonGURPS.

1263. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 2:57:05 PM

Miscreant, I meant.

1264. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:02:50 PM

Once upon a time this thread, like GURPS, *stood* for something.

Now it's purely Hack n' Slash.

And the Greatest Man Who Ever Walked the Face of the Earth (except Jesus), the Magnanimous Doctor Xavier Tiberius Coltrane, must wander the site aimlessly without a home and without a forum for his transcendent wisdom.

By the way, I am taking the wife to a touring production of "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band," you know, the movie starring Peter Frampton and the BeeGees, made into a stage play. It has a truly stellar cast -- Frank Stallone and three sessions members from the rock group Boston -- and I and the wife couldn't be more excited.

I will detail this epochal entertainment as soon as I get back from it. Wearing, of course, a snazzy purple Sgt Pepper band-member outfit, of course.

1265. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:07:01 PM

Whew! The wife and I just got back from the rollicking stage entertainment "Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Frank Stallone was AMAZING. The three sessions members from Boston were INCREDIBLE. Plus, there were lots of surprises, like Nell Carter from Give me a Break! as Penny Lane, and a special appearance by Gerardo ("Rico Suave") as Mean Mister Mustard.

The local critics will probably be Apple Bonkers, but do not listen to them. The entire audience was singing "Polythene Pam" as if they'd heard it dozens of times before.

Outstanding.

1266. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:08:56 PM

Meanwhile, the "Soul of the Mote," as I call Cazart and Jexster and the inimitable GOD INCARNATE I call Doctor Xavier Tiberius Coltrane STILL do not have threads of there own, and it has only been six minutes since I last demanded such.


I will gladly sign over the mortgage of my six bedroom North Virginia home to the Cabal who runs this place if only I could have my "Kosovo" thread back.

1267. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:12:32 PM

A quick note: My four children -- Roy Jr., Esteban, Pascal, and my lovely daughter Huberta -- will be left unattended by my wife for exactly six minutes, at precisely 3:30 pm EST, as she runs into the local Seven-11 while leaving the children in the car.

The car is a chrome-blue 2000 Nissan Sentra ESX, license plate number EJM-678. The keys will be left in the ignition.


Please do not use this information for any malicious purposes. And please forget immediately that I revealed it.

Thank you.

1268. PelleNilsson - 4/5/2001 3:15:02 PM

While we are waiting for Jen's contribution I'm proud to present a fast-moving raunchy story written by a Motie in our midst. Male or female Motie on asks oneself. (Bubba knows, so don't answer)


"Damn, I've ripped my bodice." Clarice muttered under her breath as she climbed over the spikes in the wall of her father's palace. Her father had forbidden her seeing the privateer Roberts, but Clarice was not going to be dissuaded by such simple measures as fatherly admonitions and elite eunuch guards at the doors and gates. She knew that she could count on her Nana to keep anyone but Clarice's father out of her bedchamber for the rest of the night, so her only concern was not being caught by the patrols and taken in to custody as a lady of the streets, particularly given her destination: the black wharves.
Clarice hung from the top of the wall for a moment, her generous bosom pressed against the cold stone, and then dropped lithely to the ground. She tossed her auburn hair back with a sinuous movement of her head, her green eyes searching the darkness for movement. Her pupils widened as she saw the figure of a large man detach itself from the shadows across the cobble stoned boulevard. Her breath quickened and she ran forward into the arms of her lover.
"How did you...?" "Hush my princess," said Roberts in a husky whisper, "I will tell you all in a nonce." And then he drew her to the shadows, to his broad chest, to his mouth, crushing her to him as he near drowned her with a tidal wave of a kiss. Clarice let herself be swept up in the wave for a moment and then launched herself up and into the kiss with a ferocity that was both frightening and exhilarating for her like no other experience in her young life. After a moment of eternity Roberts broke her hold on him.

1269. PelleNilsson - 4/5/2001 3:16:36 PM

"We must be going," he said with difficulty. Stopping only to readjust his codpiece, Roberts took Clarices finely boned hand in his and they hurried through the dark streets toward the black wharves and Roberts' privateer, the Rutting Buck.
They crept aboard silently and into Roberts' cabin. Roberts closed the door and turned to face Clarice. Clarice hurled herself at Roberts, pinning him to the door as she unleashed her pent up passion on his muscular body. They slid down the door and onto the floor, gasping for air as they consumed each other in a feast of the senses, their clothes evaporating as if their bodies were beyond such constraints.
Then the cannons began to fire in the harbor and they knew that their passion would have to wait yet again for its consummation.

1270. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:17:04 PM

Terrific. Now we've moved into explicit, graphic pornography.


The ever dwindling Cabal who runs this place should be ashamed of themselves.

So should Jen, for strutting around like a painted-face strumpet and turning her back on the Good Book. And me.

1271. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 3:17:31 PM

Oh my.....

Oh my my my my my

1272. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:26:52 PM

And what do you have to say about it, Missy?

You, along with the googly-eyed blue Muppets MsNo and PelleNillson, are just fuzzy plush toys to be manipulated by CalGal and the Powers That Be.

1273. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 3:29:07 PM

I know, it's sad.

Very very sad.

But Pelle's story got me kind of worked up.....

Yours was a cheap imitation of the real thing however.

I bet your kids get kidnapped.

1274. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:37:11 PM

Eh. I tried.

1275. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 3:52:35 PM

Ace (1267) is primo.

1277. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:57:43 PM

Answer: To get lipstick off your teeth, you enter the bathroom at the school attended by your lovely daughter Huberta (the Quaker Friends Day School, located on Rural Route 15, just past the Markely Rotary) and rub it off with toilet paper.

Then, once you've picked up your lovely daughter Huberta, you are free to run errands at your bank (Safety Deposit Box 0332; key is taped beneath the drawer of the nightstand by my wife's side of the bed).

1278. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 3:59:14 PM

Of course I cannot say WHICH bank.

But I can provide a very vague clue:

Th_ Firs_ Nationa_ Ban_ and Credi_ Unio_ of Chev_ Chas_, Marylan_.

1280. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:06:04 PM

Hey Igor, have you figured out what Calrissian did to your browser yet? If so, where are the Ireland pics?

1281. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:07:23 PM

I'm Irish on my mother's side.

1282. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:08:30 PM

Uhhhhhhhhhhggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Stone.

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhh.

Rosetta Stone.

Uhhhhhhhhhgggggggghhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhgg.

What the hell are you spamming my thread with that crap for?

Is this your way of telling us you are the ALLMIGHTY MANIFEST IN THE FORM of the Good Doctor Xavier T. Coltrane?

1283. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:08:36 PM

Pelle - Spam day was YESTERDAY, today is create your own blarney story day, get with the program you humorless jacketbooted martinet.

1284. PelleNilsson - 4/5/2001 4:09:26 PM

The author of the fine story I quoted in #1268-69 is of course our genial host vonKreedon. There is a sequel too. Shout if you want it.

1285. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:09:46 PM

Hey, cool-- who the hell deleted Rosetta Stone's spam?

I was actually thinking of doing it myself.

1286. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:10:23 PM

Cellar - You must have some tall stories, to fantastic to be believed, that you could post. It's up to you to save from the Malibu Ken version of Ace.

1289. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:11:07 PM

That of course would be me Ace.

1295. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:12:28 PM

Rosie,

Because it sucked in every way it is possible for a post to suck.

Further, it seemed like a spamnacious attempt to create the Good Doctor's Dear Abby column here.

Which will not be allowed.

1297. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:12:57 PM

Good deletion, vonKreedon. We don't need no riff-raff.

1305. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:15:06 PM

Stone,

Knock it off. If you want to fight, fine, fight. But do so in posts which contain more than a single word.

And don't post any more Dear Abby spam.

1309. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:16:22 PM

Stone,

Perhaps I'm not getting through to you.

How'd you like to join Cazart in TT's Mote Cafe -- permanently, as an "involuntary guest"?

1313. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:19:53 PM

I've got a counterproposal. How about you get down on your knees, open your mouth wide, and suck my dirty, filthy cock?

1314. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:23:11 PM

So as I was saying, someone has got to come forward and prevent this thread from being subverted by the pervert Malibu Ken Ace and his attempts to get Barbie offed.

I mean, is that supposed to be funny? Admitedly I laughed, but does that really prove anything?

1315. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:23:31 PM

Rosie,

Seriously. It's a limited time offer, and you look like you got a mouth made for sucking cock.

1318. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:24:26 PM

What the hell are you talking about?

What is "Malibu Ken Ace"? Is this me? Is it supposed to be an insult? If so, in what way?

1319. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:25:20 PM

Thread host fight.

Sweet.

1320. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:26:49 PM

Oh come on Ken, don't be coy - the Beegee, the beautiful but frigid wife, the expensive but plasticky car, the perfect tan, the hidden psychosis. Your as transparent as glass.

1321. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:28:22 PM

Franc-n-Niner! Oh do you do? Ken and I get along great, did you see us doubling up on Stoner just now? Sweet. So how the hell are ya?

1322. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:28:38 PM

vonKreedon,

After I get done painting Rosie's tongue with goopy white man-glue, maybe I'll do you next.

1323. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:29:43 PM

And if I'm being insulted, I still don't really get it.

If you're making fun of Rosie, that's not clear either.

You're not very good at this, vonKreedon. Strike that-- you suck. My cock.

1324. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:29:54 PM

No thanks Ken, I heard about the barb at the end of your coon sized member. I do try to be very polite, but I'll really have to sit this one out.

1325. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:30:54 PM

Ken, I'm not insulting you, I see you as you are and am glad that your ok with it.

Really.

1330. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:34:14 PM

Ace and VK "doubling up on Stoner."

This is some rib-tickling stuff.

1332. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:34:52 PM

FU,

How'd you like a throat-full of my stinking choad?

1339. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:36:55 PM

Ace

Will you and VK take me to the mall afterward?

1341. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:37:59 PM

I just got ahold of a pirate copy of Todd Haynes' "Superstar: Tha Karen Carpenter Story." It's all done with Barbie dolls. Very effective.

As for mouths made for cocksucking, what about Ben Affleck?

1342. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:38:01 PM

VK

You and Ace better "double up" on Rosie again.

1344. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:38:39 PM

Ken could take you in his Lexus XTC-SEi 450. Its silver you know.

1345. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:38:46 PM

Is there an orgy going on in here that no one has told me about?

1347. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:39:08 PM

There's way too much negativity here.

1349. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:39:44 PM

"negativity"?

1350. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:39:53 PM

Rosetta,

Read the ROE on spamming.

1352. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:40:32 PM

Cellar

Yes. Ace and VK have been "doubling up" on Rosie, and then, spent, they embrace, and VK appears to have a pet name for Ace - Malibu Ken. Despite his outward ferocity, I fear that Ace is the bottom.

1354. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:41:03 PM

Yeah. Idiot FU is trying to pick some sort of a fight with me, and I'm not really in the mood to fight.

Too much negativity.

Plus, Rosie's about to suck the spleen out of my body. Right through my sweaty, cheesey cock.

1355. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:41:46 PM

Why did you delete my post on lipstick on teeth.

Asked and answered: Because it sucked.

1357. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:41:57 PM

Franc - why on earth would Ken's bottom position cause you fear?

1358. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:42:10 PM

I'm not picking a fight with, Malibu Ken.

1359. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:42:58 PM

I'm starting to think Stone's pic in the Mote movie should be replace by Charles Laughton.

Errr...about that Kathy Ireland stuff. You know, after a while it seemed almost like work or something.

I didn't miss Jen's story, did I?

1362. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:43:11 PM

Well I've always pegged Ace as a bottom. Nothing new there.

Barbie, as I'm sure we all know, is a Top.

1363. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:43:29 PM

What was spam about what I did.

The first posts were not quite spam. They just sucked and were off-topic.

Everything since then has been spam.


A simple question. Really.

A simple answer: Your posts suck.

1365. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:43:48 PM

Who hit the thread with the fag bat?

And a missing charcters stick?

1367. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:44:47 PM

RS,

When two different people simultaneously decide to delete your posts, without discussing the matter, because they suck so badly, then that usually means the posts in question sucked.

1368. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:44:53 PM

It puts the lotion in the basket.

1370. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:45:38 PM

If Rosie is Charles Laughton, then who's his Elsa?

Saw an incredible screening of "The Night of the Hunter" last week at UCLA that included a 1/2 hour of rushes. You could hear Laughton cueing Robert Mitchum in takes of a scene where he was talking to Shelley Winters. it was a close-up of Mitchum and Laughton read Shelley's part.

1371. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:45:53 PM

So posts that SUCK are deleted?

Stone, you are a regular Sherlock Holmes.

1373. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:46:04 PM

So posts that SUCK are deleted?

Yep. This isn't politics you know.

1376. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:48:02 PM

Someone please tow the large beige station wagon parked in front of the 7-11.

1378. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:48:21 PM

Rosie,

Drop it and post something interesting. I am no longer interested in your whiney screechy sissy-boy routine.

No offense, Cellar.

1380. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:49:52 PM

14508. jexster - 4/5/01 9:48:45 PM

Dusty...

Do you believe me or not?

Either shit or poopstain your BVD's



And this genius is a Close Personal Friend of Charlie Cook. Gets email from him, you know.


Poopstain.

1382. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:50:14 PM

Whiney screechy sissy-boys need love too, Ace. Have a heart.

1383. Francis Urquhart - 4/5/2001 4:50:16 PM

In the role of Piggy . . .

1384. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:50:33 PM

"Fag bat" wasn't directed at CD either.

It was...either vonK or FU. Depending on which one of them isn't around.

1386. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 4:51:30 PM

Shit out of luck there Igor, now get back to work.

1387. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:51:43 PM

It was, Stone.

But too visionary.

1388. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:51:46 PM

Because I've actually kissed the Blarney Stone.

Fascinating.

You are a constant fascination.

You went to Ireland (as you've told us ten dozen times) and while there, get this, you kissed the Blarney Stone.

Wow.

I mean: Wow.


Did you visit a pub, or "Public House," as well? And perhaps drink a Guiness?

1389. RosettaStone - 4/5/2001 4:52:00 PM

Especially if you kiss with lipstick on.

1390. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 4:52:13 PM

"Fag Bat"?

Renfield in "Dracula," of course.

1391. RosettaStone - 4/5/2001 4:53:06 PM

Where are all my interesting comments?

1393. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 4:53:59 PM

Where are all my interesting comments?

We've been asking that for years.

1394. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:54:33 PM

Rosie,

When I was in Italy I saw some nice churches. Old ones. Like more than fifty or sixty years old.

I also ate some Gelato. Do you know they have Gelato in Italy? Yeahp. They've got it. It tastes very good. Much like "iced cream," as we say here in the States.

I also went to England, where I visited Picadilly Circus. It's not a circus at all, you know. It's just a big interchange.

1397. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 4:59:03 PM

Does anybody else have any anecdotes about travel as thrilling as Rosie's?

I do.

When I went to England, I stayed in London. That's where James Bond lives. It's like the capital or something.

1399. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:00:59 PM

They have funny guards outside the Queen's house (whatever it's called; I forget the name. But it's such a big house, it has its own name. Like "Tara" in Gone with the Wind.)

Anyway, the "hip thing to do" when at the Queen's house is to take pictures with these funny guards. You make funny faces at them, but they just keep this blank stare. It's hilarious.

That's my travel-tip of the day. If you go to the Queen's house, get some funny pictures taken with the guards.

1400. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:02:15 PM

Yeah, I went to Dublin, it's like the capital wherever the Irish live. I spent the whole time in this hotel room talking with other geeks on the internet. The weather, what I saw of it was wet. There was some old book of the Kelts or something, the room was dark so I couldn't really read what it said.

1402. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:03:41 PM

I've heard that Dublin/Irish-land is very green.

Is that true? Or is it a made-up "fact" like the moon being made of green cheese?

I don't know about the "cheese" part, but the moon definitely isn't green. It's usually white with some blue. Like, to coin a word, "white-blue."

1404. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:04:39 PM

Maybe it's made up of white-blue cheese. Roquefort, for example

They make that in France. France makes a lot of cheeses. And wines, apparently.

1407. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:06:02 PM

Interesting. Some of my complete sentence posts are deleted. While others aren't.

Such an oversight can be readily corrected. Like so.

1408. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:06:39 PM

Yeah,it's pretty green, except the streets and buildings and things which tend to be grey or brown. It's pretty damp also.

white-blue, that is soo moon colored. Maybe the moon is like made of like white-blue cheese, like Rockfort. They make that in France, which is near Paris. I think.

1409. Laura C - 4/5/2001 5:07:13 PM

Does anybody else have any anecdotes about travel as thrilling as Rosie's?

We thought about going to Ireland this year. When I told my mother this, she tried to talk me out of it. She said "Don't go to Ireland. Go to Spain. Ireland doesn't have any history and all of it's bad."

1410. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:07:56 PM

Ahhhhh, Paris. "The Eternal City."

I'll never forget Paris. I had the best Italian food there.

1411. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:08:43 PM

I left a couple of Stoner's posts because they provided good fodder for IJ and CD.

1412. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:09:17 PM

Spain. I've been meaning to go "South of the Border" for some time now. I understand they make excellent tacos.

1414. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:10:03 PM

FU would probably know about that. He's a Mexican-American, or "Taco-Bending American," as they prefer to be called.

1415. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 5:10:46 PM

Don't go to Rome, either. Nothing but ruins there.

1417. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:11:35 PM

I went to Cancun in Spain! Had these fish tacos, but they were really messy, I tried to take a bite and squirted all this fish juice stuff all over some Barbies blouse.

Nice nipple action though.

1418. Laura C - 4/5/2001 5:12:41 PM

Cancun isn't in Spain, silly. It's an island off the coast.

1419. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:12:52 PM

Igor! You Rock!

Sombody tell Stoner that 2000 was last year.

1420. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:12:53 PM

Ahhhh, Rome. The City of Broad Shoulders.

Yes, I understand it's quite a mess. Everythings always under construction. You'd think they'd pick up the place a bit when they have visitors.

Rome is a city with a fascinating history. Apparently when the Romans conquered the city, they renamed "Rome," in honor of their homeland, which was called "Greece."

1425. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:15:07 PM

This summer I'm going to Austia.

Put another shrimp on the barbie, Mate!

I'm practicing "the lingo," as it were. So I won't seem like a "tourist."

1427. Indiana Jones - 4/5/2001 5:15:32 PM

Okay...since that one worked, one more. Then I'm off to...Vienna.

For some smorgasbord.

1429. Stumbo - 4/5/2001 5:17:02 PM

... and then to Morocco, to visit Prince Rainier.

1430. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:17:45 PM

I went to Austria last year! It was a lot colder and had bigger mountains than what they show in Crocodile Dundee, plus to my surprise the place was overrun with German tourists or something. The beer was good though.

1431. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:18:11 PM

. Then I'm off to...Vienna.

Ahhh, Vienna. "The Magic Kingdom."

1432. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:18:36 PM

Oooh, Igor, pick me up some of them sausages while you're there!

1433. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:18:50 PM

vK,

Did you try "Foster's"? Apparently that's the national drink of Austria.

1434. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:19:12 PM

Stumb - I'm pretty sure Rainier is in Washington state.

1435. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:20:04 PM

No man it was weird all they had was this German stuff, like Heinekin and shit.

1436. Stumbo - 4/5/2001 5:20:07 PM

vK: no, that's a replica.

1437. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:20:51 PM

No shit? A replica, man you learn stuff online every day.

1439. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:21:13 PM

Oh-- that reminds me of a joke. I forget the punchline, but the set up is someting like "I've got Prince Rainier in a can."

Then I think you're supposed to say something about black people.

Anyway, it's a really good joke.

I heard it when I visited the Old Country. I'm not sure which one, but I seem to remember people wearing funny leather pants and caps, just like they do in Austria when they're "Crocodile Hunting."

1441. Laura C - 4/5/2001 5:21:58 PM

Heinekin wrote some great novels.

1442. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:23:12 PM

Hey Ace, since you changed the name of the thread I assume you have a new theme in mind. Care to be more descriptive than merely Buffoonish Jackassery?

1444. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:24:19 PM

Oh Yeah, didn't he right For Whom the Toll Bells or something?

1445. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:24:34 PM

Read the discription on the front page.

We can switch back to your name later.

Sorry, but I deleted your thread-description without saving. I didn't realize how longish it was.

1446. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:25:13 PM

vK,

No, that was Heidigger.

1448. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:26:30 PM

But I'll be leaving in 30 minutes. Do you think we can get to 2000 by then?

I don't know. How many more pointless, stupid, trite posts do you have in you?

1449. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:26:48 PM

Not a problem Ace, it's not like anyone read it anyway.

1451. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:27:49 PM

I don't know. How many more pointless, stupid, trite posts do you have in you?

Now that was a seriously stupid question.

1453. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:28:32 PM

At least leave my posts up long enough so I can read them myself.

But only just long enough.

poof.

1455. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:29:32 PM

It's like fucking magic.

How many people in the Mote have just wanted to delete every annoying letter Rosie typed?

What a country.

1456. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:29:55 PM

Tell me. Are there a lot of keystrokes to delete a post?

You tell me.

Poof.

1458. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:31:32 PM

By the way, Rosie, if you snag a millenial, it will be deleted, and I will create a post in its place (with the millenial post number) under someone else's name.


Bippety-boppety-POOF!

1467. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:35:01 PM

"Oops. Another mistake. Sorry"

Easily mended.

Poof.

1468. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 5:35:01 PM

This place is so aptly named, especially when Rosies name is on the front page as last poster.

1469. seadate - 4/5/2001 5:35:20 PM

LOL! .... I just read the new thread description.

1471. seadate - 4/5/2001 5:36:03 PM

Not the last poster for long, Judith.

1473. seadate - 4/5/2001 5:37:15 PM

poof!

1474. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:37:31 PM

Poof.

That one was gone before I even read it.

1477. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:38:35 PM

Shit Ace, are you stopping to read them?

1478. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 5:38:39 PM

Jeez, ya gotta be quick...unlike Rose.

1480. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:39:14 PM

What did you say, Rosetta? I didn't quite catch that. It was gone so fast.


vK:

No, I am not. NO DEAD WEIGHT in this thread.

1482. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 5:39:36 PM

Rosie, your family won't let you stay on the computer that long....

1486. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:42:34 PM

vK,

A little hint:

After you delete, go immediately to the deletion screen again and type in the first two numbers of the post to be deleted.

Makes it so much faster.

1488. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 5:42:54 PM

Damn. Damn! DAMN!

And just as I finished my Blarney Stone Tale!


May I post it here? Purty please oh please? Judith has been waiting nearly three months for this.

1489. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:43:36 PM

Thanks Ace, good call.

1490. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:44:09 PM

Post away. The game is still on. It's just paused at the moment.

1492. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:44:29 PM

Cos - Please do, we will get back to our regularly scheduled program in a bit.

1493. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:44:50 PM

Be careful. I think you just may have deleted a Judith post


The risks of friendly fire.

1495. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 5:46:49 PM

poof.

1499. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 5:48:25 PM

That's okay...it's all ephemera in the wind, anyhow, to paraphrase someone.

1502. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 5:49:13 PM

Dog Park

So I'm at the Dog Park on a Saturday morning. I'm sitting down at the far end on a stone bench talking with a couple of women that I know when one of them says "Oh my god would you look at that!"

I look up and what do I see but a half-naked guy in leather pants leading his three human pets into the part on leashes: Yes, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead in micro-minis and stiletto heels with rhinestone collars and too much make-up. This little entourage proceeds to take the grand tour of the park strutting around the perimeter past gape-mouthed dog owners and their oblivious canine companions.

While my friends are discussing the difficulties of scraping dog shit off Fuck-Me-Pumps with six-inch heels I notice that there are more oddities entering the park. What I at first believe to be a transvestite with two Boy-Dogs turns out to be only a muscular woman with an ungraceful walk and two Boy-Dogs. (How did I first suspect she wasn't a transvestite? Her wig. No self-respecting drag queen would be caught dead in a wig as bad as hers)

At any rate her "dogs" are apparently better trained than the others are because she allows them off leash. They heel, they sit, they beg and they fetch a Frisbee.well, they attempt to fetch a Frisbee. Unfortunately the real dogs are about fifty times faster at fetching Frisbees and our hapless Boys must return to their Mistress empty handed to receive a vicious tongue lashing.

cont.

1503. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 5:49:27 PM

Dog Park cont.


"What's the matter with you? Don't let those other dogs show you up! Go and get your Frisbee back you pussies!" She punctuates her commands with a small rubber flail and off they go to try and retrieve the Frisbee. One of them gets distracted and pees on a garbage can conveniently placed for park visitors to deposit puppy-bombs in then he wanders off to try and hump another human pet that's arrived. She's a shy little thing in lavender and her Mistress has to haul off the offending Boy and send him to chase a stick.

As my friends and I are caught up watching these antics we don't notice that the other Boy-dog has sauntered over to us until he sits down on the arm of the bench right next to me. I must say in all honesty that I had an excellent view of rippling stomach muscles turned golden brown by the California sun. This Boy was no dog by any stretch of the imagination. He proceeds to chat us up obviously trying to make us a bit uncomfortable as he relates the particulars of this little fetish group he belongs to. His mistress observes from about 15 feet away.

Tired of him looming over me and trying to intimidate the "regulars" I decide to test his resolve. I catch the eye of his Mistress and ask "Can I give your doggie a treat?"

She gets a gleam in her eye and with a wicked grin says "Why, yes. Of course you can."

Boy-dog looks frantically over his shoulder at her no doubt recognizing the tone of voice. I reach into my pocket and pull out a green Milk-bone dog biscuit. "Here you go, Sweetie!"


He stopped for a very long drink at the fountain on his way out of the park.

1505. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 5:52:35 PM

Excellent, MsNO...I felt as though I were there! Have you been back recently?

1506. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 5:54:08 PM

Judith,

I go every Saturday and about every other Sunday, but I haven't seen our Fetish Friends again.

1507. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 5:58:41 PM

Nice Cos, good piece of writing

So now we are waiting for Jen's submission.






Somebody pick up this straight line will you please?

1510. ScottLoar - 4/5/2001 6:00:58 PM

Ms. No, delete your e-mail address from the listing for you will soon be deluged with enquiries.

1511. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 6:01:07 PM

Cos,

Nice one.

1513. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:02:07 PM

There's a pair of new sherrifs in Town.

No dead weight.

No Rosetta Stone.

1516. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:08:15 PM

Welp, it's gettin' mighty late here, guess it's time fer this sherrif tuh mosey on off to bed.

Close up the salon when yur done there Ace, ok?

1517. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 6:09:11 PM

Ace & VK


Much as I love you guys it's out of bounds to continually delete/move the posts of a particular poster unless they are in clear violation of the RoE or the tone of the thread. Lay off of Rosie.

1518. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:10:49 PM

Cos - Nope, no can do. This is a Rose free thread. Read the thread parameters, we are clearly within the defined parameters for this thread.

1519. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 6:13:27 PM

Funny as it is the thread parameters are in direct violation of the RoE, time to go re-write them guys.

1520. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:13:45 PM

Now with 20% more Rosie-Free Content TM.

1521. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:15:04 PM

Fine.

We will no longer automatically delete Rosie's posts.

However, the deletions today were due to spamming.

If he spams as usual, he will be deleted. Fair enough?

1522. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 6:16:13 PM

Ace,

That's fine. Deleting for spam and abuse is well within a hosts powers. It's the automatic deletion that needs to stop.

Thanks for the laugh AND your cooperation.

1523. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:16:45 PM

Cos - Rose is banned from this thread, clear enough. There ought to be such a place, sort of a no-smoking area.

1524. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:17:47 PM

Hey-- wait.

That's true. We were always told if someone spammed, we could "ban" that particular post.

Rosie spammed. Further, he was warned, not once but three or four times.

1525. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:18:52 PM

What happened to the notion that you could effect a single-thread per se ban against a persistant spammer and nuisance?

1526. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:19:14 PM

Cos - I fail to see how Ace and I are in any way in violation of the RoE:

The definition of "needless" and "abusive" are left to the thread host, whose word is final. Any posts that are deemed abusive will be deleted. Understand that standards are set by the host.

1527. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:20:10 PM

We deleted about one hundred of Rosie's posts today.

I can assure you they were not works of art. Many had only one word.

When we deleted those, he began posting two-word posts.

Then three-word posts.

I say vK's right-- he is banned from the thread. He violated. Not once but one hundred times.

1528. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 6:21:38 PM

CO...

Get out...get out NOW.

1529. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:24:01 PM

heh heh... I'd love to see MsNo try getting a consensus on a rule change that Rosie's post MUST be allowed...

Ha, ha. "Do I have a second?"

(crickets)

"I say, do I have a second?"

(the sound of people looking at their watches)

"Hello? Is this mike on?"

1530. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:25:31 PM

Oh man, I laughed so hard I woke up the people in the next room!

1531. vonKreedon - 4/5/2001 6:27:22 PM

Now I really have to go to bed.

Spam ya' later!

1532. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:27:48 PM

A ROSETTA-FREE ZONE.

1533. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 6:28:51 PM

The FOUR FREEDOMS:

Freedom from WANT.

Freedom from DESPAIR.

Freedom from FEAR.

Freedom from ROSETTA FUCKING STONE.

1534. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 6:50:13 PM

I was thinking more along the lines of:

#2 Threats
If it is a serious threat, you will be banned. Definition of "serious" is left up to the Mote administrators.


Although it's more than a threat when you actually do spontaneously move or delete a posters comments.

If you guys say he was spamming I'll have to take your word for it since the posts are now gone. As you said, I doubt anyone else is going to come forward and say that whatever Rosie was posting was vital or on topic since so often he's just hysterical (and I don't mean in the funny sense).


As for the banning of posters from particular threads that's something that needs to be addressed in the Policy thread. I don't know that it's feasible and in the end it will be up to Alistair to decide if he wants to write the code for it.

The only reason I brought this up is because I wanted to make sure that there was an actual violation being punished not just fun and games that got out of hand.

1535. Tintin - 4/5/2001 6:52:42 PM

I was reading it. It didn't look like spam to me.

1536. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:00:10 PM

Please.

MsNo, go to 1275 et seq. You can't see his posts, but you can see the immediate, simultaneous reaction of both vK and I. We didn't correspond to come to the conclusion it was spam; we just both came to that conclusion.

vK deleted the posts about ten seconds before I would have independently. Rosie was posting Dr Coltrane style Q&A crap; you know the hard on he has for Coltrane's thread.

The subsequent fifty of his posts were "Oh why was that deleted" and "I demand you return that immediately," sometimes written six or seven times in a row.

Then he began posting one word per post, like so


Why




did



you



delete


my


post



And then when I told him to stop with the one word posts, he started the old


How about





Two word


Posts, are



they okay?



And then, of course, the three word posts, which I'm sure you are capable of imagining without the need for further example.

Interspersed through this bullshit was the typical shit-stirring of "You can't delete ALL my posts" and "I bet I can post faster than you can delete."

Fuck 'm.

At 1275 et seq. I told him to fight if he liked, or to post something interesting, but to stop spamming.

He's gone.

1537. Ms. No - 4/5/2001 7:02:34 PM

Ace,

Been there and looked at it and have to agree with you guys. It's just not what it looked like when I first came in. Mea Culpa.

1538. seadate - 4/5/2001 7:03:09 PM

Ace, for the record: due to said posters articulatory limitations, I made the three word posts and requested their deletion.

1539. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:03:20 PM

At most, I could agree to unban him to see what he will do.

What do you THINK he will do?

He will begin spamming immediately.

He will keep asking why his posts were deleted in the first place.

He will keep insisting that we "return his posts on lipstick removal."

Etc.

I suppose, if vK agrees, we could give him one last chance, but there hardly seems to be any point.

Everyone here, including Rosetta himself, knows precisely what he will do.

1540. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:03:54 PM

I was reading it. It didn't look like spam to me.

1541. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:03:55 PM

seadate,

Rosie did three word posts as well.

1542. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:05:45 PM

Tintin,

You are almost certainly Rosie. if you're NOT Rosie, then you were not around today and did not read the posts, so your opinion doesn't count for much.


Oh, oh, wait-- No, I know. You're a "newbie" and you've been lurking all day. For some crazy reason you decided to read the Buffoonish Jackassery thread to monitor its compelling game of spam-and-deletion.

Do I have that right, sweetheart?

1543. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:07:00 PM

Tintin,

Tell me, what was the most interesting post deleted?

1544. seadate - 4/5/2001 7:08:34 PM

Beat me to it, Ace.

1545. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:09:36 PM

I was reading the thread because he was talking about problems getting lipstick off of teeth. Then they were gone. And you called him a cocksucker. And the fight started.

1546. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:10:29 PM

Tintin go bye-bye now.

1547. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:12:52 PM

N O T I C E

Discussion about deletions is hereby OFF TOPIC and OFF LIMITS for this Thread.

Further such discussion can be had in the Inferno.

No further posts, by anyone, including myself, vK, MsNo, Seadate, or our "new friend" TinTin, will be tolerated here. Please post all subsequent discussion in the Inferno.

Initial penalty for violations will be deletion of the post in question. Penalty for continuing violations will be banning.



Thank you for cooperating.

1548. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:20:15 PM

Please take my post out of the Inferno. I didn't agree to let you move it there.

You asked me a question. I answered.

1549. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:22:44 PM

I did not move your post there. I copied and pasted it there. I do not have the power to remove it from the Inferno.

1550. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:23:50 PM

Why did you do that? I didn't agree to let you move my post to another thread.

Remove it.

1551. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 7:23:53 PM

Well this!

1552. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:25:41 PM

I do not have the power to remove it. Only wabbit can remove it.

I suggest you direct your complaint to her.

Since this is therefore a pointless conversation, I suggest we end it or take it to the Inferno.


Thank you for cooperating.

1553. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:26:27 PM

labwabbit: Be careful. That is a two word post and may be deleted, or moved to something called the Inferno without your permission.

Who runs this ship?

1554. Tintin - 4/5/2001 7:27:33 PM

How can you move my posts to other threads without my permission? You fix it.

1555. MsIvoryTower - 4/5/2001 7:32:01 PM

Hahahahaha

Oh lordy lordy lordy

This thread gave me a much needed boost today.

Thanks so much you...you...

MEN!

And I love the reincarnation TinTin calling for a reason for any action taken against him when I just recently spent a whole day debating the merits of such a policy only to have it shot down in glorious living color....

I stand corrected for my misdirected efforts.

1556. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 7:58:27 PM

Tintin:

YOu have been cut slack on the off-chance that you are not Rosie, who, of course, you actually are.

You have violated my request that no further policy-bullshit be discussed here.

Your next violation constitutes grounds for removal & banning.

Thank you for cooperating. have a nice day.

1557. Tintin - 4/5/2001 8:02:02 PM

Please, second t should be in lower case. It is a small point but important.

I don't know exactly what you are talking about, Ms Ivorytower, but I do know that the people running this shop deleted a lot of posts today.

And most of them weren't spam. From what I could tell there were two perps who did it. The poster was trying to get his thoughts out and they erased most of them before I could read them. They seemed to enjoy doing it. What type of discussion group is this?

But that's not my problem.

I don't like the idea that my thoughts can be moved from thread to thread without my permission. I was asked a question and when I answered it, I was told to go "bye-bye."

And my post was moved somewhere else without asking.

I want it removed and if AceofSpades can move it there, he can move it out.

1558. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 8:03:15 PM

No further posts, by anyone, including myself, vK, MsNo, Seadate, or our "new friend" TinTin, will be tolerated here. Please post all subsequent discussion in the Inferno.

Initial penalty for violations will be deletion of the post in question. Penalty for continuing violations will be banning.

#1556

1559. Tintin - 4/5/2001 8:04:55 PM

Now AceofSpades says he's going to ban me. For what?

And you better not delete these posts. You asked me the question. I'm answering it.

1560. Cellar Door - 4/5/2001 8:16:30 PM

Here you go, guys. Somebody was talking about her earlier today.

1561. labwabbit - 4/5/2001 8:17:25 PM

#1556 = acceptable = buffoonery/jackassery.

My error and subsequent apology.

1565. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 9:04:08 PM

I thought that Tintin was Sakonige.

1566. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 9:07:09 PM

[VonK, I apologize for not submitting a story earlier, today has been especially weird at work.]

1568. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 9:24:43 PM

Here's a story, you tell me if it's true:

I was barely 21 and working in a women's retail shop. It was a Friday night and I didn't have plans other than going out with some friends. No place in particular. My best friend Kelly called me at work and said, "Did you know that tonight KEGL radio station is having a huge industry party? Everyone is going to be there, KISS, Bon Jovi, Slaughter, and LA Guns. We have to go!!" I asked her how it would have been possible, I mean was there a huge cover-charge or what?? She said that it was for radio personnel or people in the music industry and then begged that I go with her and try to help the two of us get in. I agreed on the condition that she bring something for me to wear other than what I had on at work.

9 PM sharp, I closed the shop doors and did my closing duties as fast as I could. Kelly was waiting for me in her brand new 93 Talon. When she saw me coming out of the mall doors, she literally revved her engine and started driving, I barely made it into her car without losing a foot.

Once inside her car, I asked her what she brought for me, and she reached in the back and grabbed a skimpy black cocktail dress and black stilettos. "We have no time to stop Jen, you have to change in the car. We're running late!!"

Cont.

1571. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 9:54:25 PM

Part II

So there we are, the two of us in her car, going 85 mph on our way towards downtown Dallas and I'm trying as discretely as possible to change into my outfit. Astonishingly, I made it without hurting anyone or anything. But then she told me to grab the wheel, because she, too, "needed to change into an outfit". I suggested that we pull over, but we were on a mission to get to this party.

We both changed clothes and reached downtown Dallas without stopping. 15 miles, plus in 12 minutes!

We pulled into valet and walked to the club door as confidently as possible. "Get us in Jen." Kelly whispered to me one last time.

The bouncer was enormous, at least 7 feet tall, bald, and not smiling. He was accompanied by a woman in a suit with a clipboard.

"Ladies, I need your invitations please."

Me: "We didn't bring them, it's 9:30, the party's almost over. We didn't even think that security would ask for them."

"The president of Belo is here tonight, of course there's security. I need your invitations."

Me: "Look, we just left the station as soon as we could so that we could make the party. We're either on your list or you need to get Mike Smith and verify that we have access."

The two of them looked at each other, Kelly and I kept a straight face.

The bouncer said, "Well, since you know Mike Smith, it shouldn't be a problem."

Cont.

1572. Jenerator - 4/5/2001 10:10:46 PM

Part III

The two of us stroll into the club as though we own the place, and it was still mobbed.

Immediately, I spot Gene Simmons who is chatting with some other guy with black fuzzy hair.

Kelly sees Ritchie Sambora and just about faints.
I'm trying to not smile too big and look like a geek, so I go to the bar and order a foo-foo drink, Kelly orders a Bud Light.

As we both turn around to again scan the crowd and see who's there, Weird Al Yankovic walks right up to us.

"Hi Ladies!"

"Hello."

"Hi."

"Are we having fun tonight?"

Then he asks me what I'm drinking and orders the same thing but without alcohol.

He then introduces himself as "Al" and hangs out with us, until a characturist stops draw our photo together. When the three of us huddle and smile, the guy informed us that he only did profiles of people from their backsides.

Immediately, Al jumps around and protrudes his butt close to the guy's face. We stand next to him, backs facing the artist for ten minutes while the guy draws our "likeness".

Al introduces us to his agent who then introduces us to Paul Stanley, who then introduces us to Brian May (Queen).

At 11 pm, the party is officially over, and it's time for Kelly and I to finish our drinks and stamp into memory our rock-n-roll evening.


Kelly still has the drawing of Weird Al, mine and her butt on her wall.

1584. Jon Ferguson - 4/5/2001 11:13:13 PM

Jen

You never told me that story. How 'bout telling us the WG story?

1585. AceofSpades - 4/5/2001 11:18:14 PM

All off-topic posts have been moved to The Inferno which, as per previous notice, is where such discussions should be had.


thank you for your continuing cooperation. bye bye then have a nice day.

1586. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 11:21:57 PM

Just what IS the topic of this thread, anyhow?

1587. arkymalarky - 4/5/2001 11:24:06 PM

That's funny. They seemed Buffoony and Jackassy enough to me.

1588. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 11:25:10 PM

Well, the name alone guaranteed that, Arky.

1589. arkymalarky - 4/5/2001 11:25:11 PM

Fastest thread-name-changer in the West.

1590. JudithAtHome - 4/5/2001 11:30:51 PM

I hope the Mote is still around when I wake up tomorrow. I fear a massive deletion may overtake it and leave nothing but the husks behind...

1591. EricCartman - 4/6/2001 1:41:35 AM

....victory lap....

1592. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 1:51:31 AM

cart,

for a moment I didn't know why you were doing a victory lap. I just remembered.

Congratulations. I hope the baby, Ace Junior, is healthy and hung like a wildebeest.

And I hope your wife is in good shape.

1593. EricCartman - 4/6/2001 1:59:47 AM

Thanks Ace. Somehow Ace Jr. turned out to be a chick though. Better luck next time.

1594. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:07:48 AM

A girl?

Shouldda known. You got "Daughter Sperm" written all over you.

But congratulations on your baby girl.

What white-trash name ya gonna give her? Brittany or Krystal?

1595. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:13:34 AM

Dylan? Heather? Drew?

1596. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:14:03 AM

Ambre (notice faux-British spelling).

1597. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:14:24 AM

No, no. It's gotta be Tiffany.

1598. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:15:29 AM

I met, or at least heard of, some couple who named their daughter "Krystalynne."

They were proud. Especially of the spelling. And the "crystaline" homophone, probably.

1599. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:16:29 AM

Or Madison.

Taylor.

Aaaaashley.

Kaitlin.

1600. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:17:26 AM

There are a lot of people out there hell-bent on giving their daughters porn-names.

1601. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:17:36 AM

Oh, wait!

Sierra.

Lord help me if it's one of these names.

They're all lovely names, Cart. Really. I promise.

1602. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:23:06 AM

Cartman should call her "Candy Loupes."

1603. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:24:03 AM

Cartman should call her "Candy Loupes."


Then again, Cal, you gave your kid a trendy name (at the time).

1604. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:24:07 AM

Cartman should call her "Candy Loupes."


Then again, Cal, you gave your kid a trendy name (at the time).

1605. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:24:23 AM

ooops

1606. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:27:24 AM

Not that it's a bad name, mind you. But it was trendy. There were a bunch of kids getting named that at one period, just like there are years full of "Brandons," "Jasons," and "Julians."

1607. jonesatlaw - 4/6/2001 2:35:17 AM

When I was teaching, there were four "Jennifers" out of sixteen girls in one class.

As for Cartman, be glad its not a boy, for fear he'd name him Stan or Kenny.

1608. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:41:35 AM

Actually, my son's name isn't trendy for boys--as he reminds me regularly.

In fact, that's not his name. It's a derivative of his name. His real full name is extremely preppy and not trendy at all.

Cart said in the Cafe that the name is Megan. Phew. Not one we mocked at all.

1609. EricCartman - 4/6/2001 2:42:05 AM

That reminds me -- I was once watching the "Behind the Music" of Vanilla Ice (remember him?), and in the final segment, they talked about his devotion to his infant daughter, whose name he had tattooed across his wafer-thin bicep.

The name? "Dusti Rain". As if.

Though I did feel bad at the time, hacking on a poor kid's name.

No, I told the missus at the outset that there would be no unisex names -- no Dakotas, no Morgans, no Ashleys, no Taylors. Sierra sounds like an SUV name to me, and though I like the Celtic spelling of Caitlin, it seemed maybe a tad trendy.

(Apologies to anyone out there if it seems like I'm shitting on your kid's name. I'm not. As Gary Coleman once said, "It takes diff'rent strokes to rule the world, yes it does.")

So we went with sort of a semi-traditional Celtic name that didn't seem to be too much in one area or another. Megan Claire. I dunno. I like it.

The way I look at it, it doesn't matter much -- you call the kid by a nickname till it goes to school, once the kid's in school it gets taunted no matter what the name is, when they're teenagers they're messing with the name and spelling (especially girls), and eventually they grow up and either like the name or change it anyway. So we just went with what we liked without sweating it a whole lot. We hadn't even settled on a name until two days ago.

Odd (and maudlin) fact: It was exactly eight months ago today that I watched my mom die, in the same hospital. And it was a huge deal for her to have a granddaughter. Better late than never, or something. She never knew, but even though I don't buy into that stuff, I'd like to think she knows.

Ciao for now.

1610. CalGal - 4/6/2001 2:43:36 AM

Cart,

You keep on saying Ciao and then don't leave--and I keep on deciding not to tell you to check email. But if you're still around, check email. I sent you back the pictures doctored.

1611. jonesatlaw - 4/6/2001 2:55:07 AM

Cart- the name is nice. You're right about the taunting, there just isn't a taunt proof name. I named my son Sean, thinking it was taunt resistant, though I loved the name Jesse, which is a family name. I just couldn't name a kid Jesse Jones. (The Jesses were on the other side of the family) Years later, I found that my son was regualarly referred to as "Shauniqua" by one of his classmates, who was in turn called "Patricia" instead of Patrick.

1612. angel-five - 4/6/2001 2:59:32 AM

Hey, gratz, Eric. Blessings upon your daughter. Megan Claire is a lovely name.

As to your mother, who knows. But you know she would be happy and that's what counts.

1613. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 6:14:13 AM

Well, thanks to all the contestants who entered the Blarney contest, let's give them a big hand!

[sound of snoring as everyone is asleep]

Unfortunately, although we had several excellent entries, and I want to particularly point out Ms.No, Message # 1502, and Jen, Message # 1568,here, we had almost no voting on the truth/falseness of the stories and so we have no winner, and consequently no losers, other than the usual suspects.

So, on to the new day! Today's theme is, in honor of Cart's recent complete loss of his personal life, making fun of the supposed joys of parenthood, with particular attention to the sensitive Alan Alda type guy as he attempts to be both a good father/partner and a guy.

Please note that this thread, being a Rosetta free zone, cannot in fairness contain ANY references to Rose. I you want to post that Rositta is a skanky whore whose existence is an obvious argument for abortion on demand you need to go elsewhere as such posts will be deleted.

1614. bubbaette - 4/6/2001 7:59:29 AM

I just couldn't name a kid Jesse Jones. (The Jesses were on the other side of the family)

At my last job I worked with a law professor named John Paul Jones. He taught, among other subjects, admiralty.

1615. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 8:03:40 AM

Congratulations, Eric! My kids are all excited about your baby. If you want baby stuff, just ask.

1616. Indiana Jones - 4/6/2001 8:35:31 AM

Great news, Cartman. Thanks for 1609.

1617. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 8:42:43 AM

The first thing you will notice, Eric, when you get home is that there is another "life force" in your home.

Vivid memories of #1 baby coming back to old house on Market Street in Brookeville, MD, and making noise all night long.

Talk about an energy creature!!!

That's when the baby got into bed with us.

1618. Indiana Jones - 4/6/2001 8:50:08 AM

I can't get the link to the D&D rules for sex to work.

Please fix ASAP because I want to familiarize myself with the ins and outs pronto.

1619. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 8:54:11 AM

Let's encourage Eric to keep a cyber journal about his baby.

BTW, my third daughter has the middle name "Claire"!

1620. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 8:55:04 AM

Oops. Actually third child, second daughter.

1621. Fielding - 4/6/2001 9:14:36 AM

Damn!

I'm gone for a few days, and the thread has completely gone to shit:

* D&D links
* Indy stopped posting cheesecake
* Ace begging to get the thread RIPed
* CalGal feels right at home
* Stupid contests

Time to call it the Ace is a GEEK thread. This is so sad.

1622. vw - 4/6/2001 9:17:34 AM

Mourning a Golden Era of posting already? Gees, that usually takes at least 6 months and the banning of one prolific poster before you get to have a "those were the good old days" nostalgia trip.

1623. Indiana Jones - 4/6/2001 9:28:54 AM

I never told a tale yesterday, but here's one from high school that seems apropos.

My buddies and I used to sit at this one table at lunch and plot our pranks and strategems for general mayhem, in between folded paper football and coin basketball. (I don't think the latter is as common as the former, but it's a pretty neat game that requires nothing but a penny, a table, and two shmoes to play. I was the absolute king of it, until this guy named Stretch Armstrong showed up with an illegal across-the-table dunk move, but that's another story.)

Anyways, this absolute goofus named Buford decided he wanted to sit at our table. Now, we weren't the kind of toughs who would beat the crap out of a buttinsky like this--even though all he wanted to do was irritate us and ruin our coolness. So what we did was just keep sliding around the table to make sure he couldn't sit down.

Buford went to the nearby teachers' table and complained. Mr. Stoopberry, the music teacher (who was allergic to oranges and was busy hitting on young Miss Kanafe from PE) came over and told us to knock it off. Even though there were plenty of vacancies elsewhere, "Everyone is entitled to sit at whichever table they choose." He looked to see how this was playing with Miss Kanafe and could tell she was digging his manliness in standing up for the principles of fairness.

To bring this tedious tale to a close, we of course had no recourse faced with Stoopsberry's ultimatum. We all en masse relocated from our table to that of the the teachers, where we now formed the majority. And I reached into my lunch bag and began peeling a fat, juicy orange.

1624. Toenails - 4/6/2001 10:34:48 AM

...and then what happened?

1625. Indiana Jones - 4/6/2001 10:38:28 AM

Please, Toenails. It was stupid when I posted it, but after all that typing I thought, what the hell. Click.

Stone's behavior just reminded me of it.

1626. rubberducky - 4/6/2001 11:30:01 AM

i, myself, happen to like buggery. however, i am curious when perfectly good buggery becomes jackbooted.

1627. Fielding - 4/6/2001 11:33:38 AM

I was dating Lauren. Lauren lived in her parents' one bedroom pied-a-terre on 28th Street. She had a great wit and the unfortunate habit of saying things like "That George Bush is gorgeous". When her parents came to town for the odd weekend, Lauren would sleep on the living room couch .

I was coming to see her on a Friday night. I had a bit of a cold, and it started to rain. We decided that, rather than go out in the rain, it would be better to stay in and play scrabble with her folks. We sat in her living room, and had a grand old time.

About two hours later, Lauren went into the kitchen to do the dishes and Lauren's mother spoke up.

"Fielding," she said, "I'm a bit worried about your cold. It is starting to really pour out there. Why don't you stay over tonight. You can stay on the couch with Lauren."

"Thank you" I said. "It is very thoughtful of you. I just have one question."

At this point Lauren returned to the living room. "What is that?" said Lauren's mom.

I responded: "Do we have to have sex?"

1628. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 12:58:21 PM

Girls,

I just want you to know that every single detail of my "blarney" from yesterday is true.

Now, if you want an in-depth analysis of my final line (which caused so much consternation) kindly rename the thread again to 'Blowjobs - always good?' or some such.

1629. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 1:10:40 PM

My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she only liked me as a friend.
---Rodney Dangerfield

1630. seadate - 4/6/2001 1:15:10 PM

Banks, braces?

1631. wonkers2 - 4/6/2001 1:18:19 PM

Here's a true story from my junior year in high school: Several of my buddies and I used to play pool after school, nine ball mostly, for a quarter a game in a big old fashioned pool hall adjacent to the LSU campus. Every once in a while a senior, sort of a lounge lizard type not known even to play pool, would stride into the emporium, careful to say hello and be noticed by everyone. Then he would head for the men's room at the back where there was a condom machine. We imagined we could hear the quarters going in and the cachunk of the machine delivering the Sheiks. Of course, while our make-out artist senior was so occupied, we peeked out the door to see who was the "sweetie of the week" from our school waiting innocently in the car. Of course we never knew for sure whether the condoms were needed, but a fair number of young Louisiana ladies unknowingly had a shadow cast on their reputations outside the College Town Pool Hall that year.

1632. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 1:19:54 PM

Bingo, seadate, bingo.

1633. seadate - 4/6/2001 1:27:32 PM

Banks, you *were* being polite. I'm still laughing over that one ...

She: "hey Banks sweetie, I'm gonna do something *special* for you"

Banks: "Uh, ok".

She: "I know how much you boys like that. Did you enjoy the first one?" (reaches for his crotch)

Banks: "Ouch, go easy this time ... I'm having the stitches removed tomorrow" (cringes in polite pain)

1634. wonkers2 - 4/6/2001 1:28:48 PM

By the way, oral hetero sex was unknown to us, meaning we hadn't even heard of it, let alone tried it. Blowjobs were for "queers" only. Regular sex was more talked about than accomplished. Born 30 years too soon!

1635. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 1:30:28 PM

Well, it wasn't painful, merely unappealing, inexpert, sloppy and new to me.

1637. Cellar Door - 4/6/2001 2:05:54 PM

Looks like the shit has REALLY hit the fan!

1638. jexster - 4/6/2001 2:09:01 PM

Bugger me Acie Bugger Me!

1639. rubberducky - 4/6/2001 2:31:48 PM

before or after you clean up your 'runny shit'?

1640. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:40:26 PM

Fielding,

This thread started out as Geek thread. You were among the Geeks who enjoyed it, Mr. D&D.

But perhaps you're just steamed that vonGURPSTER has given GURPS equal billing with D&D. I understand how die-hard some of you fuckers can be.

1641. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:41:19 PM

I should also note that this terrible, unfocused, idiotic thread continues to pull in a respectable number of posts.

Sure, it's chiefly me an vonGURPSTER posting here; but we count too.

1642. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:42:03 PM

Idiot.




And further, let me say:

Poopstain your BVD's and eat my runny shit and open your mouth wide to take my nasty viral load.

1643. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:43:41 PM

vonGURPS:

I don't like Majoribanks posting here. He is a foreigner, and an arrogant one at that.

I would like to begin deleting him as well. We don't need no riff-raff. When I want to deal with "his kind" I'll order take-out curry or take a cab.


What say you?

1644. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:45:45 PM

To be deleted:

Majoribanks
ScottLoar
LohrM (I can't tell these two imbeciles apart)


PelleNillson can post here, because he has the proper obsequiously hunched-over ingratiating attitude of a conquered foreign people.

Other foreigners can post here, so long as they maintain this stooped-over demeanor.

In addition, all foreigners must only address vonGURPS and I (and any other important native persons) as "Sahib."

1645. rubberducky - 4/6/2001 2:46:50 PM

and somehow i thought all the good thread topics were gone by now

1646. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 2:55:26 PM

Further requirements:

To emphasize their foreigness, and to keep them from passing themselves off as honest-to-god Americans, all foreigners are herewith required to speak in slightly corrupted and florid English, like the "Sullah" Egyptian character from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

For example, if a foreigner wishes to refer to a "tank," he must instead refer to a "steel beast." When he wishes to speak of an enemy, he must speak of a "Blue Eyed Devil" or the like.

Foreigners who cannot or will not abide by these simple, fair rules will be summarily deleted.

1647. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 3:03:27 PM

Honestly, Spade. Where do you come up with this stuff? Do you actually talk like you write?

1648. Jenerator - 4/6/2001 3:04:46 PM

Not that it's important, but my story was true.

1649. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:09:57 PM

"Honestly, Spade. Where do you come up with this stuff? Do you actually talk like you write? "

Ask your whorish mother.

1650. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 3:12:47 PM

Jenerator: Of course your story is true. You're a Christian woman.

1651. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:13:19 PM

rosie,

Have you ever noticed that, whenever you speak to someone at parties, they immediately down their drink and claim they must go get another?

And then they never seem to come back, but rather move to the opposite area of the room, sometimes preferring to stand in stoney silence rather than to rekindle their conversation with you?

Why do you imagine that is?

Do you then seek such persons out and ask them, repeatedly, "Why are you treating me unfairly?"

If so, do they immediately slam down their drink again and go off to fetch another?

1652. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:14:34 PM

There was once a time when I defended every move against you.

Now I enthusiastically lead the mob for your banning.


Why do you think that is?

1653. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 3:14:58 PM

Actually, Spade, my mother died when I was 17 of breast cancer.

Make a joke out of that.

1654. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:15:39 PM

Do you think it's because you criticized this thread?

if so, why I am not similarly calling for the banning of GlendaJean, FU, Fielding, and any dozen other posters who would like this thread killed?

Why have I singled you out for such special scorn?

1655. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:18:15 PM

"Actually, Spade, my mother died when I was 17 of breast cancer.

Make a joke out of that."

Here's a joke: Some people know better than to constantly offer up the private details of their personal lives to PERFECT FUCKING STRANGERS who simply DO NOT CARE about such details, and, in fact, are rather repelled by the clueless breach of etiquette.

Others don't. They just don't fucking know any better.

1656. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 3:20:51 PM

Really?

1657. rubberducky - 4/6/2001 3:22:31 PM

is this really news, Slide?

1658. Fielding - 4/6/2001 3:22:37 PM

I don't want this thread killed. Maybe one of its hosts . . .

1659. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:22:52 PM

Three weeks ago an attractive woman began chatting me up at a party. She dropped three or four unreciprocated sexual references in ten minutes and gave out various unsolicited bits of personal information.

So, this attractive woman was kind of hitting on me. What did I do? I walked away.

Why?

Well, one, because I'm in a relationship.

But Two, and this is important, because she was a social retard who didn't understand the ground rules of normal human interaction, and I thought something was seriously WRONG with her. She went from "fox" to "fucking retard psychopath" in the span of fifteen minutes.


Do you get me, Sweetheart? Do you see the analogy I'm trying to draw for you?

1660. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 3:24:36 PM

You, in a relationship?

Really?

1661. Wombat - 4/6/2001 3:24:59 PM

Ace:

You'll have to spell it out even more. Rosie is nothing if not obtuse.

1662. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:28:57 PM

Rosie,

Make up a list of all the personal information I've given out about myself. In your head, not in this thread.

Do the same for Wombat, Ducky, etc.

Now compare those lists to rather impressive, and unsolicited, database each of us has on you, you moron.

Also calculate the number of times I have used the pathetic tactic of seeking pity. "Oh, I know no one here likes me, and I could never compete with the likes of FU, but waaaaaah, be faaaaaaaaiiiiiir..."

Now compare that the number of times you have tried this godawful, dignity-rending tactic.

Maybe people would pay attention to you if you behaved like a normal fucking human being.

You see the way other people behave on-line, or in real life, for that matter? Try to imitate that sort of behavior.

1663. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 3:31:51 PM

Change the name of the thread to "Aunt Ace's Advice".

More appropriate. Much more appropriate.

1664. rubberducky - 4/6/2001 3:33:00 PM

You see the way other people behave on-line, or in real life, for that matter? Try to imitate that sort of behavior.

i tend to think he is, Ace

he is just using fellow idiotic nutcases over at TT as his baseline.

1665. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 3:35:03 PM

Majori,

Can I get a "Sahib"?

1666. Fielding - 4/6/2001 3:39:17 PM

Jen

"Not that it's important, but my story was true."

Mine too.

1667. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 3:59:51 PM

Spades,

There are so many jocular Hindi words more appropriate. 'Lund', for instance. 'Ghandu' is another, 'Bhen Chod' may be the best, it's certainly what I'd call you in real life.

Use them with Indians, they work as well as the 'titles' you normally throw around.

1668. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 4:04:13 PM

She went from "fox" to "fucking retard psychopath" in the span of fifteen minutes.

I'm certain any observers would've thought the same in that particular fantasy.

1669. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:06:15 PM

On a strange and unrelated note, did anyone watch the Politically Incorrect show yesterday. There was a cute little fundie girl who defended chastity most winningly.

I start to like Maher less and less these days.

1670. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 4:06:59 PM

One begins to wonder how much "fantasy" life Spade lives in...

1671. Cellar Door - 4/6/2001 4:10:16 PM

Chastity is a no-win situation if there ever was one.

1672. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:13:10 PM

I'm into the 'save sex for marriage; message these days.

What can I say, CD. It's not too different for you. Don't you wish you'd waited till you found the partner you wanted to spend your life with?

I do. Or at least that's what I can persuasively argue with my wife.

1673. Cellar Door - 4/6/2001 4:14:34 PM

Well it'll be 29 years this August.

1674. Cellar Door - 4/6/2001 4:15:11 PM

So neither of us was "waiting."

1675. Cellar Door - 4/6/2001 4:15:52 PM

And we've also enjoyed copious amounts of extra-curricular nookie.

1676. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:16:07 PM

Congratulations.

That beats the hell out of me.

Here's what I think of promiscuity in retrospect - it wasn't worth the effort.

1677. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 4:16:11 PM

That's gotta hurt...

1678. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:22:04 PM

In the end, I think gay sex has different emotional consequences for the those who enjoy it. This is not true of some, but of most.

For me, I do not reject or regret my past, but I have not in most part even had a whisper of doubt about my decision to embrace monogamy.

1679. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 4:22:39 PM

I stayed a virgin until I was 19, and the girl practically attacked me.

1680. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:24:22 PM

I think the title should now be changed to 'Ace's Sharing Thread'.

1681. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:27:14 PM

Major Nawab - I still call bullshit on your characterization of a blowjob to your fifteen year old self as being, well I forget the exact words, but completely uninteresting or something like that, perhaps you used a foreign word I forget. But the point is Tonto that you claimed to have had several rounds of completely unexciting oral sex. I cannot believe this to be true. At fifteen the sex might have been excrutiatingly uncomfortable, even blindingly painful, but NOT unexciting. Sorry, un-fucking-believable, particularly from an oversexed foreigner such as yourself.

1682. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 4:28:41 PM

Should be a law preventing mixed-hand marriages.

1683. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:28:54 PM

VonK,

I'm sharing here, in Ace's comforting thread.

Do not interrupt, please. You're making me less secure.

1684. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:29:21 PM

Ace - What the hell is Stoner doing in this thread? Did you not read the stupid thread description I put up this morning?

Shit, I've referred to Stoner. Ace, while you'r edoing the magic poof thing be sure to delete this post also. I'd do it, but the connection I'm on at the moment is sooo slow that I'm not going to bother.

1685. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:30:17 PM

Like I am supposed to care about your swarthy sense of security Nabob? Go get me a gin and tonic, there's a good man.

1686. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 4:31:51 PM

vK,

I do not have the energy to delete all of Moron's posts. I will delete if he becomes bothersome.


I don't understand why Tonto isn't calling us Sahib, as I expressly demanded.

1687. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:36:11 PM

I see that there was beaucoup foofaraw in the Whining and Bitching About Policy thread. Can you give me the skinny on what, if anything, of substance occurred?

Where is that boy with the gin and tonic?

1688. Fielding - 4/6/2001 4:36:40 PM

Margie:

"In the end, I think gay sex has different emotional consequences for the those who enjoy it. This is not true of some, but of most.

For me, I do not reject or regret my past, but I have not in most part even had a whisper of doubt about my decision to embrace monogamy."

If you had even detectable testosterone levels, you wouldn't spout such bullshit.

1689. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:37:35 PM

That does it.

I'm calling for this thread's deletion for being so very cruel about my heartfeltedness. You're mean, this thread is mean.

Boohoo.

1690. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:39:17 PM

Ha there's the drink, thank you my good man, but do try to be more prompt in the future.

1691. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:40:18 PM

Oh, I'm sorry Major, what exactly occured to cause such an unmanly display of emotion?

1692. marjoribanks - 4/6/2001 4:42:57 PM

I think this thread should be renamed to 'Indians, how wrong are we about the people of this great nation'.

We can explore how the hosts have used trivial, sophomoric, stereotypes to deny the fact their boss is Indian. And how the best babes in the world are Indian. And many other such things.

1693. vonKreedon - 4/6/2001 4:42:58 PM

Ah well, buck old chap, there you go.

Ace, old snort, I hate to cut and run and all that, but I really just dropped by to be sure that you had affairs well in hand, knew you would of course. Tata.

Really, this connection is insufferably slow.

1694. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 4:52:14 PM

Can you imagine being in Dublin, Ireland, and hanging out in your hotel room most of the time posting on the mote?

Really, VonKreep. Get the jelly.

1695. MsIvoryTower - 4/6/2001 5:06:07 PM

Can you give me the skinny on what, if anything, of substance occurred?

Happy to oblige....

Nada.

Nothing.

The usual.

1696. Francis Urquhart - 4/6/2001 5:07:39 PM

Are we talking "How" Indians or "Quickie Mart" Indians?

I just want to be clear before I lapse into insult.

1697. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 5:09:34 PM

Either. What's the difference.

1698. Francis Urquhart - 4/6/2001 5:12:48 PM

The "How" Indians always start crying when you throw trash at their feet on the highway.

Like clockwork, the spigots start flowing. I love that.

1699. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 5:14:38 PM

Well, I can't tell them apart. if you can, maybe there's something wrong with you.

1700. Francis Urquhart - 4/6/2001 5:19:01 PM

Are you thick? One set has trash at their feet. Open your ears, jackass.

1701. marshame - 4/6/2001 5:36:36 PM

Jeez I feel like I've been trapped in a toilet stall in the men's room, not knowing which is worse: to come out and reveal my presence to the nasty little band of bad boys who have been ripping at each other, or to stay huddled on the toilet seat, with my feet off the floor, stuck listening to more of this.


What ever happened to sensitive guys, like Alan Alda???

1702. JudithAtHome - 4/6/2001 5:39:30 PM

Well, marsha, most times when I go into the mens room, I'm not surprised to find men there....

1703. marshame - 4/6/2001 5:40:48 PM

Yes Judith, but the topic of the day was supposed to be sensitive men/daddies, like Alan Alda. Isn't that a legitimate reason to go to the Men's Room??

1704. marshame - 4/6/2001 5:41:29 PM

Although I agree that "Jackbooted Buggary" is a bit inconsistant with the day's topic, and should have been a clue...

1705. JudithAtHome - 4/6/2001 5:43:46 PM

Isn't that a legitimate reason to go to the Men's Room??

Not for me...I seek sensitive guys at the museum and the symphony but not in the john.

As a rule.

1706. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 5:58:17 PM

I first time I saw a woman in the men's room I was freaked out. But not for long.

It was at a concert for Bob Dylan/The Band at the Capital Centre in 1975 and everyone was drinking beer and the women were determined to get to the stalls.

The guys smiled to each other and wished them well.

1707. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 6:02:55 PM

Mm. Fascinating.

1708. Fielding - 4/6/2001 6:08:06 PM

Rose:

"I first time I saw a woman in the men's room I was freaked out. But not for long.

It was at a concert for Bob Dylan/The Band at the Capital Centre in 1975 and everyone was drinking beer and the women were determined to get to the stalls."

And you ended up taking home the gal using the urinal next to yours.

1709. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 6:20:00 PM

All that copy for the little, tiny joke at the end, Fielding.

1710. Fielding - 4/6/2001 6:22:47 PM

That's what she said.

1711. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 6:25:28 PM

All that copy for the little, tiny joke at the end...

What the "date" in the other stall said...

1712. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 6:26:13 PM

Better.

Keep working on them, Fielding. I'm still aiming for 2000

1713. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 6:26:35 PM

Damn you Fielding...

experience wins once again.

1714. AceofSpades - 4/6/2001 6:27:20 PM

Rosie,

And any millenial you snag will be immediately deleted and replaced with a post in my name.

1715. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 6:27:44 PM

Really, lab. You really are late this month.

1716. Fielding - 4/6/2001 6:28:11 PM

So is your daughter.

1717. labwabbit - 4/6/2001 6:30:15 PM

Not with my luck...

1718. Fielding - 4/6/2001 6:31:47 PM

1716 is intended to Rosa.

1719. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 6:34:02 PM

If you have to explain a joke, it's not a joke.

take #2

1720. Fielding - 4/6/2001 6:37:57 PM

Rosa:

"If you have to explain a joke, it's not a joke. take #2"

Oh yeah? Well what is it when you pick up a girl in the bathroom at a Dylan concert, and when you take her home, she fucks you in the ass?

take #2

1721. RosettaStone - 4/6/2001 6:43:12 PM

It's another

Fielding fantasy

1722. Jon Ferguson - 4/6/2001 11:19:49 PM

I'm not keen on wading through 300 posts of shit. Has Ace completed that third episode of Bjorn & Stinky yet? If so, what post please?

Thanks.

1723. Jon Ferguson - 4/6/2001 11:50:07 PM

I'm too lazy to do the html to link this, but this is one damn fine hardcore porn pic:

http://terra.es/personal5/fiona80/1/14.jpg

1724. Cellar Door - 4/7/2001 1:50:04 AM

Here's a wonderful link, in light of the title of this thread.

1725. vonKreedon - 4/7/2001 5:37:00 AM

MajorNawab - I absolutely will give you that some of the hottests babes are sub-con babes;sultry with a submissive fire in their dark eyes seen over a tantelizing veil. And that little red thingy between their eyes just makes me wild for some reason. They have this lithe pantherishness combined with a cool remote exterior; one has the feeling that in bed it would be a firestorm, but then they'd she'd act like she hardly knew you. Though, thinking about it, I guess that has pretty much been the story of my life.

Francine - I can't keep track of the different tribes, we're talking about indians and I don't think that we need to get more explicit than that.

Special note: The theme was such a rousing success that I am extending it through the weekend.

1726. vonKreedon - 4/7/2001 5:40:19 AM

Ace - Seriously old chap, if you can't keep Stoner out of the club I may have to resign my membership.

1727. Indiana Jones - 4/7/2001 10:02:33 AM

Toys? Rosetta left a font tag open up thread and the screen is shouting at me because I have CSS disabled. (Long story as to why.)

On the subject of Indian women: I was watching one of these Miss Universe/Miss World/Miss Galactica contests a couple of years ago, and they got down to the "Let's ask 'em a question part." On this show they had the computer tallies of the judges' scores running throughout, and Miss India was kicking ass.

Then she gets this question: If you were the leader of your country, what would you do to address its problems?

Miss India: What my country most needs is a new stadium to play football in. I think that would be a signficant accomplishment, to build a brand new stadium with more seating capacity because it would inspire us all.

Her scores dropped faster than the seventh veil of Scherezade.

But one thing you can about Indian women: there's a helluva lot of 'em. And all half billion minus one are breathing easier now that Marj has vowed lifelong monogamy.

1728. wonkers2 - 4/7/2001 11:22:36 PM

For a little class see Archetypes by Helmut Newton

1729. vonKreedon - 4/8/2001 4:56:08 AM

This post is an automated daily post to ensure that this thread does not suffer the Dr. Xavier T. Coldcut Memorial death from host neglect.

Jackbooted Pelle now lacks the requisite host absence excuse for deleting this thread.

1730. joezan - 4/8/2001 7:19:58 AM

Good move, vonK.

You've got this thread hosting thing nailed, dude.

1731. PelleNilsson - 4/8/2001 9:32:20 AM

Foiled again by the smart-ass kid.

Shit.

1732. jonesatlaw - 4/8/2001 10:12:11 PM

I see that the offensensitivity training goes well here.

1733. Dusty - 4/9/2001 11:44:00 AM

"offensensitivity" doesn't scan

1734. Jenerator - 4/9/2001 12:28:20 PM

Speaking of sensitivity, I like the new "Boot Camp" show. I should have been a recruit, I would have kicked Meyer's butt.

1735. seadate - 4/9/2001 12:38:08 PM

I'll resist posting the "obvious" in response to Jen. hehe

1737. Jenerator - 4/9/2001 1:07:10 PM

You sure are directing a lot of posts to me Jade. They voted you off of Boot Camp last week.

1738. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 1:37:01 PM

JadeGold,

The purpose of this thread is for *fun* abuse.

In other words, you are free to make fun of anyone who *likes* you. In your case, this would be....

...well, I don't know who it would be. Wonkers, I guess, is about the sum and entirety of the list.

Further, this thread is for *wit*. Not your idiotic knee-jerk put-downs, recycled for the billionth time.

I spell these points out for you because I *certainly* would not want to begin deleting your posts unfairly. Like everyone else, you are more than welcome to post here, assuming you are capable of posting in the spirit of the thread.

Thank you for cooperating.

1745. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 1:51:34 PM

JadeGold,

Last warning: Either comport your postings here with the spirit of the thread or have every post deleted.

Your choice.

1748. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 1:57:12 PM

JadeGold's abusive posts have been deleted. So have most of my responses and Seadate's respones to same.

Two of the warnings issued to JadeGold were left standing; another brief warning ("Strike two") was deleted.

1750. seadate - 4/9/2001 2:03:52 PM

Gotta be penis envy.

1751. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 2:05:32 PM

JadeGold,

For the moment, only your objectionable posts are being deleted.

Continue spamming the thread and you will be completely banned.

Thank you for cooperating.

1752. seadate - 4/9/2001 2:05:45 PM

1750 refers to Jade, but will likely be deleted before this posts.

1754. seadate - 4/9/2001 2:06:47 PM

C'mon Ace, lemme play with her for a while before you throw her back out on the street.

1756. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 2:08:33 PM

JadeGold:

You are now banned. Not a single post of yours will be allowed here.

Thank you very much.

Furthermore, I am requesting that PelleNillson suspend you for spamming.

Thank you for cooperating.

1758. seadate - 4/9/2001 2:10:27 PM

Ace, disregard my last post.

Thanks,

seadate

1759. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 2:13:06 PM

Seadate,

If you want to respond to this thing, please do so in The Inferno, rather than here.

I don't want to delete your posts, but leaving your posts here makes the the thread unreadably choppy, you know?

1761. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 2:47:25 PM

Very choppy indeed.

Ace, mail on the way to Blackthorne-san.

1762. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:46:39 PM

The one mind that Ace and I share will drop this and await further provocation by the paper tiger running dog hegemonists.

1763. PsychProf - 4/9/2001 3:47:56 PM

Ok...I'll go away.

1764. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:48:32 PM

Of course that means that you probably have a maximum of two hours before some version of this rears its ugly head. Maybe longer since Fergie has been banned.....Doh! I mentioned banning! Damn, I did it again!

I hope I don't get banned for that.

1765. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:48:58 PM

There's an old SNL sketch where Adam Sandler & David Spade & Chris Farley play sweatered-&-skireted 15 year old girls working at the Gap.


Every time Spade & Farley begin cutting on each other, Sandler begins hyperventilating and quivering and whining, "Can't you see you're hurting each other?"

PP & Seadate are much like this Sandler character.

1766. seadate - 4/9/2001 3:49:08 PM

PPs Spokesman

1767. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:50:21 PM

BAN PSYCH PROF

Can't you see he's hurting VonK and I?

1768. seadate - 4/9/2001 3:50:40 PM

PP & Seadate are much like this Sandler character.

Preferable to Ace and the Fagbat club doin' a circle jerk.

1769. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:50:57 PM

Ace - Could you please take your discussion of how PP and Seadate are not funny to the Offensensitivity Training thread?

You have been warned, and thank you for your cooperation.

1770. PsychProf - 4/9/2001 3:51:12 PM

Ace...nothing like a personal attack on someone to deflect a point.

1771. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:51:13 PM

BAN SEADATE

Can't we all just not get along?

1772. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:51:28 PM

Seadate, that goes for you too.

1773. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:52:44 PM

Ace...nothing like a personal attack on someone to deflect a point.

By Jove, I think he's got it!

A slam
or spam
nicely gets you out of a ja-am

1774. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:53:31 PM

PP - At this point our mind has flipped into flippantly rude and funny mode. As such the posts should really be in The Thread With Many Names, but we can't seem to control the Ace part of our mind. At any rate, don't take the cuts as much other than weak and misguided attempts at humor.

1775. Ms. No - 4/9/2001 3:55:16 PM

(CRACK!)

Move it or lose it, guys. I have paying work to get to today and my whip hand is starting to get antsy.

1776. PelleNilsson - 4/9/2001 3:55:48 PM

Ace and vonK

It is not completely unfunny but it would play better in your own thread, methinks.

1777. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:55:59 PM

Ace...nothing like a personal attack on someone to deflect a point.

Finally... someone understands.

A rip
or quip
can help deflect a trip-up

1778. PsychProf - 4/9/2001 3:56:14 PM

In other words you guys can spam and post off topic, but others need to get suspended and banned for this.

1779. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 3:58:44 PM

"In other words you guys can spam and post off topic, but others need to get suspended and banned for this."

Finally... a ray of light penetrates his thick skull.

Good
for me
is bad for you
do as
I say
and not
as I do-ooo

1780. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 3:59:31 PM

PP - I agree. Pelle, be a dear and move the appropriate last bunch of posts to the Funny Bantering Insults That Don't Hurt thread. Thanks.

1781. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 4:07:35 PM

Hey, I don't want this crap cluttering up my thread.

1783. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 4:10:02 PM

So delete it, maybe it's not funny? At any rate, I've got to go.

1784. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 4:11:32 PM

Good lord.

Pelle, do they have irony in Swedtzerland or wherever the fuck you're from?

Pelle's 1782 deleted for gross stupidity.

1785. AceofSpades - 4/9/2001 4:12:37 PM

And moved to Suggestions, where such stupidity belongs.

1786. CalGal - 4/9/2001 4:32:37 PM

This is the kind of place where guys call each other "dear"?

1787. Toenails - 4/9/2001 5:30:14 PM

If you have deletions here for gross stupidity, why isn't this an empty thread?

1788. JudithAtHome - 4/9/2001 5:46:20 PM

Great question, Toe...

1789. Cellar Door - 4/9/2001 6:59:08 PM

This is the kind of place where guys call each other "dear"?

No, that would be MY thread.

Hey -- when are be going to get "Behind the Cellar Door" anyway?

1790. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 7:02:07 PM

Or, "Cellar Door's Behind"

1791. Cellar Door - 4/9/2001 7:03:44 PM

I was waiting for that!

1792. vonKreedon - 4/9/2001 7:54:29 PM

I bet you were, squire, I bet you were!

1793. vonKreedon - 4/10/2001 10:07:34 PM

In honor of Holland deciding that suicide should be legal, tomorow's (4/11/01) is a discussion of the positive aspects of killing oneself...well, maybe not myself, but certainly yourself.

1794. labwabbit - 4/10/2001 10:57:09 PM

Do proceed...

1795. wonkers2 - 4/10/2001 11:06:06 PM

Well, assisted suicide should be available, at least, to all members of this forum. For openers. Yesterday, Jack Kevorkian promised to swear off if they let him out of the slammer while his case is under appeal. I hope they do. He's a hero for some here in Michigan, a bit of a nut case, but a hero, nevertheless.

1796. joezan - 4/10/2001 11:20:26 PM

Uh...you mean, A hero to the nut cases, right?

1797. wonkers2 - 4/10/2001 11:23:19 PM

Ha! Bonkers, I mean Wonkers, isn't a nut case.

1798. vonKreedon - 4/10/2001 11:24:33 PM

Michigan - Come and be Kevorked!

Michigan: Our heroes are nut cases!

Michigan: The last state you'll visit!

Michigan: We'll let you out of the slammer if you really promise not to do it again!

Michigan: Now offering a two for one Death Tax rebate!

1799. wonkers2 - 4/10/2001 11:31:14 PM

But we don't have capital punishment in Michigan. Not since 1860-something.

1800. joezan - 4/10/2001 11:36:50 PM

Even 2nd-Nutcase-in-Charge Fieger has washed his hands of Dr. Death.

Everyone knew this lunatic would give up his stupid cause after a few months in the slammer.

1801. CalGal - 4/10/2001 11:44:16 PM

Kevorkian is one of those nutjobs who masks his obsession behind a social cause.

I think assisted suicide should stay in the shadow areas, myself. I do think it should be easier for the terminally ill to kill themselves with meds, though.

1802. wonkers2 - 4/10/2001 11:45:10 PM

Makes sense to me. Shotguns are so messy!

1803. Stumbo - 4/10/2001 11:51:05 PM

Why just the terminally ill?

1804. Stumbo - 4/10/2001 11:55:45 PM

I say they should put strangubation devices on all street corners. "Make love to Miss Michigan one last time!"

1805. CalGal - 4/10/2001 11:59:34 PM

Why just the terminally ill? No particular reason other than it appears to be a good dividing line. For one thing, letting meds out and about doesn't always mean they'll be used for one's own use--so you'll want to be controlling its use closely. Restricting it to the terminally ill would make it more controllable.

1806. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:05:40 AM

"... letting meds out and about doesn't always mean they'll be used for one's own use..."

Hence, parlors. You go in, you don't come out. No danger of anyone using his meds to poison someone else.

1807. CalGal - 4/11/2001 12:09:16 AM

No, that would involve other people doing the killing, or issuing drugs. I think suicide is the right idea--they just need to be allowed to do so with medication.

1808. joezan - 4/11/2001 12:12:15 AM

Every one of the people Kevorkian "assisted" had the ability to kill him/herself.

The fact that they didn't is evidence to me that they simply didn't want to die all that badly.

Kevorkian knew this very well.

He is a true ghoul - Marilyn Manson wishes he were one-hundredth the ghoul Kevorkian is.

If Kevorkian gets out before he dies, I would seriously not be surprised to read about him digging up bodies.

1809. sakonige - 4/11/2001 12:15:28 AM

What do you mean they had the ability to kill themselves? Some of them couldn't even move their arms.

1810. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:17:58 AM

CG:

How can I commit suicide using medication unless either 1) I have my own pharmaceutical lab, or 2) I rob a drugstore, or 3) someone issues me that medication?

1811. sakonige - 4/11/2001 12:18:26 AM

The option to throw yourself off a 30 story building to end your pain isn't quite the same as the option to drug yourself to endless sleep, either.

1812. joezan - 4/11/2001 12:20:18 AM

sak:

Hey - hows life in the Great Plains?

Actually - I misspoke. Maybe a couple of them lacked that capacity. Even then, though, at least one used a breathing tube.

Spit it out, if you wanna die.

The majority, though, were perfectly capable of hauling themselves up to the 30th floor and leaping. Or shooting themselves. Or, failing that, od-ing.

1813. CalGal - 4/11/2001 12:21:19 AM

The fact that they didn't is evidence to me that they simply didn't want to die all that badly.

If they didn't want to die all that badly, they wouldn't have had someone else kill them.

Simple truth is that there are people who want to die but can't get the will to commit suicide. I don't think assisted suicide is a way around that problem--they just have to get the will to do it themselves or deal with the fact that they may be getting someone tried for murder, even if they aren't as wacko as Kevorkian.

But I think it's silly to pretend that Kevorkian killed these people without their active consent.

1814. joezan - 4/11/2001 12:22:00 AM

Strange, strange moment:

I had not read your #1811 before posting my reply to 1809.

1815. CalGal - 4/11/2001 12:24:25 AM

How can I commit suicide using medication unless either 1) I have my own pharmaceutical lab, or 2) I rob a drugstore, or 3) someone issues me that medication?


Issuing the meds is not assisted suicide--or if it is, the line needs to be drawn in such a way that it is not. Obviously. I don't believe pharmacists are charged with it often.

Generally, assisted suicide is when someone pulls the trigger, holds their head and helps them take the meds, puts a plastic bag over their head, and so on.

1816. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:25:10 AM

JoeZ:

Why should I have to run the risk of going through extreme pain, or failing and waking up a quadriplegic, or squishing someone on the sidewalk 30 floors down -- just to convince you that I want to die badly enough?

1817. joezan - 4/11/2001 12:27:36 AM

Because you value my opinion?

1818. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:30:01 AM

CG:

What about Kevorkian's original method? He provides the machine, I press the button that starts the sequence of injections. Fine by you?

1819. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:32:21 AM

JoeZ:

Heh. Not that much, sorry. And if you value mine that much... don't.

1820. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:32:56 AM

(I have a feeling Ace is going to delete all of this, BTW.)

1821. CalGal - 4/11/2001 12:33:45 AM

Stumbo,

That's a bit too Goldbergian for my tastes. I can't think people who could just go to the doctor and get a prescription wouldn't do that. Why injections, anyway, if you can take pills?

1822. CalGal - 4/11/2001 12:34:20 AM

Will he?

I thought vK started it. Sorry, Ace, if it's off-topic.

1823. AceofSpades - 4/11/2001 12:34:31 AM

Ace has a feeling he's going to delete all this, too.

Then again, Ace needs the traffic.

Just don't talk about musicals, diaphragms, or douchebags.

1824. joezan - 4/11/2001 12:34:51 AM

..but he'll leave the strangubation post - that is truly a classic, my man.

1825. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 12:50:15 AM

CG:

Not sure which Goldberg you're referring to.

"Why injections, anyway, if you can take pills?"

I don't think there's a painless and fool-proof way of doing it with pills. (It's been a while since I've checked the a.s.h. FAQ, though.)

The idea of the injection sequence was: the first one knocks you out; the second, a coupla minutes later, kills you. That can be made fairly fool-proof, and automated.

1826. Stumbo - 4/11/2001 1:40:34 AM

JoeZ:

Is it a regional term? (I mean, the one of the two that isn't obviously regional.)

1827. Indiana Jones - 4/11/2001 8:40:24 AM

Recipe for lesbian suicide:

1. Put on a DVD of your favorite musical or musicals.
   
2. Fill you and your partner's diaphragms with baking soda before inserting them and then proceed to have hot female-on-female sex. (Please videotape this portion of the evening's festivities and email in mpeg format to kevinblackthorne@aol.com.)
   
3. Afterwards, each of you should douche using douchebags full of vinegar.
   

1828. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 8:55:01 AM

i dunno why you wouldn't wanna allow anyone to off themselves if they wanted and allow people to help them kill themselves in the most efficient manner possible. hell, there are 6 Billion people (and counting) on the planet NOW. we aren't gonna miss a few here and there.

1829. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 10:18:35 AM

I was afraid that this theme might devolve into an actual discussion of ethical suicide. But, as Ace says, we need the traffic and are desperate enought to even take actual polite intellectual discussion of an actual issue that more properly belongs in Current Events.

The strangubation post was very good though, let's try for more of that style of posting.

1830. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 10:21:56 AM

oh...

how about if i reword it to read:

'we got enuff mo-fos around here, so let the fuckers kill dey selves if'n dey wanna'

1831. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 10:33:36 AM

No ducky, more like:

'Hey, we've got 6 Billion people (and counting) on the planet NOW, and most of them are fucking idiots, such as yourself, and we would all be better off if you took a one way trip to Holland.'

1832. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 10:40:52 AM

of course!

smacks head

i forgot to get in the personal attack

1833. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 10:43:52 AM

Yeah Duck, stay focused or go visit Michigan already.

1834. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 10:45:16 AM

will do, er, vonFuckdon

1835. marjoribanks - 4/11/2001 11:20:40 AM

Yet another astoundingly weak idea from the geek duo.

really, they deserve some kind of a prize. In effect they've had half-a-dozen threads and they've all been spectacularly ill-conceived.

Kudos, boys, kudos.

1836. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 11:53:22 AM

Thanks Marj, I'm thinking of rewarding ourselves by giving Ace a little trip to the Netherlands, or perhaps Michigan if they let Jack out.

1837. Indiana Jones - 4/11/2001 1:06:55 PM

Question: How many people do we need to eliminate to make this a nice planet?

Let's hear some bids. Take into account sustainable total population, plus the basic fraction of people you think need killing.

One person who will make the cut in Indy's utopia:

1838. bubbaette - 4/11/2001 1:07:45 PM

Suicide has such negative connotations -- despair, failure, depression and the like. I suggest that we call it "post-partum abortion" instead.

1839. bubbaette - 4/11/2001 1:09:18 PM

I suggest that we first eliminate telemarketers.

1840. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 1:13:07 PM

Well one of the first sets to go would naturally be youth in Asia.

Igor - Yes, she gets to stay, definitely.

Bub - No, abortion is far too politically loaded a term. How about, post-partum miscarriage?

1841. Ms. No - 4/11/2001 1:39:08 PM

How about we call it Vital Returns?

"Hey, Man, I got this life and I've decided I don't really want or need it so I'm giving it back."

1842. bubbaette - 4/11/2001 1:40:14 PM

But a post-partum miscarriage doesn't imply the right to choose. Important rights are at stake here.

I suggest we use "post-partum miscarriage" for state executions.

1843. AceofSpades - 4/11/2001 1:43:53 PM

POOPSTAIN

1844. glendajean - 4/11/2001 2:40:10 PM

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And dugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Noose give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.

-- Dorothy Parker

1845. glendajean - 4/11/2001 2:40:31 PM

er, that should be "nooses give..."

1846. glendajean - 4/11/2001 2:40:55 PM

and "drugs cause..."

1847. glendajean - 4/11/2001 2:41:48 PM

Donatations will be accepted for the failing spelling Moters of a certain age.

1848. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 2:41:57 PM

Re-Cycling Your Vital Force! Now that is a positive spin to the idea.

Yeah man, he was like so totally bored with life that he just had to go recycle his vital force. I miss the dude sometimes, yah know?

And then there's the Post-Partum Miscarriage.

Joe, he like did this mom and her kid. And we all thought that he was going to slide with life, but man, since Arnie won governor there been a slue of Post-Partum 'Carriages, man! I miss that psycho fucker Joe, sometimes.

1849. labwabbit - 4/11/2001 2:47:10 PM

I say let there be NO age limit for abortions.

1850. Jenerator - 4/11/2001 2:56:33 PM

Eliminate all convicted capital murderers, pedophiles, neo-nazis, jihad, hezbollah, and all known terrorists.

1851. Toenails - 4/11/2001 3:04:31 PM

How does a capital murderer differ from an ordinary murderer?

1852. Ms. No - 4/11/2001 3:07:01 PM

Capital murderers are sentenced to death for their crimes which are generally 1st degree as opposed to second or third. Not all murderers are sentenced to capital punishment.

1853. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 3:07:11 PM

you have to kill in D.C.

1854. rubberducky - 4/11/2001 3:07:42 PM

showoff

1855. labwabbit - 4/11/2001 3:15:34 PM

How does a capital murderer differ from an ordinary murderer?

One can be a murderer...
Or one can be a MURDERER...

1856. CalGal - 4/11/2001 3:15:55 PM

I think it's called a capital offense, right? It means it gets the death penalty, as MsN says, and that usually means that another felony was committed along with the murder. Although killing a cop can do the job, too.

1857. labwabbit - 4/11/2001 3:17:01 PM

Eliminate all convicted capital murderers, pedophiles, neo-nazis, jihad, hezbollah, and all known terrorists.

There goes congress. CAPITOL murder.

1858. vonKreedon - 4/11/2001 3:19:19 PM

I say old chap, well done! A truly capital murder!

1859. Ms. No - 4/11/2001 3:20:06 PM

I thought "OL" was only for the building and "AL" was for everything else. I grew up associating the "O" with the dOme on the building and the "A" with the city name Austin, Capital of Texas.

1860. Jenerator - 4/11/2001 3:21:17 PM

c.m. also involves the element of premeditation.

1861. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 10:11:37 AM

Speaking of post-partum abortions, today's theme is "Who are the multiples among us?" Go ahead and let your paranoia have the freedom it deserves!

1862. Indiana Jones - 4/12/2001 10:23:51 AM

I think jexster and concerned are multiples.

And Ace and Cal.

And FU and Fielding.

And Ms. No, wabbit, and Pelle.

1863. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 10:28:04 AM

Ask Dr. Xavier T. Coaltrain

LOL

1864. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 10:33:29 AM

Thanks Ducks, so what other Motal are you really?

Ace and I are, of course, multiples.

Oops, I guess I better go and delete this post.

1865. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 10:38:40 AM

oh, i thought that was obvious...

i post as JoeZan and Cellar

1866. Indiana Jones - 4/12/2001 10:41:39 AM

My other persona was recently banned, so I'd rather not discuss this subject.

Let's just say, onjay ergusonfay and I get along better in real life than "we" pretend to here.

1867. CalGal - 4/12/2001 10:43:24 AM

I am everybody. This forum is actually a research project funded by the NIMH to discover if schizophrenics with MPD respond to non-psychotropic treatments.

1868. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 10:45:32 AM

Franc-n-Niner and PE are also natural multiples.

Ducks, you can't be Cellar, it is obvious to anyone who isn't a post-partum miscarriage that Cal and Cellar are the same person. The love of movies, the love of men, the incessant posting in whatever thread is currently hot. The clincher is Cellar's current supposed jihad against Cal, a clumsy and obvious dodge to hide the truth.

1869. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 10:47:06 AM

Oooh, Cal, that does make sense and explains everything! But, are we ready for this truth to be revealed? Will there be panic attacks? Should I delete your post for the good of ourselves?

1870. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 10:50:42 AM

well, cellar is a shared moniker if you want to know the truth. she posts the nice stuff, then i love to post screeds against Zan (my right-wing spokespuppet) and have a nice fight with myself.

PE has taught me well.

1871. Indiana Jones - 4/12/2001 11:34:09 AM

Suggestion for tomorrow's title: Ask Dr. Xavier T. Poopstain.

1872. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 11:40:07 AM

Why wait? Carpe Diem!

1873. Jenerator - 4/12/2001 12:18:01 PM

I think that Dr.X is Jon and that Cazart is JadeGold1.

1874. labwabbit - 4/12/2001 1:37:00 PM

jexter is really GBush

1875. labwabbit - 4/12/2001 1:45:27 PM

PP really is just a trained parrot.

1876. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 2:05:27 PM

Jex and Rosie are an obvious schizophrenic multiple, I mean, that's really so obvious that I feel silly saying it.

Of course, given Cal's revelation in Message # 1867, this is all really just elaborate denial so that we/I can continue this game.

1877. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:06:56 PM

Question for Dr. Poopstain:

Who's the black dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?

And a follow up:

Who's the black cat who would never let down his brother-man?

1878. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:12:52 PM

Ace must also be posting as one of the other homo posters. this is obvious to anyone who reads some of his posts in which he lets his guard down.

it isn't me (i swear!) so any guesses which one?

1879. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:15:47 PM

Isn't that just like a homo?

When a homo wants to burn you, he calls YOU a homo.

What's up with that?

Question for Dr. Poopstain:

What the hell is up with these homos? Homos to the left of me, homos to the right, stuck in the middle with queers.

1880. Jenerator - 4/12/2001 2:24:50 PM

Dr. Poopstain,

What do you use on your poopstains? Tide? Wisk?

1881. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:27:18 PM

Another Question from Ace: Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?

1882. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:28:54 PM

whoops wrong image, meant to use this one...

1883. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:30:03 PM

Hahahahaha, Ducky. That's my second-favorite Onion article.

My favorite is, of course, "Bill Gates announces increase in stats to 23 Charisma, 25 Intelligence."

1884. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:30:58 PM

That's my second-favorite Onion article.

And of course it's funny because it's true. Why do all these homosexuals keep sucking my cock? Very perplexing.

1885. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:32:42 PM

BTW, what's Ace listening to lately?

Ace is listening to Duran Duran's cover of Grandmaster Flash's White Lines, over and over. It should still be available on Napster if you want it.

1886. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:33:41 PM

any good homo knows Napster

1887. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:34:18 PM

Any good homo should know that many songs and artists are no longer available on Napster.

1888. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:35:18 PM

Try searching for "Madonna" or "Metallica."

No matching files found!

1889. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:44:49 PM

agreed on the article, Ace

here's some other favs:

Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes

Area Man Experimenting With Homosexuality For Past Eight Years

Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker

and, of course, My Hot, Horny Housewife Has Been Spending An Awful Lot Of Time On The Phone Lately

1890. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 2:45:26 PM

a good homo, such as yourself, knows there are ways around that

1891. bubbaette - 4/12/2001 2:47:02 PM

DAMN THEM!!!! My employer has blocked access to The Onion.

1892. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 2:48:02 PM

"a good homo, such as yourself, knows there are ways around that"

No, I don't. I've heard rumors about programs that translate requests into pig latin, but I don't know where to get them (or even if they exist/work).

And I'm not a homo, Homo.

1893. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:02:27 PM

bubb: that happened to me once, i was most pissed

Ace: ok, i'll stop teasing you

1894. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 3:13:54 PM

You can keep "teasing," homo.

I just want to know how to get around Napster's filters.

1895. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:21:29 PM

you forgot the Mr in front of homo

1896. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 3:22:20 PM

Mr. Homo.

Or is it Ms. Homo?

Who can tell with you people.

1897. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:24:20 PM

generally, when my cock is bigger than yours, a Mister is in order

general rule of thumb

1898. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 3:25:25 PM

Dear, if you are applying a rule of thumb to measuring your cock, then there is little, and I do mean little, hope that I will be calling you Mister. FYI

1899. AceofSpades - 4/12/2001 3:25:35 PM

Cocks, cocks, cocks.

It's all about cock with you people.

1900. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:28:25 PM

vK:

this is Ace i'm talking to - not von 'long schlong' Kreedon

1901. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:28:51 PM

Ace

eh, go with what you know

1902. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:30:13 PM

i thought all us homos knew that, Ace

1903. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 3:47:36 PM

Ducky dear, Oh, quite right, my bad. But do remember, it's not just long, it's also wide.

What is that line that little Wesley Crusher delivers to mean old Kiefer Sutherland in Stand by Me? Something along the lines of, "Suck my big wide one, Ace!" Which little Wes later expands on, "Widest in three counties!"

1904. rubberducky - 4/12/2001 3:52:49 PM

'wider is better' as the TV ads say....

1905. jexster - 4/12/2001 5:32:04 PM

Poopstain's the Name, Lickin Bush is My Game

1906. labwabbit - 4/12/2001 5:58:43 PM

Circle-friends...

1907. Cellar Door - 4/12/2001 6:04:45 PM

"Cocks, cocks, cocks.

It's all about cock with you people."

You'd better believe it!

1908. Cellar Door - 4/12/2001 6:05:38 PM

And now a question for Dr. Poopstain:

How long until Andrew Sullivan's neck explodes?

1909. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 8:31:28 PM

Ace - You pick the theme for Friday and the weekend, ok? I all themed out.

Oh and,

1909. Dr. Xavier T. Poopstain - 4/12/01 11:61:72

The good Doctor has seen the various and sundry questions addressed to him, but none of them impinge upon his deep and varied interests in such a way as to merit a response from his august presence.

1910. Cellar Door - 4/12/2001 9:02:55 PM

Jeez -- what a Party Poopstain!

1911. vonKreedon - 4/12/2001 9:06:32 PM

Every party needs a pooper,
that's why we invited you!
Party Pooper! Party Pooper!

1912. arkymalarky - 4/12/2001 9:30:01 PM

It depresses me to see all the fun I miss while I trudge away at the old grindstone at work every day.

1913. concerned - 4/12/2001 10:01:23 PM

Hey Doc!

Urgent! How do you get a poopstain out of your skivvies?

1914. vonKreedon - 4/13/2001 1:48:27 PM

Since Ace refuses to come up with any of the lame themes of the day I am forced to put the ball back in his court. If he doesn't like being the theme, then he can come up with a different theme.

In the meantime, feel free to creatively make fun of what a lame Ace is as a thread host.

Oh and,

1914. Dr. Xavier T. Poopstain - 4/13/01 11:17:70

The good Doctor notices that there have been several questions regarding the proper method for removing poopstains from ones underwear. The Doctor believes these to be vacuous and childish attempts at humor at the expense of the Doctor's name. As such the Doctor can only recomend increased sphincter discipline.

And if these attempts at humor at the Doctor's expense do not cease the Doctor will be forced to lift his little finger to smite the transgressors. Do not think that your supposed anonymnity protects you from the Doctor's righteous wrath....

What strutting jackbooted martinet of a thread host has taken the Doctor's name off of this thread! Return this thread to me immediately or face the dread consequences of my anger. I do not make this threat in jest, do not provoke me a that Swedish fascist Pelle did, you all saw what I was capable of in dealing with Nilsson! You have been warned!

1915. bubbaette - 4/13/2001 1:55:57 PM

I think that if Ace were a plant, he would be ragweed.

1916. labwabbit - 4/13/2001 2:01:23 PM

...a chicken processing plant.

1917. Jenerator - 4/16/2001 12:19:16 PM

How is one smited by a little finger?

Dr. Coltrane, I challenge you to a duel. After I kick Seadate's butt for being such a tease, but I challenge you nonetheless.

1918. seadate - 4/16/2001 12:26:54 PM

At least I admit it, Jen.

1919. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 1:31:14 PM

Golf shorts look better on Jen...

1920. bubbaette - 4/16/2001 1:42:13 PM

What are golf shorts?

1921. seadate - 4/16/2001 1:45:42 PM

Sunday go-ta-meetin trousers cut off above the knees.

1922. seadate - 4/16/2001 1:47:48 PM

HAHA ... reminds my of the Beverly Hillbillies episode where Jethro and Uncle Jed joined Jimmy Demeret and Leo Derocher (sp!) for a round of golf.

1923. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 1:49:47 PM

What are golf shorts?

...when a shot stops 40 feet in front of the green.

1924. seadate - 4/16/2001 1:55:11 PM

What are golf shorts?

Dumb little golf jokes posted by those most likely to make the banning board.

1925. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 1:58:25 PM

Dumb little golf jokes posted

You mean there are REALLY other kinds of golf shorts?

1926. seadate - 4/16/2001 2:10:17 PM

Lab,

You're catchin' on, bud. See redundancy is a bannable offense.

1928. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:13:17 PM

See redundancy is a bannable offense.

I didn't know redundancy was a bannable offense

1929. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:13:37 PM

How does one achieve redundancy?

1930. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:14:18 PM

When does redundancy become bannable?

1931. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:15:01 PM

What is the threshold definition of redundancy, and who determines it?

1932. seadate - 4/16/2001 2:15:25 PM

Notice #1927 was deleted. hehe

1933. seadate - 4/16/2001 2:17:22 PM

Dumb little golf jokes posted by those most likely to make the banning board.

maybe should read "most likely to be taken under review by the banning bored".

1934. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:17:32 PM

You mean there are REALLY other kinds of golf shorts?

1935. Toenails - 4/16/2001 2:17:34 PM

Gee, you'd think that, eventually, somebody would say something amusing here, just by accident!

1936. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:19:29 PM

Ok toe

"something amusing here, just by accident!

Ya happy now?

1937. seadate - 4/16/2001 2:24:02 PM

Sorry for the lack of amusement, Toe. Easily amused simple minds here.

1938. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:25:13 PM

Ya ...I'm here too.

1939. labwabbit - 4/16/2001 2:58:18 PM

The Seven Dwarfs were sitting in a tub feeling happy.



So Happy got up and left.

1940. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 10:34:35 AM

A sad thread.

How the mighty have fallen.

New title: "The Manly Man's Massage Parlor."

Could this be the infamous Ace screenplay?

Sample:

[Mendo turns to see a shy, blushing girl.]
I'm sorry, I have no gift...

[He places a hand on her shoulder.]

MENDO
Do not be upset. The affection of a lovely woman such as you is more gift than I could--
GIRL #3
So... I'll give you my body.
[She begins to undress.]

MENDO
HUH?! Um, ah, please, I am truly flattered. But this is not the place.
[He leans up close.]
Why don't we have dinner first?

GIRLS
No, Mendo-san! Take my body! Mine! Take mine!

[He turns around. The girls are all undressing.]

MENDO
Uh, heh-heh. Please, ladies, I must ask for restraint! Such adoration is too much for my humble soul to take.
[He turns around and whips a cellular phone out of his jacket.]
[quietly:]
Shutaro to estate! I want the master bedroom ready in ten minutes! Now, ladies, may I--
[The girls are all stark naked.]
Wah-wah-wee-woo-wuh...

GIRLS
MENDO-SAN! PLEASE! WE CAN'T WAIT!
[They advance on him.]

[Mendo looks at his watch.]

MENDO
AH! Look at the time! I'm late for kendo practice! Well, I must be off! Bye!
[He runs.]

GIRLS
MENDO-SAAAAAAAN!
[They run after him.]

[The lizard continues his search for Lum and Ataru. Mendo runs by, chased by screaming naked girls.]

OFFICIAL
My! What a lively planet! I'll have to start taking my vacations here!

1941. vonKreedon - 4/17/2001 1:04:04 PM

Ok, new theme, my thanks to Igor for once again coming through with superb content when all else has failed.

So, manly men, doing masculine things in the company of other men and Page3 girls. Tell tales of guys being guys, which is to say tales of assholes and incompetent jerks...people you know.

1942. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 1:31:20 PM

One thing's for sure. We don't get no stinkin' butt waxins.

At our manly massage parlor we take a break to relieve ourselves of manly gasses before getting a rubdown from either Gunther (we keep our towels on and Gunther--who is blind--touches nothing but between our shoulder blades and does it very roughly or Olga (who is a frisky Swedish skiier who gives full-body massages).

Then it's back to being assholes and incompetent jerks who spend most of their lives in a desperate attempt to appear to be competent jerks and assholes.

1943. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 1:40:55 PM

True story.

This guy (we'll just call him Stan) wanted to get a dog for his three-year-old son, who had never had one. Well, he doesn't know much about dogs, but thinks he'd like a big breed, so he goes to talk to his father-in-law, who has some expertise in this area. The two of them never get along, so Stan thinks this would be a good bonding time for the two of them.

They snort and scratch and spit while Stan tells F-in-Law all about what he's thinking and how cool it's going to be and how he'd appreciate it if F-in-Law recommends a breed. F-in-Law says, "Lemme think on it for a couple of days, Stan, and I'll let you know."

So two days later, Stan comes home from work, and lo and behold, F-in-Law is there with his son playing with a new puppy that F-in-Law has just given the kid. Big breed, too. The kid is happy, mom is happy, F-in-Law is real happy, everybody is happy. Except Stan.

IMO, either F-in-Law was an incompetent jerk or an asshole in this situation. What sayeth the manly council?

1944. vonKreedon - 4/17/2001 1:47:30 PM

I's say the Fing-in-Law is a highly competent asshole.

1945. seadate - 4/17/2001 1:48:45 PM

Stan,

You were an incompetent dumbass to give F-in-Law (a skilled asshole) the go ahead to further exert dominance over your family, household, and basic existence.

1946. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 1:51:29 PM

Well spoken, manly council.

I concur especially with seadate's ass-essment.

1947. bubbaette - 4/17/2001 1:54:11 PM

OK

Question for all you manly men -- why do you need a witness and/or helper to do even the simplest tasks?

1948. seadate - 4/17/2001 1:56:22 PM

So they'll wind up accomplishing these tasks for us while we drink beer and blow farts while watching the game.

1949. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 1:56:27 PM

You want to take this one, vonK?

Or should we both do it?

1950. bubbaette - 4/17/2001 2:14:22 PM

Well......

And while you're at it, why can't you keep track of your own stuff? How the hell am I supposed to know where you left your hammer or whether you have any clean socks?

1951. seadate - 4/17/2001 2:21:11 PM

Skill in shirking responsibility is a critical component of Real Men. It's important that we Men appear responsible and competent, so we utilize those around us (usually women) as our scapegoat with the skill of a corporate manager.

1952. vonKreedon - 4/17/2001 3:07:03 PM

Igor, we'll let Seadate do it.

Bub - Whatever Sea said.

1953. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 3:15:01 PM

While most men are talking about what it takes to be one...real men are talking to their wimmin.

1954. seadate - 4/17/2001 3:28:40 PM

Real Men's wimmin already understand their instructions.

1955. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 3:32:30 PM

heh-heh...

Real men's wimmin,



Bring a friend.

1956. seadate - 4/17/2001 3:35:17 PM

For the LabWabbit, I suggest a strange, but all-too-familiar bird.

1957. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 3:37:19 PM

NO!

Not the parrot.


Oh...heh...dat other one.

1958. seadate - 4/17/2001 3:40:50 PM

Adrianne used the term 'Boob Barnacle' referring to her new baby. Later, one of the guys (can't recall who) stated the obvious ... that we're still boob barnacles.

Question: Does breast feeding (of a boy, of course) increase/decrease the likelihood of the development of a Real Man?

Opinions please.

1959. seadate - 4/17/2001 3:41:40 PM

Lab, definitely not the parrot.

1960. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 3:59:12 PM

sea

Started out a barnicle, lived as a barnacle...will hopefully die one.

Trick is not just sticking to one spot on the rock...


Tell 'er to send pics...haha...don't like green parrots.

1961. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 4:13:03 PM

Alright. In a feeble effort to revive this thread here is a "Manly Misogynist Bad Lyrics Quiz." Rules are: fill in the missing lyric, name the song and group, and--most importantly--give the song a manliness rating. Why this is so important is that otherwise it's nothing but a quiz and should be in the Quiz Thread.

The common theme here is these are all men bitchin' about how they're screwed up because of women. (Well, mebbe not number 2, but close enough.)

1. One day while I was not at home
While she was there and all alone, the angels came
...

2. Through the night, my heart was aching,
just before the dawn was breaking.
I peeked in and on her pillow,
on her pillow lying there
...

3. I couldn't stop so I swerved to the right
I'll never forget the sound that night
The screaming tires the busting glass
...

4. On a dark, flat land she rides
...
With a whirlwind by her side
On a cold Nebraska night

5. He can take you anyplace he wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window pane
...

6. Goin' out to find myself a telephone
Got a pocketful of dimes; I know her last name is Jones
Joneses, Joneses, oh I see, page 19 to 23
...

7. My Woman got tired of the hardships,
Tired of the grief and the strife;
So tired of workin' for nothin',
...

8. They say that women like you can't get enough
Got your Maserati built for two
...
Is that true?

9. Then I heard the guitar player say
...
Then I knew, yes I knew I should run
But then I heard her say, yeah

10. I've been through diamonds
I've been through minks
I've been through it all
...

1962. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 4:13:32 PM

And a special bonus question:

ring me, ring me, ring me up the President
& find out where my baby went
ring me, ring me, ring me up the FBI
...

1963. seadate - 4/17/2001 4:28:53 PM

I'm assuming the Manliness scale is 1-10 with 10 being the most manly.

1.

Lyric: Sometimes I wake at night and call her name
Song: Honey
Artist: Bobby Goldsboro
MR: 1 (wimp)

3.

Lyric: ????
Song: Last Kiss
Artist: Pearl Jam (don't know prev artist)
MR: 5 cause it involved cars and blood and guts

4.

Lyric: ????
Song: Wildfire
Artist: Michael Murphy
MR: 6 cause it's an outdoors kinda song.

1964. seadate - 4/17/2001 4:33:36 PM

9.

Lyric: Vamoose, Jose's on his way
Song: Come A Little Bit Closer
Artist: ???
MR: 9. It would've been a 10 if he would've either taken Jose on or snuck up behind him and popped him with a beer bottle or chair.

1965. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 4:34:24 PM

Yer right Jones...

about the effort.


However, the only manly songs involves live performances of moans, gasps, and yelps...etc.

1966. Cellar Door - 4/17/2001 4:36:35 PM

And now for something TRULY MANLY!

1967. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 4:37:37 PM

lab: I'm just calling the plays here. Somebody has to do some damn blocking and somebody has to run with the ball.

At least seadate's going north to south, if you know what I mean.

So far so good, skipper.

1968. seadate - 4/17/2001 4:44:09 PM

10.

Lyric:
Song: Material World????
Artist: Marilyn Monroe, Madonna
MR: 10.5 cause Marilyn did it.

1969. seadate - 4/17/2001 4:47:20 PM

7.

Lyric:
Song: My Woman, My Wife
Artist: Marty Robbins (and others)
MR: 8 cause he's doin' a damn fine job of sucking up after apparently doing something real bad.

1970. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 4:49:24 PM

I stand corrected from your point.

At least seadate's going north to south, if you know what I mean.

I heard that about him ... but I don't want to believe it.

1971. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 4:52:15 PM

seadate: Wrong on 10, right on the artist for 7, but not the title.

1972. CalGal - 4/17/2001 4:58:52 PM

10. Love Stinks--J Geils

The one about the Maserati is a Manilow song, I think, but not one that I recognize. I just remember hearing him sing the word. Or maybe I dreamed it.

1973. Indiana Jones - 4/17/2001 5:18:42 PM

Cal: Right on 10 and on the right track with 8.

1974. labwabbit - 4/17/2001 9:25:24 PM

"Crime of passion is a phrase that drives me crazy. A man murdering his girlfriend is not a crime of passion. Premature ejaculation-that's a crime of passion."

1975. Indiana Jones - 4/18/2001 8:45:09 AM

Remaining quiz items with hints:

1. Seadate solved it (though his lyric isn't quite right).
Now all I have is memories of Honey

2. Through the night, my heart was aching,
just before the dawn was breaking.
I peeked in and on her pillow,
on her pillow lying there
...

I hate this song. For some reason, they seem to play it around Christmas, but the first time I heard it, I thought it was a parody of some sort it sounded so bad. The black singer is very well known.

3. Seadate scores again. The missing lyric was:
The painful scream that I heard last

4. Seadate. The missing lyric was:
On a pony she named Wildfire

5. He can take you anyplace he wants
To fancy clubs and restaurants
But I can only watch you with
My nose pressed up against the window

The singer is famous for singing about pussy.

6. Goin' out to find myself a telephone
Got a pocketful of dimes; I know her last name is Jones
Joneses, Joneses, oh I see, page 19 to 23
...

Lordy, I can't think of a hint for this song, but it has some of the corniest lines of all time. The singer would have attended Humes High School with Elvis, but he considered an eighth grade education more than enough and dropped out to play the "git-tar" full time.

1976. Indiana Jones - 4/18/2001 8:45:17 AM

7. Marty Robbins was the singer, seadate, but the song was "You Gave Me a Mountain" (I always confuse the two myself). Missing lyric:
Tired of bein' my wife.

8. They say that women like you can't get enough
Got your Maserati built for two
...
Is that true?

Barry Manilow is the singer as Cal guessed.

9. seadate solved, performed by Jay and the Americans.

10. Cal

Bonus question: ring me, ring me, ring me up the President
& find out where my baby went
ring me, ring me, ring me up the FBI
...

Apropos considering recent news.

1977. Indiana Jones - 4/18/2001 8:54:56 AM

Two ways to look at breast feeding and manliness. Not being breastfed would probably make a manchild mean and ornery, which are manly qualities. OTOH, breast-feeding tends to make for strappingness (big manly galoots) and does introduce the subject of breasts to the boy. So speaking as a manly man, I say aye to it.

Wouldn't it be a shame for breasts to be merely decorative appendages?



And while we're on the subject, why are nipples considered some kind of dividing line? After all, they are the most useful portion of the breast. Why does society single them out to be hidden from view?

1978. Indiana Jones - 4/18/2001 8:56:29 AM

I look to be busy today, so my parting thought(?):

What is the most manly song of all time?

Please explain in a short essay why you think so.

My nominee is "My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys" and manly men don't have to explain nothin', dammit.

1979. Webfeet - 4/18/2001 2:30:11 PM

I've been breastfeeding my son CLement now for 13 1/2 months and am confident he will be a sweet, manly galoot if early signs are any indication.

He's a really secure, independent, outgoing baby and exhibits no signs of clinginess when we're at the playground or elsewhere. In fact, he's able to immerse himself completely with other children to the point that he literally forgets about me.

I have heard this echoed by other mothers who breastfeed their sons (who range in age from 15 months to 2 and 1/2) but I offer no scientific data as to whether or not he will grow up to be Fred Rogers or Russell Crowe. Or, in our case, the manliest of the manlies--Gerard Depardieu. OOof.

1980. labwabbit - 4/18/2001 2:32:01 PM

I've been breastfeeding my son CLement now for 13 1/2 months and am confident he will be a sweet, manly galoot if early signs are any indication.


Ahhh...so THAT'S why I turned out the way I did.

1981. Webfeet - 4/18/2001 11:18:39 PM

And we could use more sweet, manly galoots like you, labwabbit.

Actually, I'm going to attend a breastfeeding support group next week on w.14th st. to discuss how to get Clement to stop. Unlike the militants in La Leche League, I'm not going to continue until he hits puberty.

Yet there has to be a gentle, non-traumatic way of discontinuing this. According to my pediatrician the baby becomes "addicted to bonding" and that's why I feel it is so important to learn how to wean or severer as the French aptly call it, correctly.

anyway, im getting out of this thread before someone snaps a jockstrap in my face.

1982. joezan - 4/18/2001 11:22:34 PM

Webbie!

While I'm very glad to see you, I must say I am aghast - no, appalled! - that a woman of your refinement and stature would be seen in a place such as this.

Didn't you read the sign before you came in?

1983. Stumbo - 4/18/2001 11:54:05 PM

My nominee for most manly song: "Jailbreak," AC/DC

"Spotlights... sirens... rifles... firin'...
But he made it out -- with a bullet in his back!"

'Nuff said.

Least manly song performed by a man: the Smiths' entire catalog (tie)

1984. jonesatlaw - 4/19/2001 12:16:43 AM

Manly song- Take your pick from Springsteen's Nebraska album.

1985. jonesatlaw - 4/19/2001 12:38:32 AM

Sorry, I just realized what the most manly song is- The Marine Corps Hymn.

End of discussion, thank you for participating.

1986. Stumbo - 4/19/2001 1:31:54 AM

Are you out of your mind, Jones?

No song bereft of guitar-produced machine-gun sounds should even be fucking considered.

1987. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:22:15 AM

Here's a manly song. I don't know if it can compete with any AC/DC songs, but Another One Bites the Dust seems sorta manly to me.

Even if it is 1) by Queen 2) from the late disco era and 3) written & sung by a homo.

The song does mention machine-guns.

1988. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:24:19 AM

AC/DC produces almost nothing but manly songs. Hell's Bells, Have a Drink on Me, You Shook Me, Dirty Deeds, Big Balls. All very manly. Very raw. Criminal music.

1989. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:25:11 AM

Back in Black, of course.

Etc. There's no point naming each song, because then you have to name ALL the songs.

1990. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:26:43 AM

Judas Priest is another homo-fronted band that produces a lot of manly songs.

1991. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:27:37 AM

Breakin' the Law, Turbo Lover. A bunch more I've forgotten.

1992. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:27:54 AM

Didn't they do "Pimpin' for the Millenial"?

1993. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:30:05 AM

"Pimpin' for the Millenial" is a good song.

1994. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:33:07 AM

"You've Got another Thing Comin'," of course. A classic.

1995. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:34:36 AM

I wonder if the Judas Priest guys went to Art College. Just about every British rocker did. The Stones, Queen, even the Beatles (I think).

1996. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:41:27 AM

Name that manly guitar rifff

Brerrnt, brr-brr-brerrrnt, brr-brr-brerrrnt
(breeng-breeng-breengawdle-breeng)
Brerrnt, brr-brr-brerrrnt, brr-brr-brerrrnt
BRRW-BRWW-BRW-BRW-BRW-BRW

1997. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:46:12 AM

One hint: It is not "Pimpin' for the Millenial."

1998. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:52:15 AM

Although Pimpin' for the Millenial has a cool riff too.

1999. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:52:55 AM

Brrrrt, brrrt, bb-bb-brrrrt

2000. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:53:06 AM

uncontested

2001. joezan - 4/19/2001 7:55:10 AM

Well, my favorite Manly song is the much more subtle (and much older) Lightning Strikes, by Lou Christie.

Basically, he tells his gf, Baby, you're a woman, and I'm a man - with all the attendant privileges. I can't help it if chicks dig me - and my Manliness does not allow me the option of not reciprocating.

...but you are my favorite. As such, I promise that when I am done fooling around, I will settle down with you - as long as you never let another guy touch you.

Ok?

Beautiful song, deceptively sung in a high falsetto. The chicks loved it.

2002. Dusty - 4/19/2001 7:57:58 AM

Ballad of the Green Berets

2003. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 8:02:14 AM

Extreme's Rest in Peace has a manly guitar line.

Then again, the main lyric is "Make love, not war" (albeit followed by "...seems so absurd to me").

2004. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 8:03:10 AM

Eh. Not a manly song at all. But still, the guitar is cool.

2005. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 8:09:48 AM

Van Halen's "Ice Cream Man" is pretty manly. So's Beautiful Girls. So's half their pre-Sammy Hagar catalogue.

2006. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 8:26:39 AM

Waylon and Willie wrote the book on manly lyrics.

Waylon:

Beautiful lady are you sure that you understand
The chances you're taking loving a free-living man
Are you really sure you really want what you see
Be careful of something that's just what you want it to be

I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane
Nobody knows if it's something to bless or to blame
So far I ain't found a rhyme or a reason to change
I've always been crazy but it's kept me from going insane.

Willie:

I grew up dreaming of being a cowboy
And loving the cowboy ways.
Pursuing the life of my high riding heroes
I burned up my childhood days.
I learned all the rules of a modern day drifter
Don't you hold on to nothing too long
Just take what you need from the ladies and leave them
With the words of a sad country song.

Cowboys are special with their own brand of misery
From being alone too long.
You could die from the cold in the arms of a nightmare
Knowing well that your best days are gone
Picking up hookers instead of my pen
I let the words of my youth fade away.
Old worn out saddles and old worn out memories
With no one and no place to stay.

CHORUS
My heroes have always been cowboys
And they still are it seems
Sadly in search of and one step in back of
Themselves and their slow moving dreams.

...But the Marine Corps Hymn is a pretty good nomination too.

2007. seadate - 4/19/2001 10:06:34 AM

I'm with Dusty. Battle of the Green Berets.

2008. seadate - 4/19/2001 10:08:39 AM

Although anything by ZZ Top works.

2009. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 11:18:13 AM

Lyrics to Ballad of the Green Berets

2010. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 11:30:44 AM

To put down and mercifully end the suffering of my quiz:

2. Lovely ribbons, scarlet ribbons, scarlet ribbons for her hair.
"Scarlet Ribbons"
Johnny Mathis

A song about a woman's hair fashion accessory (and sung in an envious way) is not very manly.

5. I, I who have nothing
(Lyric and title)
Tom Jones

Welsh coalminer and women throw their panties at him. Definitely manly, but pressing his nose up against the window rather than smashing it and killing everybody in the restaurant causes it to lose a notch.

6. Big big world can be unkind
The phone just took my last dime
"Big Big World"
Johnny Burnett

Clumsy, big, and stupid enough to be manly, but kinda whingy. Medium to low manliness.

8. They say that women like you like to play with love
"Some Kind of Friend"
Barry Manilow

Anything sung by Barry Manilow cannot by definition be manly. Remember, Mandy was about a pet dog--not even a hunting dog.

Bonus question:
& find out if my babe's alive
"The KKK Took My Baby Away"
Ramones

We won't rate this one for manliness due to the "Roberto Clemente" effect of Joey Ramone's recent passing.

2011. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 1:16:15 PM

Who's more manly?

Steven Segal
Chuck Norris
Arnold
Sylvester Stallone
Jean-Claude VanDamme
Chow Yung Phat (sp?)
Vladimir Putin
Jesse Ventura

2012. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 1:22:13 PM

Tough, tough question.

Steven Segal is pretty damn manly, but I don't like him.

Chuck Norris thinks he's manly, and I guess he is, but he just strikes me as a faker. Like David Hasselhoff with chest hair and a cowboy hat.

Arnold: Has bouts of uber manliness, but then he did make that one film where he got preggers.

Sylvester Stallone: Faker. Bridgett Nielsen wore the pants in that family.

Jean-Claude VanDamme: Sorry, he's a Frenchy with nice hair.

Chow Yung Phat: Don't know enough about him to judge.

Vladimir Putin: I could take him. Not manly. Nerdy and creepy. Bet he owns a cat.

Jesse Ventura: Except for that feather boa and writing a tell-all book, manly.

2013. seadate - 4/19/2001 1:26:31 PM

Cross out the following:

Steven Segal - NOT a real man. He makes every effort on-screen and off to parade for a Politically Correct cause. Real Men are their own person .... SS isn't.

Stallone - short man's complex.

2014. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 1:29:28 PM

Good, thorough answers Indiana.


Jesse, Arnold, and Steven are the only quasi manly ones.

So, if you were trapped in enemy territory with the occasional hottie thrown your way, which manly man would you want as your liberator?

2015. seadate - 4/19/2001 1:31:33 PM

Chuck Norris - Real Man. A RL BMF.

2016. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 1:33:17 PM

I'd fight my own way out, dammit.

"Liberator," my eye. The only liberating I'd need is the occasional hottie liberating me from my trousers.

But I'd take Ventura by my side, hands down.

2017. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 1:34:15 PM

seadate: I do give Norris credit for obviously being too manly to go to acting school.

2018. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 1:49:06 PM

Today's page 3 installment:

2019. vonKreedon - 4/19/2001 2:04:42 PM

Jen -

Steven Segal - Manly in that his range of expression is limited to the scowl and he makes his living being seen to kill people with his bare hands. Also, he is very large.
Chuck Norris - Same as Segal, but older and needs to move on to the wise mentoring manly man and stop with trying to be the young tough.
Arnold - Foreign and former exhibition body sculpture, sorry, real men don't oil their bodies and strike poses on a stage while wearing speedos
Sylvester Stallone - Faker, poseur, that Rocky and Cliff Hanger shit was too unbelivable.
Jean-Claude VanDamme - Foreign with French-like accent and attempts to expand range of expression to less manly faces as surprise, momentary fear, and grief. Nice legs though.
Chow Yung Phat (sp?) - Foreign, but has a flair for killing people with his bare hands and of course the requisite asiatic inscutableness.
Vladimir Putin - Highly manly, doesn't kill people with his bare hands, though he could as he has a black belt in judo, but this is a real life manly man; you never know if he likes you or if he's going to have Ivan and Igor kill you after you leave. Real modern delegate when convinient.
Jesse Ventura - He is large and prone to scowling, but he is also articulate and known to wear a feather boa, the jury is still out.

2020. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 3:59:41 PM

Okay, so guys, if you're trapped in Cambodia with an alien chasing you (and who is a karate expert), which one would be the most likely manly man to help you?

Jesse Ventura or Steven Segal??

2021. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:03:14 PM

Webfeet Message # 1981

You are too kind...as always.
And as always, it is very good to see you here once again.

2022. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:05:30 PM

labwabbit,

Reading Webfeet always makes my day, but I must know, if a karate chopping alien is chasing you through remote Cambodia, which manly man are you gonna call?

2023. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:06:46 PM

Jen, sweetie you still don't understand. The Mr. Colt is the correct answer.

2024. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:10:47 PM

Seadate,

Chuck Norris?? I thought that Segal was further along in jujitsu than he (Norris) was in tae kwan do? Isn't Segal like a 15th degree master and Norris only a blackbelt?

And besides, Segal puts on a stare like no one else except for Croccodile Dundee.

2025. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:14:50 PM

None...


If someone is shaking to take me...they'd better have a plan. Cause if I'm to go down I'll go down like a man. I won't go down screamin, begging or pleadin'... I'll be swinging and swearin', shootin' and sneerin'.

Never ran from a fight...not about to start. Better to die with blood on my knuckles than to live my balls on someone's mantle.

2026. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:15:15 PM

Steven Segal - an asshole, but probably a good fighter, and apparently willing to do so

Chuck Norris -- very tough. A real karate champion. He sucks as an actor, but that, remember, is acting. Eddie Murphy can act like he can kick your ass. Chuck Norris could actually do it.

Arnold - real man. Ass-kicking abilities probably fairly limited. But has incredible drive, confidence, business acumen and political smarts.

Sylvester Stallone - Less of a real man, but see above. Must give him kudos for writing a blockbuster ("Rocky") and then forcing the studios to star him in it.

Jean-Claude VanDamme - Frency fuck. Had jaw busted by a Hell's Angel in a strip bar. One bunch and he was three blocks north of Queer Street. Plus, addicted to coke apparently. Real men don't get addicted to drugs.

Chow Yung Fat - Can't speak English. Difficult to evaluate.

Vladimir Putin - dipshit Russkie.

Jesse Ventura - Big and a former Navy Seal. Could certainly kick a great qunatity of ass. Real man, though a fucking moron.

2027. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:17:04 PM

Jen,

Chuck Norris is a former multi-World Champion. He was the highest paid and most highly sought karate instructor before he got acting gigs (courtesy, of course, of Bruce Lee).

2028. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:18:45 PM

Jen,

Chuck Norris trained with Bruce Lee. 15th degree??? what does that mean? I think it makes him a genuine "belt queer"... Good grief, Elvis had a black belt. Idi Amin had a chest full of medals. So what.

2029. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:19:19 PM

labwabbit,

While I appreciate your manly sentiment of wanting to fight and die on your own, real men aren't intimidated by ass-kicking manly accomplices.

2030. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:22:34 PM

sea,

Though I dislike Steven Seagal intensely, I get the feeling he could actually kick some ass. He's lied about his resume (or at least it seems he may have), but he did teach akkido in Japan, right? So, he's got to be good at it.

2031. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:22:43 PM

Well, if Elvis had a black belt and so does Norris, what does *that* mean? I

thought that Segal had mastered jujitsu.(?) In other words, he is as respected in that particular style of fighting, as was Lee in his style. (Just guessing here) PLUS, I've heard that Segal is a CIA trained special shooter/sniper.

Ace, I need your help on this.

2032. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:24:28 PM

Jen

Not intimidated. Principally inclined.

I've quite a rep for upholding that philosophy...but if I were to answer it would be:

G Pierce
T W Worthing
B M Marcoux

These guys could really kick ass when it counted...and that's when you really needed them.

2033. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:25:38 PM

Navy Seals (as well as other special forces units) are ultimate manly men.


Having read the base requirements for what it takes to be a SEAL (Ventura), I'm impressed.

Green Berets
Navy SEALS
SAS
GIGN
Sayeret Matkal
Spetsnaz

They're all bad-asses.

2034. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:26:34 PM

"Well, if Elvis had a black belt and so does Norris, what does *that* mean?"

That Elvis bought his black belt. Besides, a black belt is, relatively speaking, a minor achievement. Asians laugh at us for thinking a "black belt" means mastery. It means mastery of the basics and the beginning of serious study.

I like seadate's "belt queer" line.

"I thought that Segal had mastered jujitsu.(?)"

Akkido.

"In other words, he is as respected in that particular style of fighting, as was Lee in his style. (Just guessing here)"

I think he's legit.

"PLUS, I've heard that Segal is a CIA trained special shooter/sniper. "

I didn't hear "sniper," but I know he's claimed some sort of history as a CIA agent. This is the part of his resume that everyone believes he made up out of whole cloth.

2035. Wombat - 4/19/2001 4:26:56 PM

Van Damme is Belgian.

Putin likes little pouffy dogs.

2036. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:28:03 PM

"pouffy dogs"???

2037. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:28:22 PM

labwabbit,

What are those three going to do except circumnavigate the globe and build rockets while you're dying to an alien?

2038. Wombat - 4/19/2001 4:30:16 PM

Yorkies, bichon frises, pekinese; the kind of dog an "manly" man would punt across a room.

2039. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:30:20 PM

I already faced the "alien" and almost in the area you mention...

...and I'm alive today directly because of those guys.

2040. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:32:52 PM

wombat,

My husband has a 25 pound chihuahua and she wears a camoflauge handkerchief.

Uh, oh....



labwabbit,

Well, okay. If you put it like that!

2041. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:33:17 PM

Yorkies, bichon frises, pekinese; the kind of dog an "manly" man would punt across a room.


Ahh, I understand...


bait.

2042. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:33:50 PM

The *DOG* wears the handkerchief, in case you were wondering.

2043. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:34:10 PM

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

2044. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:35:20 PM

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

2045. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:35:32 PM

Belgian? Even worse than French.

Putin probably sits at the table and pets a pouffy dog while plotting his next Blofield-like move.

Though..."Vladimir" is a damn manly name (for foreign). And "Vladimir Putin" reminds me of "Rasputin."

Subquery: Was Rasputin manly or not? Monks don't seem very manly--especially if they wear skirts. But he was big into orgies and women and power, and it took a helluva lot to bring him down--including at least one homosexual.

2046. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:35:51 PM

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?"

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up.

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

2047. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:36:00 PM

I doubt that CIA agent material lusts for popularity and the public eye. Segal's largely a fraud, imo .... I thought it was spelled *Aikido*, but whether or not he's accomplished in the art, I'd employ Mr. Colt to wind up on top.

Jen,

Rumor has it that no one ever awarded Bruce Lee a Black Belt.

Badass stares are cheap. Real Men got over being intimidated by Badass stares, when Cashius (sp?) Clay sent Sonny Liston and his badass stare into lala land.

2048. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:36:07 PM

Jen,

Sorry just read back...sorry about losing the context of things. I dropped in and responded to Webbie and just jumped in...

You put a hankerchief on your dog. Oh the humility it must suffer. (No wonder Chihuahua have such inferiority complexes..hehe)

2049. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:38:11 PM

Badass stares are cheap. Real Men got over being intimidated by Badass stares, when Cashius (sp?) Clay sent Sonny Liston and his badass stare into lala land.

I got over bad-ass stares when it meant I was going to get my bad-ass eyes closed up anyway.

2050. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:38:24 PM

Testosterone is indeed a terrible thing. Like war: "It is well testosterone is so horrible, or men would grow to love it too much."

2051. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:38:24 PM

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.


My bra fits, so I don't "adjust" my friends in public. I think y'all do it out of pure habit.

Indiana,

Rasputin was too waifishly, ghoulishly ugly to be manly.

2052. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:40:54 PM

labwabbit,

"Taffy" wears camo, because she's the Incredible Hulk of chihuahua-dom.

2053. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:41:27 PM

My bra fits, so I don't "adjust" my friends in public. I think y'all do it out of pure habit.

When you sit with your legs crossed Jen, the right over the left....after about 15 minutes you have to switch sides or change position right?

Do you do this in public?

Ok...know you understand that you have only TWO legs to "adjust"

2054. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 4:42:05 PM

"now"

2055. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:42:38 PM

Seadate,

I hear what you're saying. Btw, did you know that Walker, Texas Ranger is filmed in Garland, Texas? I've seen him around quite a bit.


P.s. Veterans and enlisted men are manly.

2056. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:43:18 PM

Jen: I beg to differ. Good looks have nothing to do with being manly.

Charles Bronson versus Leonardo Dicaprio.

I rest my case.

2057. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:46:21 PM

It's either me adjust my friend or ask someone else to do it, and I usually get in trouble when I do the latter.

Unlike a breast, my friend is not a stationary creature. He's always scoping out the territory and limbering up just in case he's needed.

2058. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:46:32 PM

Jen, I agree wrt Vets and enlisted Men.

Ballad of the Green Berets was performed by SSgt.

2059. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:47:59 PM

All of this talk is going to make me go home and watch "RoadHouse".

Oh, something a little weird I have to deal with and be manly about...Tomorrow is 4-20-91. Hitler's birthday, National Get Stoned Day, and the anniversary of the Columbine shooting.

We are on lockdown alert for the whole day. I have had to be trained on how to handle a hostile situation and have been informed where the snipers will be for tomorrow.

All in a day's work at a public school.

2060. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:49:37 PM

DIFD?

2061. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:50:31 PM

I meant ... DISD?

2062. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:50:32 PM

Which of the following characters is manliest, and why?

Batman
Superman
Spiderman
James Bond
Robocop
The Terminator, version 1 or 2
Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn from The Terminator)
The T-1000
Indiana Jones
Hudson (Michael Biehn from Aliens)
Captain Kirk
Worf
Luke Skywalker
Han Solo
Chewbacca
Darth Vader

2063. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:51:09 PM

Snipers?

2064. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:52:03 PM

Anybody who picks Captain Kirk is a Star Geek and Probly won't get any of the answers right.

2065. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:52:24 PM

I think Batman's actually the manliest. He's not the toughest, but he's tough only because of his willpower and drive.

Robocop, James Bond, and Captain Kirk are Honorable Mentions.

2066. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 4:53:46 PM

Eh... James Bond hasn't been really manly for twenty-five years. Scratch him.

2067. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:55:03 PM

Sedate,

I don't know about DISD, I'm further northeast.


Ace,

2068. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:55:46 PM

SeAdate.

Sorry about that.

2069. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 4:56:04 PM

My top four:
Indiana Jones (natch)
Superman
Han Solo
James Bond

Runners up:
Darth Vader
Captain Kirk
Batman

2070. seadate - 4/19/2001 4:56:05 PM

Batman
Superman
Spiderman
Indiana Jones

All implied

James Bond - even if you disagree, you've got to admit that any guy who get's laid this much deserves serious consideration.


Robocop isn't a real person like the others, so he can't be a Real Man.

2071. Jenerator - 4/19/2001 4:56:29 PM

Sorry about the margins, but the pic was too good.

Goodnight all.

2072. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:00:03 PM

I don't go for including the non-humans, but Superman for all practical purposes is human. And his character is absolutely manly: Lives in a Fortress of Solitude, never has to bathe or shave or cut his hair, wears the same suit all the time, humors Lois while winking at us, never tells his girlfriends anything.

His name says it all: Super...man.

2073. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:00:07 PM

Superman -- Not a man.

Spiderman -- "Vulnerable." "Self-doubting." Scratch him.

James Bond -- A bit too much the ostentatious gourmand.

Robocop -- Runner up. Very manly. The ideal man-- Armor, a big gun, and no "feelings."

The Terminator, version 1 or 2 -- Not a man.

Kyle Reese (Michael Biehn from The Terminator) -- Dragged by a chick after being wounded. Also, far too "in love" with a single chick. Not a pussy, but not an all-star, either.

The T-1000 -- Not a man. Still, pretty manly.

2074. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:00:14 PM

Indiana Jones -- cool, but not quite tough enough or silent enough to be a contender. Also, he calls himself a "very cautious fellow" in the beginning of Raiders. Anyone who refers to himself as a "fellow" gets docked big points.

Hudson (Michael Biehn from Aliens) -- Once again, saved by a chick.

Captain Kirk -- Third place. Gets lots of tail, sits in the Big Chair and tells a woman what to put on the Big Television.

Worf -- Not a man. Also, a bit of joke.

Luke Skywalker -- Ehhhh... uses "magic," which isn't manly.

Han Solo -- Started out manly, but became the comic relief in Jedi.

Chewbacca -- not a man.

Darth Vader -- "Seduced" by the Dark side. Real men don't get "seduced." Either they want to fuck or they don't.

2075. ElliottRW - 4/19/2001 5:01:15 PM

Chewbacca: strong, silent, capable, devoted to his friends, does whatever the hell he feels like.

2076. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:03:19 PM

Then Chewbacca's the perfect pet.

2077. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:03:30 PM

I just watched Diamonds Are Forever and I'm thinking about the real (Sean Connery) James Bond, not the namby-pamby they've been foisting on us for years.

Scratch Darth Vader from my list. Too much machinery involved and he wimped out at the last. But I wanted a villain in there.

Captain Kirk would rate hire if not for all of Shatner's gesticulating and histrionics.

And when discussing manly characters, let's not forget Matt Dillon.

2078. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:05:13 PM

Darth Vader also says things like "What is thy bidding, my Master?" which isn't too manly.

2079. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:05:39 PM

The Marshall of course.

2080. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:06:15 PM

Batman is sure up there for the reason Ace named. The pre-Robin Batman contends for the top spot.

2081. ElliottRW - 4/19/2001 5:07:08 PM

Seadate: the perfect pet doesn't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they lose at chess.

2082. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:08:10 PM

"Seadate: the perfect pet doesn't rip people's arms out of their sockets when they lose at chess."

Depends on whose arm. If it's someone I don't like, it's a plus.

2083. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:08:33 PM

Good point, Elliot.

2084. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:09:03 PM

Vader was manly for I and II. Not very manly in III.

I remember one episode of Gunsmoke where Dillon was having to be carted around on a train because somebody had shot him. The other folks could barely even lift the guy to put him on a stretcher. Even practically paralyzed and near death's door, he wound up making all the bad guys eat lead before the episode was over.

2085. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:10:11 PM

Indy...

Oooooh, the Robin factor.

Uh oh.

That might be an automatic disqualification.

British butler Alfred and "Youthful Ward" Dick Grayson...

This is like when they took Vanessa Williams' Miss America title away when the dirty pictures came out.

But I think...

Batman just lost the title. RoboCop moves up into first place, Captain Kirk to second, Indiana Jones to third.

2086. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:13:23 PM

That's a shame. There are "performance-enhancing" rumors re RoboCop.

2087. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:15:42 PM

The guy is dead, Indy. Cut him some slack.

Any guy who gets shot in the head, dies, and then comes back to kick ass is fucking manly in my book.

2088. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:18:34 PM

I can see the headlines - "Viagra Overdose Initiates Chain Reaction". Oh, that wasn't Robocop, that was the Incredible Hulk.

2089. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:22:36 PM

Well, Ace, it's your list, but I see too much machine quotient in RoboCop.

Marvel didn't have too many manly heroes:

Tony Stark: Rip-off of Batman, plus he had heart problems.

The Hulk: Disqualified because of green skin and general subhuman intelligence.

The Thing: Disqualified for having brick skin, but unlike the Hulk, he at least bagged a babe or two.

Who's left? The Silver Surfer? Please.

Thor wasn't too bad, despite having long golden hair, until they started making him talk like he was quoting the King James Bible.

I can't think of a manly Marvel hero, except for maybe Captain America, and they stole him from the 40s. Plus he, too, has the "Robin" problem.

Somebody help me out here? Were there any manly Marvel heroes?

(Smacks head.) Sergeant Fury!

2090. Stumbo - 4/19/2001 5:22:54 PM

Follow-up to yesterday's question...

Most manly song performed by a woman: "High-School Confidential," Rough Trade

2091. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:26:01 PM

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot", Pat Benatar

2092. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:26:47 PM

"Hit Me With Your Best Shot," Pat Benetar.

Just throwing that out, though, because I can't think of a killer nominee.

2093. Stumbo - 4/19/2001 5:27:17 PM

Whoa.

2094. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:27:33 PM

Manliness Rating (MR), broken down by Toughness, Ass-Kicking ability, Tail-getting ability:


Superman -- M: 19+ T: 8 AK: 10+ TGA: 1
(took him fifty years to bag Lois Lane; never took advantage of all the Alien Princesses and Jungle Sorceresses who wanted to screw him)

Spiderman -- MR 17 T: 5 AKA: 10 TGA: 2

James Bond -- MR 21 T: 6 AKA: 5 TGA: 10

Robocop -- MR 23 T: 10 AKA: 10 TGA: 3
(TGA of "3" based on fact that, being a robot, he doesn't even *want* tail, which frees him up for additional ass-kicking)

Kyle Reese -- MR 14 T: 7 AKA: 3 TGA: 4

Indiana Jones -- MR 20 T: 7 AKA: 6 TGA: 7

Captain Kirk -- MR 18 T: 6 AKA: 4 TGA: 8

Luke Skywalker -- MR 14 T: 5 AKA: 8 TGA: 1
(only chick he ever even hit on was his friggin' sister)

Han Solo -- MR 15 T: 5 AKA: 5 TGA: 5
(could probably get tail, but only nailed one we know of. Gets a "5" because she's a Princess.)

2095. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:30:18 PM

Batman -- MR 21* T: 10 AKA: 8 TGA: 8
* Five-point "Robin Deduction"

2096. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:31:03 PM

I'm sure Han was getting women before we knew about it, but then they may have named him Han Solo for a reason.

Superman is being unduly penalized for the ethos in which he lived. If Robocop can be excused and get a 3, then Superman should too.

At least Superman still has a functioning unit, which I'm not so sure about Robocop.

2097. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:33:52 PM

I also think Superman should be awarded at least one point in the Tail-Getting category for having X-Ray vision.

2098. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:35:09 PM

...which he never uses to check out chicks.

He's lucky he gets one TGA point.

2099. PelleNilsson - 4/19/2001 5:36:09 PM

Why isn't Crocodile Dundee under consideration?

2100. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:37:09 PM

Wrong Ace, Superman checked out Lois in the first movie.

2101. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:38:26 PM

Croc

MR 22 T: 10 AKA: 8 TGA: 9

2102. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:39:04 PM

He checked her lungs for cancer, and he checked her panty color (not her bush) because she asked him about it.

Look, the guy doesn't get tail. It's that simple. In fifty plus years of comics, he's only screwed one woman, and only after he married her.

That's gentlemanly and everything, but come on.

2103. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:39:54 PM

Croc has an Ass-Kicking Ability equal to Luke Skywalker's and higher than James Bond's?

Come now.

2104. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:40:41 PM

Croc

MR 11 T: 4 AKA: 3 TGA: 4

Shouldn't even be on the list.

2105. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:41:01 PM

Hmmm...

Okay, but if I could be any of them, I'd opt for Superman.

And remedy that situation post haste.

2106. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:41:20 PM

So Superman's super-powers may have been largely attributed to testosterone buildup.

2107. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:43:11 PM

The problem with that theory seadate is this business about "not taking a life."

If Superman had that much testosterone built up, Lex Luthor would be lying in little pieces all throughout the galaxy.

2108. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 5:43:55 PM

Hence, the Fortress of Solitude.

2109. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:46:17 PM

I'd be Superman, too. But still, his utter failure to score any tail whatsoever (despite his almost certain ability to do so if he tried) brings his MR way down.

2110. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:46:25 PM

I've learned so much today about comic book and extra-terrestrial-tyoe movie characters!

2111. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:46:38 PM

type

2112. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:49:31 PM

Dundee would fare well, I think against Batman, less a utility belt, or Superman, with a chunk of kryptonite, or Spiderman (if he can kick a crocodile's ass, he can certainly handle an insect).

2113. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:55:43 PM

You're making a mockery of this discussion.

(irony off)

Crocodile Dundee. Give me a break.

Dirty Harry MR 18
T: 6 AKA: 5 TGA: 7

2114. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 5:57:34 PM

Bluto from Animal House MR 8
T: 3* AKA: 1** TGA: 4***
*Can drink a lot.
** No serious AKA.
*** Nailed the hot debutante.

2115. seadate - 4/19/2001 5:59:44 PM

Dirty Harry learned his craft from The Outlaw Josey Wales.

2116. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 6:00:25 PM

seadate
Real men read the comics.

Any racing happening this week?

2117. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 6:02:09 PM

Otter MR 11
T: 2* AKA: 2** TGA: 7
*Did not cry when beat up by six guys. Immediately began plotting violent revenge.
** Can knock a man out with one punch, which should rate a 2. Even if it was a sucker-punch.

Boone MR 5
T: 1 AKA: 1 TGA: 3
Pussy.

Flounder MR Below Zero
T: n/a AKA: n/a TGA: n/a
Unrelatable. Stone cold pussy shit.

2118. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 6:02:59 PM

"Unratable," I meant.

2119. seadate - 4/19/2001 6:04:20 PM

Lab,

I was normally outside when younger. Raced last night. Made a bad decision on one upwind leg. Took 4th out of 7. Every Wednesday through September.

2120. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 6:06:07 PM

Josey Wales...Now that was a man's man character.

2121. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 6:06:57 PM

Ya...that's what I meant ... outside reading the comics. heh.

2122. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 6:08:44 PM

Sorry, I need to make an adjustment:

Otter MR 14*
T: 2 AKA: 2 TGA: 7

* Total MR bumped up by three points for the "Vaughan Liebowitz Factor" and for the "Nailing the Dean's Wife Escalator."

2123. labwabbit - 4/19/2001 6:13:12 PM

sea

Bad break.

Spent 2 hours last night at dusk out in Clarence Strait replacing a snapped drive belt on the BL. Easy job in principle...very difficult to reach made even more so by 3-4' seas.

Had to radar back to the dock.

2124. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 6:26:08 PM

Finally (I swear), Clint Eastwood & related characters:

The Outlaw Josey Wales MR 17
T: 6 AKA: 5 TGA: 6

The High Plains Drifter MR 24
T: 10* AKA: 6 TGA: 8
*Already Dead. Cannot be killed.

"The Good" (aka The Man with No Name, Blondie) MR 21
T: 6 AKA: 7 TGA: 8


"The Bad" (aka Angeleyes) MR 14
T: 5 AKA: 6 TGA: 3

"The Ugly" (aka Tuco) MR 13
T: 5 AKA: 6 TGA: 2

2125. Indiana Jones - 4/19/2001 6:42:49 PM

I cannot believe that Superman has less tail-getting ability than these other losers (including "The Ugly" and Boone from Animal House).

Lana Lang. Lois Lane. Lori Lemaris the Mermaid (or whatever her name was). Lyla from Krypton. Lyrica Lloyd (actress), Maxima (an alien chick), Sally Selwin (red kryptonite affair), and Luma Lynai (fixed up with by Supergirl).

By the way Ace measures, Donald Trump has more tail-getting ability--even if he pays for it. Superman just had morals. Besides, they used to have the Comics Code, you know. Otherwise, Superman would have been fooling around with all the Justice League women like Wonder Woman and probably even the the Legion of Superhero chicks like Saturn Girl.

2126. concerned - 4/19/2001 6:45:04 PM

Lana Lang. My adolescent fave!

2127. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:14:09 PM

I cannot believe that Superman has less tail-getting ability than these other losers (including "The Ugly" and Boone from Animal House).

"The Ugly" could get tail. Some tail. He would get some tail based on animal attraction.

Boone had Karen Allen, who was very cute. And it didn't take him 50 years to get her.

Superman gets no tail. It doesn't matter if he's handsome and maybe COULD get tail; the fact remains, he does not.

2128. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:15:40 PM

"By the way Ace measures, Donald Trump has more tail-getting ability--"

Of course he does. Donald Trump has a TGA of 6 or 7.

See-- Donald Trump gets tail.

2129. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:17:29 PM

Indy:

*Maybe* Boone has an Ass-Kicking Ability of 10+, equal to Superman's. Maybe we just never see it. Maybe he can kick Dirty Harry's ass, but we just never see him do it.

But we can only go by the record. And the record is "No Tail."

2130. AceofSpades - 4/19/2001 7:18:56 PM

These numbers are all extremely accurate and have been certified by an independent accounting house.

They are correct.

The only numbers that are a bit hinky are RoboCop's. I deliberately overrated RoboCop on AKA to bump him to the top of the list.

2131. jonesatlaw - 4/19/2001 11:09:48 PM

Chuck Norris is underrated as a martial artist by most folk here. Norris was known as "Superfoot" in the circuit, and did some ass kicking IRL against lots of folk who knew their business.

However, I'll take just about any Navy Seal over flashy martial artist. You can assume that any seal is fairly competent in hand to hand combat, plus they are capable in use of weaponry, tactics, guts and the sort of essentials that one would need to keep ones ass out of the fire.

You want to talk serious manlyness? Bob Kerry. Congressional medal of honor winner, independant minded senator, well established history of wooing and winning beautiful, intelligent and interesting women, walked out of the senate on his own terms, and still is a plausible candidate for POTUS in the next election.

Even now, he'd probably take his bad leg of and beat most of the hollywood list to death with it.

2132. ElliottRW - 4/20/2001 9:19:59 AM

jones,

Kerry, eh? An great guy, no doubt, but hardly a throwback to the golden age of male dominance. Far too liberated. I don't think you're taking this thread seriously enough. This thread is all about men so bad that they can abuse women (figuratively; physical abuse is unmanly by any standard) and get away with it. Kerry is husband material.

2133. rubberducky - 4/20/2001 10:18:33 AM

the comics code is still very much around, IJ. altho, it's only really followed by DC & Marvel (and maybe Archie) these days. mostly, it's for magazine stand type comics and not the books found in comic book specialty stores which have the more 'adult' orientated material.

and jesus, this thread gets more unreadable by the day!

2134. ElliottRW - 4/20/2001 10:46:42 AM

I recommend that all regular readers of this thread listen to the song Man (Opposable Thumb) by the Presidents of the United States.

2135. jexster - 4/20/2001 1:00:05 PM

This is a great, great thread... FOR ME TO POOP ON!!!

2136. jexster - 4/20/2001 1:02:13 PM

San Francisco -- Bra Ball, The Sequel, a nearly 1,200-pound mammoth art installation made of 14,000 bras, appeared on the sidewalk in front of San Francisco's Pier 23 Cafe Monday morning. "Gross," said a little girl who pulled up to it on her scooter. "Unique is the first word that comes to mind," said David Franklin, who stumbled upon the colorful five-foot-diameter ball on his way to work

How many did you contribute scumbucket?

2137. labwabbit - 4/20/2001 1:28:49 PM

Hey Jones...

How's the "on-duty" massagist for today?

2138. labwabbit - 4/20/2001 1:45:58 PM

The average man's life consists of twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going; forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too!

2139. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:15:58 PM

The Political DISCUSSIONS thread is now open for business.

No spam. No links or quotes of articles WHATSOEVER, unless such articles are linked/quoted in the context of a live controversy between active posters ("active posters" = post within last six hours).

First penalty for spamming: Deletion and warning

Second penalty for spamming: Permanent ban from thread.

2140. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:20:58 PM

Oh, sorry, one more exception:

Every poster is entitled to post/link ONE -- repeat, ONE -- article per 24 hour day which is NOT part of an active discussion.

2141. janjon - 4/20/2001 2:25:12 PM

Does this mean that the next time (and there always is a next time) you and frankie (usually) get into one of your ad nauseum running commentaries on boobs or snatch or whatever the body part du jour is, that you will ban yourself?

Based on your past performances, you are walking along a very high fence here.

And, how, pray tell, does one START an active discussion here? Can this only be done without a link?

2142. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:25:31 PM

Another rule:

No "baiting" outside the context of an actual debate.

In other words, you can respond to an argument and then append a "Moron" at the end of your response.

However, a post which is naked of an actual response to a previous argument but merely contains an insult is spam and will be deleted and will be cause for warning/banning.

Ex: "If the energy crisis isn't caused by price controls, then you really ought to send a letter to Gray Davis, who believes otherwise, Moron."

That's not spam.

This is:

Ex 2: "Where's my little Acey? I need someone to wipe my runny shit on."

2143. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:26:05 PM

"And, how, pray tell, does one START an active discussion here? Can this only be done without a link?"


2140. AceofSpades - 4/20/01 7:20:58 PM



Oh, sorry, one more exception:

Every poster is entitled to post/link ONE -- repeat, ONE -- article per 24 hour day which is NOT part of an active discussion.

2144. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:27:01 PM

No further links/quotes are allowed. If you blow your allowance early, tough shit.

2145. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:28:05 PM

"Does this mean that the next time (and there always is a next time) you and frankie (usually) get into one of your ad nauseum running commentaries on boobs or snatch or whatever the body part du jour is, that you will ban yourself?"

Nope. Interaction between posters is the sine qua non of a chat forum.

2146. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:32:03 PM

Drudge reporting that TWO, repeat, TWO, justices are expected to step down from the SC this summer (most likely, O'Connor and Ginsberg).

2147. janjon - 4/20/2001 2:32:26 PM

I see. A set of rules designed to protect the, um, style of the policeman.

Well, have fun playing with yourselves.

2148. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:33:57 PM

Jan,

As you wish. If you prefer the spamzone, that's your prerogative.

We won't lose much without you.

2149. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 2:34:56 PM

Ginsberg would be a bonus. O'Connor, and for that matter, Rehnquist, are expected, and it is critical that if they do make a move, they do so before 2002.

The only thing that makes me think there is any validity to Ginsberg moving on is health and the fact that she has appeared more strident post Bush v. Gore.

2150. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:35:27 PM

"A set of rules designed to protect the, um, style of the policeman."

You guys get upset when you say something ridiculous and then Frankie and I parody that statement.

I don't blame you. It sucks to made a fool.

But then, fools have no right to demand their foolishness go unexposed and unmocked.

2151. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:36:14 PM

Frankie,

Can the Senate fillibuster a nomination? I imagine the answer is yes.

2152. janjon - 4/20/2001 2:38:51 PM

Wait a minute. I see now that this is just the Ace gasbag thread.

Insecure, of course. Idiot, indeed.

2153. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 2:39:34 PM

Since 1968, Senators of both parties have waged overt filibusters against 13 judicial nominees, starting with Abe Fortas (he withdrew).

But filibustering a Hispanic (Garza) and a woman (Jones) will be tough.

2154. labwabbit - 4/20/2001 2:40:49 PM

father was absent during childhood...show some compassion.

2155. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:41:49 PM

Also in the news...

A bill has been proposed in SC which requires that a Senator who can't complete his term must be replaced by someone of his party.

In unrelated news, Strom Thrumond is apparently entirely unaware that he is a US Senator.

2156. Dusty - 4/20/2001 2:46:31 PM

Ace

Cool idea.
If you can't bring Mohammed to the mountain...

2157. Fielding - 4/20/2001 2:48:09 PM

Ace:

Do your new rules permit Indy to post page 3 girls?

2158. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:49:23 PM

Fielding,

I hate to say it, but I think not.

I am sorry.

2159. Fielding - 4/20/2001 2:49:31 PM

Ace:

Which Jones is the woman?

2160. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 2:50:27 PM

The links will require cleaning up.

2161. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:50:58 PM

"The links will require cleaning up."

In time.

2162. Fielding - 4/20/2001 2:51:29 PM

No Page 3 girls?

I knew it was only a matter of time before you caved under the pressure of being a thread host. Wimp.

2163. janjon - 4/20/2001 2:51:59 PM

It sucks to [be] made a fool.

Now, that indeed had the ring of being written by a man who knows of what he writes.

It will be interesting to see how long heckel and jeckel can pull this off before doing one of their little routines.

2164. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:52:59 PM

Fielding,

How the hell can I have a joint Political Discussions/Page 3 Girls thread?

Perhaps, though, such a concept would mollify Pelle's concerns about unauthorized Thread-changing.

2165. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 2:53:54 PM

"It will be interesting to see how long heckel and jeckel can pull this off before doing one of their little routines. "

I hope we have a routine as soon as possible. Getting into a routine with Jeckle is my chief reason for even coming here.

2166. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 2:54:16 PM

Ace

Good point. This is the Alternative Political DISCUSSION, Occasional hot chicks thread.

The out, however, is Clintonian.

2167. bubbaette - 4/20/2001 2:56:20 PM

You are all underarm perspiration stains.

2168. bubbaette - 4/20/2001 2:59:41 PM

Unsightly nocturnal emmission smudges.

2169. bubbaette - 4/20/2001 3:01:35 PM

Big grease splotches on the stretched out dingy t-shirt of the universe.

2170. marshame - 4/20/2001 3:02:34 PM

So, what's this about Bush being a Nazi lover/plane wrecker??

2171. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 3:03:06 PM

marshame

Sr. or Jr.?

2172. bubbaette - 4/20/2001 3:03:08 PM

Red-brown crusty "accidents" in the panties of pre-menopausal hyenas.

2173. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 3:04:05 PM

Bush Sr crashed four planes under his command.

Most likely he did this deliberately, as a soldier in Emperor Hirohito's Secret Army of the West Wind.

He did this, of course, to help out Hitler.

2174. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 3:05:30 PM

I fear poopstain will be imported by those offended that others would seek refuge from poopstain.

2175. AceofSpades - 4/20/2001 3:06:00 PM

Bubbaette,

Your posts are cute and inoffensive, but no longer suitable for the current thread.

I don't want to warn you, but I must enforce the rules evenly against everybody.

Therefore, I must ask you to please stop posting posts which contain nothing but "insults" (although cute, inoffensive insults).

Thank you.

2176. Francis Urquhart - 4/20/2001 3:07:55 PM

I was in Philadelphia yesterday and bought the NY Post and the Ny Daily News at the train station. I love these papers. D.C. needs a tabloid.