The doctor is in...
2. labwabbit - 2/5/2001 8:56:00 PM
...sane.
3. JudithAtHome - 2/5/2001 9:19:21 PM
So, Doc....is it true those calories in my Banana Bread Pudding tonight don't really count because it's Monday?
4. labwabbit - 2/5/2001 9:31:13 PM
Dear Doc,
Is there something available that would help reduce irritation caused by duct-tape? I notice the problem is worse on hot, humid, summer days while at the local beach. What might you suggest? (My speedo is supposed to be a "One-size-fits-all".)
PS: I've tried another method, but this only seems to aggravate hemmoroidal tissue. Please! What can I do?
Yours truly
'Lumpy in 'Laska
5. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/5/2001 10:55:46 PM
Homebound Judith,
That depends. Did you eat the bread pudding?
Assuming you did, the good doctor believes we may also have determined the reason you are "at home...."
Wedged in?
Jack LaLane-look-alike boyfriend hesitant to take bottomless bread pudding fiend out in public?
You don't wish to stray too far from your secret bread pudding stash?
Coltrane's cure-all for bread-pudding addiction: Sunshine in the day and jitterbug dancing at night.
6. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/5/2001 11:07:07 PM
Lumpy in 'Laska,
You are using a knock-off brand of duct tape instead of the original, one-and-only Duck Tape. Accept no substitutions.
As for your other problem, Coltrane's hemmoroid-healing is to keep the area as dry as possible (you do know to wipe, don't you?) and clean it with something gentle like balneol lotion. With severely affected assholes, surgery may be necessary.
8. joezan - 2/5/2001 11:29:15 PM
Ok, wise guy.
What is the significance of the numbers 714 and 697.
10. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 12:07:25 AM
Quizkid Joezan,
714 is both Babe Ruth's homerun total and Joe Friday's badge number. So the good doctor guesses that 697 was either Babe Ruth's locker number or Bill Gannon's badge.
By the by, this is a professional advice thread, not a "let's stump Dr. Coltrane with miniscule trivia in a pale imitation of Regis Philbin." I see now that my discription is a little ambigious on that score, so I have deigned to answer your question but you may not be so blessed in the future.
Also, careful readers will note that two completely superfluous posts have been consigned to the Inferno.
11. joezan - 2/6/2001 12:16:33 AM
Damn good guess, XTC. But wrong.
Please do not feel obliged to give my question any further thought - you obviously have your hands full.
12. bubbaette - 2/6/2001 8:25:35 AM
Dr. Coltrane
Do you have a good recipe for Chicken and Dumplings?
13. bubbaette - 2/6/2001 8:26:34 AM
Also, Doc, how do you turn off bold typeface?
14. rubberducky - 2/6/2001 8:48:13 AM
i still wanna know what you were feeding Flash, Doc.
15. theDiva - 2/6/2001 10:02:56 AM
how do you fix the horn on an '89 Cavalier? This is a serious question.
16. PsychProf - 2/6/2001 10:08:04 AM
Well Cazart...I suggested your return(to no avail), so welcome back. My question is...why are you here?
17. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:28:57 AM
Duck Tape is hatched just down the street from my office.
There are now two Docs hanging around in this thread, but I'm sure no one will be confused.
18. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:29:53 AM
Diva, the Cavalier probably has a bad horn relay. This is pretty common in those cars.
19. theDiva - 2/6/2001 11:30:52 AM
Doc B!
I was hoping, when I saw your handle, that you'd answered my horn question. Failing that, where on earth (or the web, more specifically) can I find a repair guide for this vehicle? I am tearing my hair out and searching to no avail.
20. theDiva - 2/6/2001 11:31:13 AM
cp!
So how does one fix a bad horn relay?
21. PsychProf - 2/6/2001 11:31:58 AM
Haha...Three Docs Brown...one is real.
22. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:40:54 AM
The horn relay may be near the battery. With the hood up and the engine not running, have someone stand in front of the car while you push the horn button. If they hear a click then the relay is working. If there is no click then either the relay or the button is shot.
If the relay is working then you should change the horns. This is pretty simple to do with ordinary tools. The horns are right behind the front bumper.
23. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:41:42 AM
BTW Diva have you checked for a blown fuse?
24. theDiva - 2/6/2001 11:43:40 AM
yeah, that was the first thing we did. I will pass this along to Greg, he's going to try to fix it this weekend. Thanks a bunch!
25. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:48:55 AM
You can probably find the book you need at Hemmings Motor News.
26. DocBrown - 2/6/2001 11:51:05 AM
If that search is still there, you will see that Pit Stop Motorsports in New York offers the Cavalier manual for $19.88. It is part number 28320.
27. theDiva - 2/6/2001 11:55:45 AM
oh, cool! Thanks again. You are such a dear.
28. bubbaette - 2/6/2001 12:09:34 PM
That's all fine and good for you, but I still don't have a recipe for chicken and dumplings.
29. Jenerator - 2/6/2001 12:18:04 PM
Dr.Coltrane,
I have two questions for you.
1) Should I wear the 1950s styled feather-covered swimming cap as my headpiece to my wedding, or the giant silver and white turban blindingly appliqued by Bubba? In other words, which looks better?
2) My soon-to-be husband has a jealous ex-wife whose mission in life is twofold--meddle in our relationship and get him back. They have a nine year old daughter who will be in our wedding. There is a possibility that the ex will not allow their daughter to be in the wedding. This will undoubtedly occur the weekend of the wedding, and of course, her dress has been made and her accessories already purchased. I am extremely close to this girl and to be kept from this wedding will break her heart. Nevertheless, it is a real possibility. In your expert opinion, what would be the most tactful way of handling the situation should the ex keep the daughter from participating? Btw, the mother and daughter live about 300 miles from here, so all trips are planned in advance.
Thanks,
An appreciative reader.
30. theDiva - 2/6/2001 12:19:13 PM
Bubb
Yeah, but you got a guy who can fix horns.
31. bubbaette - 2/6/2001 12:22:00 PM
That's true. But he doesn't know how to make chicken and dumplings (or any chicken at all other than bbq or shake and bake).
32. theDiva - 2/6/2001 12:28:22 PM
33. bubbaette - 2/6/2001 12:30:53 PM
Thank you Diva. What good is this Doc. Coltrane person?
34. PelleNilsson - 2/6/2001 12:53:58 PM
Maybe it's too early for him.
35. labwabbit - 2/6/2001 6:17:35 PM
...maybe it's too late.
36. jexster - 2/6/2001 6:30:19 PM
Dear Dr. Coltrane (cc:calgal)
I've found myself in an horrid state of infatuation with a young guy, drop dead gorgeous, half my age who lives at the other end of the state.
If that weren't enough, he is an ESFJ while I am a confirmed, card-carrying INTP. Is quite the obstacle I think it might be (leaving aside the DOM issue)
37. labwabbit - 2/6/2001 6:44:30 PM
I've found myself in an horrid state of infatuation with a young guy, drop dead gorgeous, half my age who lives at the other end of the state.
Please try to remember that those glossy mag pics are edited. That dimple is really a scar obtained while, in his words, searching for the quarter he dropped between the barstools at Roscoe's Truck Stop.
Beauty is only skin deep. Knowing this will perhaps help you feel better about adopting more realistic goals in a relationship. Otherwise just browse another web-site.
38. jexster - 2/6/2001 6:49:41 PM
Thanks Lab,
I think we both are of the same mind (though in my case perhaps born of necessity!)
Both of us are intensely mind/soul fucking to this point and evidently are drawn to each other on that account... hence the question arose
39. jexster - 2/6/2001 6:50:27 PM
But damned he IS purty! ;)
40. labwabbit - 2/6/2001 6:52:13 PM
Both of us are intensely mind/soul fucking to this point and evidently are drawn to each other on that account...
Ya..but you're getting a virgin.
41. labwabbit - 2/6/2001 7:16:10 PM
But damned he IS purty!
Well, that would certainly rule me out.
42. Cellar Door - 2/6/2001 7:30:39 PM
What causes Republicans?
Is it a choice?
An orientation?
A genetic mutation?
47. jexster - 2/6/2001 7:52:04 PM
Republicans today are pretty much a collection of the emotionally disturbed. Its a personality defect which is probably less a mattyer of nature than of nuture compounded by an overwhelming sense of inadequacies.
These traits are widespread, shared by an overwhelming majority at least since the Reagan Purge elimated the balanced, the well-adjusted.....
49. jexster - 2/6/2001 7:53:14 PM
I wanna know should an INTP dump a relationship with an ESFJ or vice versa or should they give it a go?
I want CalGal or the Doc
52. jonesatlaw - 2/6/2001 11:15:32 PM
What is the significance of the numbers 714 and 697?
714 is also the number that Rohrs put on Quaaludes, as well as Babe Ruth's homerun total and Joe Friday's badge number and the shield they displayed on the credits.
53. CalGal - 2/6/2001 11:20:02 PM
Jex,
Please note that you should never ask me for relationship advice. That said, go ahead. You don't know how much of an ESFJ he is, and for all you know, it might be a great mix.
55. jonesatlaw - 2/6/2001 11:30:05 PM
My soon-to-be husband has a jealous ex-wife whose mission in life is twofold--meddle in our relationship and get him back. They have a nine year old daughter who will be in our wedding. There is a possibility that the ex will not allow their daughter to be in the wedding. This will undoubtedly occur the weekend of the wedding, and of course, her dress has been made and her accessories already purchased. I am extremely close to this girl and to be kept from this wedding will break her heart. Nevertheless, it is a real possibility. In your expert opinion, what would be the most tactful way of handling the situation should the ex keep the daughter from participating? Btw, the mother and daughter live about 300 miles from here, so all trips are planned in advance.
My 2 cents worth- if the ex keeps the daughter out of the wedding, the next time she visits, I would take her to a photographer, and have photos made of her in her dress with the two of you in your wedding attire. (Send the ex a copy of your new family portrait if you feel a bit vindictive, with a nice note telling her how wonderful her daughter looks and that you knew she'd want to have a picture of her in her dress) Then either have a small family reception, tea or dinner for you and your step daughter at home with close friends and family.
58. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:42:09 PM
A dear reader writes...
Dr. Coltrane, would you mind sharing that lip-smacking recipe for Cajun chicken & dumplings you entertain with at Mardis Gras every year?
l large chicken (preferably freshly beheaded and plucked)
2 quarts salted water (to taste)
1/4 cup real butter
1/2 cup sliced mushrooms
1/2 cup chopped celery
1/2 cup chopped green bell pepper
l pimento, chopped
1/4 cup chopped onion
l quart milk (whole)
2 hard-cooked eggs, chopped
l tablespoon Worcestershire sauce
l teaspoon vinegar
1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/8 teaspoon white pepper
1/8 teaspoon black pepper
Dumplings: recipe follows
59. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:42:16 PM
Dumplings:
Place 2 cups flour in your nice mixing bowl, about l teaspoon each salt, garlic salt, ground white and black peppers. Add cayenne pepper, garlic powder, thyme and oregano to taste; also, l teaspoon baking powder. Stir in l slightly beaten egg, 1/2 stick softened butter and l teaspoon extra virgin olive oil. Gradually stir in 1/2 cup milk. Knead dough until soft and smooth; divide into 5 small balls. Roll each ball on floured board until paper thin; cut into strips l-1/2 inches wide and 3 inches long. Lay strips on wax paper about 15 minutes before adding to broth.
Makes 6 servings.
60. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:46:13 PM
A loyal reader writes...
Dr. Coltrane, I am amazed at your mastery of HTML. Would you mind sharing with the rest of us a little of your arcane knowledge? How does one soften her online voice after elevating its volume with the bold tag?
Use this </B>
61. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:49:25 PM
An early reader writes...
Dr. Coltrane, bold tags are all well and good, but how did you do those amazing and wondrous feats in the "Try the Mote" thread?
Javascript, my good man. Just view the source code and all secrets will be revealed as though a magician had let you see behind his curtain of prestadigitation.
62. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:53:17 PM
The good doctor wishes to thank his colleague Dr. Brown for assisting with a housecall.
Should the lady need additional information, Dr. Coltrane will be happy to provide it, but it appears she is in the hands of a very capable automobile surgeon.
63. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/6/2001 11:56:17 PM
A quizzacal reader queries...
Benevolent Dr. Coltrane, why are you here?
The good doctor sez: To comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
64. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 12:02:56 AM
A ga-ga with stardust reader writes...
Your fashion expertise is renowned throughout the world, Dr. Coltrane. Which would a lady of my comely proportions wear at her wedding: the 1950s styled feather-covered swimming cap, or the giant silver and white turban blindingly appliqued by Bubba?
Certainly either would look smashing atop such an attractive head as yours, my dear. Since I don't have a picture of either headdress to go by, I suggest this test: ask aforesaid Bubba whether she thinks my recipe is the best damn chicken and dumplings she has ever put her lips to. If she answers yes, then she obviously has impeccable taste and you should follow her advice.
Otherwise, go with the swimming cap.
65. jonesatlaw - 2/7/2001 12:03:01 AM
Clarence Darrow lives on!
66. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 12:13:49 AM
Now onto some serious business (the wedding)...
There is no tactful way to handle the situation should the young miss be used like a tactical nuclear warhead in your nuptial planning. Such social atrocities should not be tolerated. Do not even entertain the possibility that this meddlesome alley cat of an ex-wife can withhold the poor child.
Arrogant, vicious folk triumph because they practice the policy of "grab it and growl." Let it be known that in no uncertain terms you expect your young friend's attendance. If the wicked witch even hints at keeping her away, say "Surely, you must be joking."
No matter what she says, treat it as a joke or no real possibility of occurring. Too much unacceptable behavior occurs because it's in fact accepted.
Now, if despite all this--and the good doctor means it, don't let the thought enter your head but just will that child to your wedding--I wouldn't worry about tact. Hell's bells, honey, it's your wedding: hasn't anyone told you that's the one time you're expected to act impossible? Why you're letting anyone horn in on your parade is a mystery to me...
Should the worst occur, paint her as the total villain she is for trying to ruin your wedding and breaking her own daughter's heart.
67. jexster - 2/7/2001 12:20:19 AM
Yea Cal what the fuck...nothin ventured nothin gained!
68. jexster - 2/7/2001 12:23:57 AM
To comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.
Awesome!
69. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 12:25:52 AM
A giddy with infatuation reader writes...
What does the good doctor think about long-distance relationships, especially when the two people have different personality styles?
Your later postings lead me to believe that you have an intense physical attraction that is mutual. In which case, my expert advice is, enjoy the bumpy ride.
There is no substitute for animal passion, and those who tell you otherwise have just never experienced it. Or were burned so bad by it before that they can't stand the thrills anymore.
Losers!
Sure, you'll likely feel like hell at a later date, but I think we adults expect the waiter to come around with the tab after we scarf down the creme bulee.
70. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 12:35:57 AM
A politically agitated reader wonders...
Why Republicans?
That is a very good question and one not capable of being answered in the limited space here. There are as many reasons as there are Republicans. So I'll just give a partial answer.
College fraternities.
71. Uzmakk - 2/7/2001 6:57:57 AM
Doctor Coltrane:
Do you thing that the following variation on cock au vin would appeal to American tastes, more specifically to both potato farmers and pretentious small town cultural social climbers who refer to Cabernet Sauvignons as "cabs" whenever they get the chance.
72. Uzmakk - 2/7/2001 8:22:19 AM
i.e., do you think. And, perhaps I would describe the texture that Americans prefer as substantial.
73. theDiva - 2/7/2001 9:57:38 AM
My 2 cents WRT the wedding question, Jen...take it from one who is negotiating the shoals of stepfamilyhood (is that a word?) on a daily basis.
Let your intended perform any and all negotiations with his ex regarding the child's attendance at the wedding. I know this is going to be difficult but in dealing with exes, it is best to let the partner whose ex it is actually handle the situation. Believe me, putting yourself into this will only fan the flames, particularly if she is already pissed about the wedding. And under no circumstances should you or your intended badmouth the mother to the child (tempting though that may be.) IOW, take the high road. Good luck.
74. rubberducky - 2/7/2001 10:01:08 AM
Dear Prof X
long time reader, 2nd time writer!
i was attempting to test your trivia knowledge, and your response to my query left me a little confused
do you know why i asked about Flash? (it has to do with your moniker)
thanks,
Living High On A Feeling
75. bubbaette - 2/7/2001 10:32:32 AM
Dear Doc
I am greatly enlightened by your response to the many questions you've received and am enjoying your thread considerably. The chicken and dumpling recipe looks swell and should be greatly to DH's taste, as it contains cayenne. My question is as follows: Can I leave out the mushrooms? I don't like fungus.
76. KuligintheHooligan - 2/7/2001 10:35:17 AM
Jen, why doesn't the daughter live with the father? Will she live with you and the father once you two get hitched? This would have a bearing on how to handle the situation, imho.
BTW, you have been saying for nearly two years that the daughter is "9 years old." Doesn't this kid age?
77. bubbaette - 2/7/2001 10:44:09 AM
BTW
I must second Diva's advice wrt step-children and ex's. I have been w/ my sweetie going on 8 years now and strive never to inject myself into his dealings with his daughter or his ex wife. I can proudly say that I've never said an ugly word towards or about his ex to either hubby or daughter as it's not my battle. I think that daughter appreciates that I don't take part in money discussions and have never bad-mouthed her mom. If asked about the ex, my stock response is "She certainly helped to raise a lovely daughter."
On the other hand, I have not let myself be cut out of daughter's life -- even when ex is present. I attended her HS graduation and intend to be present at her college graduation later this year and don't care if ex is comfortable with that. I will be civil and if she cannot be, then that is a reflection on her -- not me.
So while it would be a crying shame if his daughter is not allowed to participate, perhaps you can make it up to her with pictures as PP suggests and a private party. Don't use this as an occassion to trash the witch, as you are the newcomer in this situation and setting yourself up as a rival to the ex when you are not.
78. theDiva - 2/7/2001 10:56:17 AM
"I will be civil and if she cannot be, then that is a reflection on her --not me."
Words to live by. And praise to Bubba for never saying a discouraging word about Momma...I think it's hard for kids to allow themselves to love the stepparent, initially, without feeling some measure of disloyalty to the other, absent parent. Keeping the kids out of the fray, so to speak, helps them resolve those feelings.
And believe it or not, Jen, your relationship with her will change once you and your fiance get married. Count on it. This was the one thing Greg and I were not prepared for. He's known Gracie since she was 3 and they have been buds, thick as thieves, yet when we got married and he became stepdad, the whole dynamic changed. It's been kinda tough to negotiate, but it's working.
79. don s. - 2/7/2001 11:09:26 AM
Dear Dr. C:
Why was my post (#54) deleted? It wasn't even banished to the Inferno (which I'm used to), but simply dispatched to the ether. Is that how things happen in here?
80. seadate - 2/7/2001 11:12:03 AM
Sure, you'll likely feel like hell at a later date, but I think we adults expect the waiter to come around with the tab after we scarf down the creme bulee.
..... no I feel better.
81. seadate - 2/7/2001 11:18:03 AM
now
86. Jenerator - 2/7/2001 12:43:22 PM
Jonesatlaw,
What a thoughtful idea, I like it! I think that the photo op would have to take place after the actual wedding because every weekend is tied up from now until the date. Still, thank you for a great idea that I hope I don't have to use (wish me luck!)
Dr. Coltrane,
I am definitely a fan of your literary style and I thank you for putting all of this into a new perspective for me. I will leave up the head piece to Bubba, the pressure's off! On to serious matters, I have to agree with you and Diva. Should the ex try and confront me, I will handle her directly, precisely, and tactfully. Should she withhold the young lady from the big day, I will let the girl know that we were very, very sorry to not have her there and that we wanted her there. D can deal with her on the detail of it being her mother's "fault" for not attending. Afterall, the blame will be on her head. Neither of us bad mouth the mother, even though she has definitely given us enough ammo to. As weird as this may sound, I am glad to know that I am not the only one who has ever had to deal with this type of situation. [Diva, D tends to be the nonconfrontational type, he'd rather not acknowledge it than deal with it.]
Kuligin,
She will be 10 in 12 days, they have joint custody, and the mother took the girl to a city 300 miles from here and is now going to reopen the child custody case as well as child support payment plans; even though he's been supporting the child.
88. seadate - 2/7/2001 12:52:35 PM
Jen,
My two cents:
1. "The high road" has nothing to do with revenge, so although Jones' idea is creative (and kinda cool), it's *not* the high road.
2. Although your wedding is very important, you have a life with your new family for years to come that is more important, so bear in mind the long-term implications of your dealings with your future SO's ex.
91. Rosetta Stone - 2/7/2001 5:03:56 PM
Dear Doctor:
I often have bad timing (one reason why we've had six children).
And I never had the opportunity to tell my oldest kids about the birds and/or the bees. Yet they seem to know everything--and more. Obviously, they learnt it from their friends and on TV.
But it may not be too late for my youngest two.
My little boy (age 8) told a joke last night that went like this: "Why do girls have breasts?" Answer: "So boys will talk to them."
He heard it in school, didn't understand it and wanted an explanation
It then hit me then that I still have the opportunity to get his mother to tell them the real poop.
It's easier for mothers to do it. Right?
92. Jenerator - 2/7/2001 5:09:14 PM
Why not make the mothers tell them, it's their fault they got pregnant with them to begin with, right?
93. Uzmakk - 2/7/2001 5:20:24 PM
Dr. Coltrane:
Another question if you don't mind, you are so kind. The other day over in Parenting I mentioned a contrap my son had rigged in order to knock squirrels from the arboreal canopy. PP told me to lay off the vodka. As a practicing and somewhat fanatical muslim I take this as a very serious insult. Should I declare a jihad against him, or should I let him live?
I depend upon your knowledge of Yankistan for help in adjusting to my new country.
Yours very appreciatively,
Uzmakk of the Steppe
94. Rosetta Stone - 2/7/2001 5:22:04 PM
My thoughts exactly, Jenerator.
95. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:02:32 PM
A persistent reader writes...
No, Dr. Coltrane, I'm talking about the dog!
In that case, I can't help you, son. That was my poor relation, Roscoe P.
96. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:09:52 PM
A gourmandic partaker of fowl queries...
Dr. Coltrane, how would one with your culinary expertise rate this fine recipe?
Cabs are fine for cooking, though I much prefer a merlot when partaking of the vine. And the good doctor does not care for dark poultry.
I am strictly a breast man.
97. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:15:41 PM
An enlightened reader asks...
Must I eat fungus?
My friend, the secret of fine cooking is for the chef to please his (or in your case, her) own tastes. Start with the finest fresh ingredients--spare no expense--have a well-appointed kitchen, and then create like the artist you are. A painter needs quality paint, canvas, and brushes, but the strokes are all your own...and you know what they say about different ones.
99. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:19:43 PM
A lower-cased reader disturbs the ether...
Why, mighty Dr. Coltrane, was my letter not responded to but instead put in the great bit bucket?
I do believe my staff must have misfiled it.
Is that how things happen in here?
Yes.
100. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:35:45 PM
My most bodacious reader writes...
You are wise, Dr. Coltrane, and I will certainly follow your advice.
Let me tell you something else, young lady. This whole business sounds worse the more I hear. Are you sure the fellow is man enough for you? The groom seems to need a bit more prodding about this situation than he ought.
Perhaps you should give this Acey Deucy character another look. Get him lusting after you, and perchance the lout will quit lusting after my thread. A man who will drink his own urine for you is not to be trifled with.
All kidding aside, the good doctor believes unless you get the ground rules set in your favor at the start of this essentially four-way marriage, you have not heard the last of Cruella Deville.
102. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:47:20 PM
A monotonous reader jests...
Dr. Coltrane, I have a lot of children, but I don't know anymore than they do about how they got here.
The good doctor has three pieces of advice:
Ask the postman, the sanitation engineer, and any other regular male visitors to your house to please get vasectomies.
As you have (by your count) five children, consider spending less time online trying to save money on advice and more time earning an honest living. Do not under any circumstance, however, go near the children.
Close all your bank accounts and remove your name from any joint accounts you have with your wife. Transfer all your funds you earn from aforementioned honest living to her control and pray like hell she continues to put up with your ass as long as you agree to support her and the various municipal workers' children.
103. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/7/2001 11:52:43 PM
A fanatical reader scrolls in blood...
Dr. Coltrane, can I kill another poster for something he wrote here?
The good doctor says no.
It is not a practice I would encourage.
For obvious, self-serving reasons.
106. rubberducky - 2/8/2001 9:38:53 AM
Prof X
thanks for answering my last missive!
truly, your knowledge is boundless
my next question deals with taglines. what would you say of someone who quotes an empty headed pop 'sex symbol' starlet's song title in his/her tagline on an online discussion forum? are they merely stupid or simply oblivious?
thanks as always
Anxiously Anticipating An Answer
107. theDiva - 2/8/2001 9:45:09 AM
maybe they think they're indulging in post-modern irony.
108. rubberducky - 2/8/2001 9:46:49 AM
a possibility, of course, deev
but wouldn't that fall into 'simply oblivious'?
109. theDiva - 2/8/2001 9:57:30 AM
probably.
111. Jenerator - 2/8/2001 10:35:06 AM
Dr. Coltrane,
Again, I must thank you for your sound advice. My fiance means well, he's just tired of dealing with the ex. She needs no provocation to be annoying.
It's too late for Ace. Although I have admired him from afar for quite sometime, ours is a love that never came to fruition. So, I am resigned to flirting with him whenever possible, here.
While I am on the subject of love, please tell me, what is the best present to give a man on Valnetines Day?
113. Francis Urquhart - 2/8/2001 10:38:06 AM
Dr. Coltrane
I have an important golf tournament approaching (6 rounds in 4 days) and limited time (perhaps 4 hours of total range time). I shoot mid 90s. Do you suggest I devote my time to the driver, the long iron, the wedge, or the putter? If I try and groom all 4, I fear, with the limited time available, I'll do little good for any aspect.
Frances Urquhart
114. Fielding - 2/8/2001 10:44:07 AM
Drive for show
putt for dough.
115. bubbaette - 2/8/2001 10:45:23 AM
what is the best present to give a man on Valnetines Day?
A skimpy little red or black lace teddy, with you in it. (At least that's my experience.)
116. Jenerator - 2/8/2001 10:47:50 AM
Bubba,
We won't be hitched by then, so no sexy nighties.
117. bubbaette - 2/8/2001 10:49:00 AM
party pooper.
118. bubbaette - 2/8/2001 10:56:00 AM
Hmmmm, in that case I have no idea. Sunday is Mike's birthday and I asked him what he would like as a gift. His response was completely uninspired -- golf balls and socks.
Doc -- what should I give Mike for his b.day?
119. Fielding - 2/8/2001 10:56:30 AM
Um, Jen, did you see the "Charlotte's Wedding" arc on Sex in the City?
120. theDiva - 2/8/2001 11:03:50 AM
Dr. Coltrane,
Fielding is cute. Should I pinch his face?
Sincerely,
Diva
121. JudithAtHome - 2/8/2001 11:04:10 AM
Fielding:
My thoughts exactly.
Jen:
Give him chocolate...and good brandy. Or good brandy IN chocolates...
130. DocBrown - 2/8/2001 3:24:39 PM
Dear Dr. Xavier T. Coltrane,
(or may I call you "Doctor X?")
My brain has been traumatized by my so-called "friends" in a certain online community. Over the years this comminity has convinced me that there is no God, but people who believe in God are happier than people who do not. The community has also convinced me that all lawyers are leeches, because it is impossible to measure the justice produced by any legal system, but that life without any lawyers would be much worse than life with them.
Using economics, they once convinced me that the "science" of economics does not tell society how to make its decisions, but if I assume goods are good, increasing productivity produces more good at less cost to everyone.
Did I mention that they have recently caused me to believe that Adam Sandler movies are better than tabloid television?
In short, this online community has filled my head with paradox. It is now impossible for me to believe in anything. All statements are false.
Obviously I need your help. Please tell me what to believe in.
Then (if it's not too much trouble) please teach me how to stop dangling my prepositions in public.
Thanks in advance for your learned help,
- Doc Brown
131. Jenerator - 2/8/2001 3:45:35 PM
Fielding,
I didn't see "Charlotte's Wedding". I really enjoy Sex in the City but haven't seen any of the current episodes. I need extended cable!
Judith,
I'll buy the chocolates for myself, he's a meat and potatoes kinda guy.;-)
Dr. Coltrane,
Very recently in your thread, I asked you what the best present for a man is on Valentine's Day. Bubba told me that she likes to dress me up in skimpy red or black teddies and give me away. (AND that this present works for her!)
Am I suffering from memory loss? Please help me.
132. Uzmakk - 2/8/2001 4:07:07 PM
Dr. Coltrane:
You seem to have missed the meat of my first question concerning coque au vin.
133. rubberducky - 2/8/2001 4:23:36 PM
how is that a question?
134. Fielding - 2/8/2001 4:31:11 PM
Jen:
How can I put this delicately.
The "Charlotte's Wedding" arc concerned Charlotte marrying a seemingly perfect guy for her, without sufficient knowledge of their, er, compatibility.
135. JayAckroyd - 2/8/2001 4:46:45 PM
I'm looking for a small T-1 equipped training room in San Francisco, to hold about a dozen people. Do you know of one?
136. Indiana Jones - 2/8/2001 5:18:09 PM
Jay: You might try the San Francisco Public Library. I'm still digging and will post anything else I find about it, but it looks promising.
137. Indiana Jones - 2/8/2001 5:23:20 PM
They have such room(s), but you'd need to call to see whether they rent them out.
138. ycmeehan - 2/8/2001 5:35:31 PM
You seem to have missed the meat of my first question concerning coque au vin.
HaHaHa! but I didn't miss it, Uzmakk. Althought this time you seem going "du coq à l'âne". You're a hoot, I swear. Tell me, which one is it? Cock, coque, or coq?
139. CalGal - 2/8/2001 6:26:06 PM
Jay--I posted a response in N&Q. I'm checking with some friends for you. I could probably think of a few places myself, but I'd have to call them or look up the names and the friends should be faster.
140. Uzmakk - 2/8/2001 6:47:19 PM
ycmeehan:
It is actually a serious question about chicken and wine, but I thought I might as well throw the whole cockque in for the fun of it. I am going to try the recipe...seriously. I like to feed my family well and it is one of the reasons that my wife keeps me.
143. bubbaette - 2/9/2001 9:02:25 AM
Doc
I have a colleague who is an incredible bore. He comes into my office once or twice a day and drones on and on -- sometimes for up to 45 minutes before I can get rid of him. If she sees him enter my office, my secretary will usually call me in 10 or 15 minutes with a bogus crisis so's I can escape, but she doesn't always see him. Often I'll stand up and inch him toward the door, look at my watch, and suggest that I am on deadlines, but still he lingers. My question for you is this --
How do I set my laser printer on "stun"?
144. Fielding - 2/9/2001 10:04:19 AM
Message # 110
Dr., its been 24 hours. I need an answer to my question!
145. Jenerator - 2/9/2001 10:25:30 AM
Bubba,
There are two tactics you can try that *I* think will work. Obviously the guy enjoys your company, so make it that he doesn't. In other words, quit bathing!! Let those armpits do the talking and he won't stick around. OR, set up booby-traps, that's what I do. Cavalierly toss some thumb tacks on your floor and chairs. Place your file cabinet in front of the door on the side he stands. Bring some of Cal's doggy hair from home and ever so secretly put it on the guy so he associates pain, discomfort and shedding with being in your office.
146. bubbaette - 2/9/2001 10:48:36 AM
I must say that I DO like your approach, Jen. There's also the retribution factor to compensate me for the hours of incessant blathering that I've endured thus far.
By the way, please understand that I wasn't suggesting that I give you in a teddy to my DH for valentines. As much as DH may enjoy the novelty of such a gift, I think that state law and the federal constition prohibits giving individuals for gifts.
Instead, I suggest that you present yourself in skimpy naughties to your tru luv.
147. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 9:52:51 AM
A kind reader asks...
Dr. Coltrane, is quoting a pop star whose brain is smaller than her cup size and who is younger than the first Hannibal Lechter movie and barely old enough to get into see the second indication of early Alzheimer's?
It depends. If one is applying for a job other than mall security guard, it's probably a bad idea. But if one is a horny old Humbert Humbert trying to impress some bubble-gum-popping Lolita (who will still think you're creepy, but maybe you can give her and her friends a lift home from Skatetown U.S.A.), go for it.
148. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 10:12:38 AM
A sporting reader asks...
Dr. Coltrane, if someone wishes to apply an undergraduate technique to golf (i.e., cram quickly rather than putting in the real time that such a skill requires), which part of the game should one devote the all-nighter to?
The good doctor must concur with the other reader who advocated the short game. Putting, preferably on the course where you will be playing.
149. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 10:21:21 AM
A romantically inclined reader wonders...
Dr. Coltrane, what ought a woman do for her man on Valentine's Day?
Valentine's day is for you, my coquette. Do what will make you happy and expect him to do the same (do what will make you happy). Men are simple creatures and aside from a steady supply of sex, they also appreciate much ego stroking. Their ego is muchly stroked by a sense that they keep their women happy, so make yourself happy and let him think he's responsible.
That's general advice, but if you want a specific application of it, go out and buy yourself that dress you've been wanting (if possible, with his money) and let him know how much you appreciate it. And whatever he does for you for Valentine's Day, act like it's the thrill of your life.
150. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 10:30:30 AM
A kind reader adds...
What about birthdays, Dr. Coltrane?
It appears my answer will be too late to help you this year, but in the future keep in mind what I told the blushing bride above. However, birthdays are somewhat more important to men than Valentine's Day, especially as a gent gets older. Do what you can to make the old guy feel like life is not passing him by and that he's still the young stallion he always thought he was.
That's a pretty tall order, but having a couple of his long-time friends over might help so they can reminisce about the good-old-days (next best thing). Also, try to look your best and "perkiest" on that day. Nothing helps keep a man feeling young like having a woman who is young at heart.
And remind him of his accomplishments, which are what a man uses to forget those ever-present demons that are both balding and graying and with continuously expanding waistlines.
151. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 10:32:10 AM
A flirtatious reader wonders...
Do cute men like to have their faces pinched?
Speaking as a cute man, the good doctor says yes.
152. Greystoke - 2/11/2001 10:54:57 AM
"And whatever he does for you for Valentine's Day, act like it's the thrill of your life."
I'm getting the wife a new mop for Valentine's Day. I can think of nothing better than laying on the couch on Feb. 14 with a cold beer watching Mrs. Greystoke as she shakes her booty while mopping the kitchen floor.
Excuse me. I have to leave the computer for a few minutes.
153. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 12:07:53 PM
My colleague Dr. Brown refers several weighty questions...
God. If there is a God and he expects you to believe in him and you do not, you are screwed big time. If there is no God but believing in him makes you happy or if there is a God and he does not care one way or the other but believing in him makes you happy, then what have you got to lose? You will not discover the absence of God until a point at which it will not matter.
So the only tough choice is if there is a God who cares but believing in him makes you unhappy. Any adult knows that you have to accept reality even when its makes you unhappy. And unlike the other case, you will discover this reality when it is significant to your continued well-being.
But what about no God and no happiness believing in him, you say? You must be the kind of person who when on a 747 plunging to its doom likes to remind people that the safety talk by the flight attendants was all for naught because oxygen masks are not going to do you a damn bit of good when a hunk of the Andes is stuck up your ass and a Chilean bigfoot is gnawing your frost-bitten leg off.
154. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 12:14:06 PM
P.S.
Adam Sandler movies or tabloid television?
The good doctor says...
tabloid television. (And it's not even close.)
Do not worry about dangling your prepositions in public, my friend. If your ravings in that last post are any indication, Dr. Coltrane suspects you will not be doing much of anything in public for much longer.
155. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/11/2001 12:34:37 PM
An harassed reader writes...
How do I deal with an irritating co-worker (other than the currently envogue method of going berserk with a handgun, which might deprive me of the continued pleasure of reading your fine column, Dr. Coltrane)?
Let me first say this secretary of yours is not earning her keep because falling on bore grenades is certainly one of the primary functions of office help in her position.
One little trick is to keep things stacked in all the chairs in your office. Should someone you actually want to talk to come in, you can clear a space for the handsome fellow. Obviously, this will not keep away determined haranguers, as they do not mind the discomfort of standing as long as they know your discomfort in having to listen to them is worse. If this human gastropod has been spilling his guts to you for this long, you should know enough about him to fight back. What does he dislike? Turn the conversation toward that and speak in a way that will make him uncomfortable and so that having a conversation with you will no longer be a rewarding experience for him.
The problem is, you want him to like you but you would rather not have him talk to you. Human interaction generally does not work that way. If you truly do not like him, quit treating him as you would someone you do. For example, he brings up his love of animals, talk about how you and your high school buddies used to bury kittens up to their necks and run lawnmowers over them.
If you cannot be this unpleasant, whatever he wants to talk about, turn it to yourself and your problems. Make the stories as boring as possible: your latest operation, a bunion you had to have lanced, etc. Do not let him get a word in edgewise. Remember, you just need to be more unpleasant than some other suitable victim. Make it worth his while to seek fresh prey.
158. robertjayb - 2/11/2001 1:34:14 PM
.
Dear Doctor,
What happened to Eric Cartman?
s/curious
159. arkymalarky - 2/11/2001 1:45:57 PM
I bet he's a dad or becoming one? I thought his announcement came somewhat before the other pregnant Moties.
167. theDiva - 2/12/2001 12:02:06 PM
Dr. Trane
Why, OH WHY do people insist on looking at an OBVIOUSLY STILL PREGNANT woman and asking 'ARE YOU STILL HERE?' or the ever charming 'HAVEN'T YOU HAD THAT BABY YET?'
178. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 12:35:33 PM
Dear Dr. Coltrane,
Why not tell those who want to know who you really are?
If you're the deviled Cazart, so what? I'm sure that most Moties would accept that fact and would consider this thread as an attempt to make up for whatever you did or didn't do in the past here in other threads. If you're not, why the big secret of your identity? I don't understand it. I can only be what I am and I always post under my first names'initials and my last name. What is to fear to post under one's rightful name? I never understood that. Pelle is Pelle and I am ycmeehan. Are we both crazy to post under our real names? Are we taking a chance and in what and why?
I hope that you will take the time to answer me. If you deem this post frivolous, please answer the following at least: Who is Valentine.
The French believe that "We honor the life of Saint Valentine, a Roman Christian who was jailed and eventually executed for helping other Christians. This happened on February 14, in about the year 270 A.D. It is said that while in jail, Valentine fell in love with the jailer's blind daughter and miraculously restored her sight. Before his execution, he is supposed to have sent her a farewell note (evidently, she had learned to read amazingly quickly)"
179. bubbaette - 2/12/2001 1:22:43 PM
What is to fear to post under one's rightful name? I never understood that. Pelle is Pelle and I am ycmeehan. Are we both crazy to post under our real names? Are we taking a chance and in what and why?
Speaking as a person who doesn't post under her own name, I can tell you why I don't, but can't speak for anyone else.
I am a state employee working under the administration of one of the most vindictive assholes ever elected to public office. Because the views I express here don't toe the Repub party line, and since to the current regime yer either fer em or agin em, I choose not to post under my own name.
Doesn't that make me kinda paranoid? Does anyone in the administration really care that a mid-level bureaucrat is an out-and-out Democrat? Yes, it makes me paranoid -- but not without reason. Based on the on the petty-assed actions of the current administration on other issues, they view freedom of speech as a fault -- not a virtue.
When I retire or no longer work for the gubmint, I'll post under my own name.
180. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 1:56:22 PM
Doesn't that make me kinda paranoid?
No, Bubbaette, I apologize for being so thoughtless. Since I am an out-and-out Democrat myself, I would do the same.
181. DocBrown - 2/12/2001 2:28:20 PM
YC, I use the handle Doc Brown instead of my real name because it gives you all exactly the image of me that I want you to have. Just about everyone has seen the movie character from Back to the Future, and I want you to think that I look and sound like him. He also drives a cool car.
In contrast, you would find my real name boring and undescriptive.
187. PelleNilsson - 2/12/2001 3:05:50 PM
I just want to say that I don't think it is morally superior in any way to post under one's own name. I do it because when I first signed up with the Fray I was unaware that most people use pseuds in online forums. Then it became a habit. I posted as Arctic Loon for a while in TT, but I got bored with it, possibly because I felt I had to make up a variation of my personality and couldn't be bothered to.
188. JudithAtHome - 2/12/2001 3:15:59 PM
I post under my real name at TT because I signed in that way and thought I wouldn't be posting there much, anyhow. I have mentioned before how this (JAH) name came about but I've never hidden my real name from anyone here, anyhow.
I think it's just what a person feels like doing...some do, some don't. But upon meeting those from here in RL, I've noticed they have all been exactly like their on-line personalities. I think it takes too much effort to maintain a different personality than what one has...although some people have very little problem doing so, obviously.:-)
189. ChristinO - 2/12/2001 3:18:32 PM
Except for me. I'm far wittier and much more gorgeous in person.
RIGHT JUDITH?????
192. Fielding - 2/12/2001 3:26:49 PM
"I just want to say that I don't think it is morally superior in any way to post under one's own name. I do it because when I first signed up with the Fray I was unaware that most people use pseuds in online forums."
Given that there are 700,000 Pelle Nilssons in Sweden, there is very little risk in using that moniker.
:)
193. PelleNilsson - 2/12/2001 3:28:13 PM
I have worked for many years to develop a WYSIWYG persona IRL so I can't very well put up a front here.
194. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 3:29:01 PM
I think it takes too much effort to maintain a different personality than what one has...although some people have very little problem doing so, obviously
Some people couldn't disguise their personalities, no matter how hard they tried and P**** is one of them. His lovely dour Swede personality shines throught in whatever he writes. I just knew that as soon as I posted his name, I should never have mentioned it because he would be refuting whatever I wrote about him :-)
195. labwabbit - 2/12/2001 3:31:57 PM
so I can't very well put up a front here
You mean that was really you in the pic in Suggestions? Haha.
196. PelleNilsson - 2/12/2001 3:36:21 PM
yc
:-) With love.
197. bubbaette - 2/12/2001 3:38:54 PM
I picked my pen name when I started on the Fray. So many people seemed well-educated, and well-spoken that I just wanted folks to judge me for the bumpkin I am.
198. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 4:03:20 PM
What am I going to do, Dr. Coltrane? All these men in my life: My two sons, my husband, a few others I won't mention and now Dr. Brown and Pelle talk to me swetly and I fall for them. So much love!
That reminds me of a little incident when I turned forty which is, I hasten to say, not that long ago: A male friend had the misfortune to tell me: Well, now, for you, it's down the hill. You're a woman. It is not the same for men. They stay good-looking and younger longer than women.
You know what I told him, Dr.? Speak for your wife, buddy. There are women in this world who are forever young and seductive, and you're looking at one of them.
My friend's wife supported my statement and the poor guy...well, I won't tell you what happened to him, too grim.
199. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 4:21:46 PM
Dear Dr. Coltrane.
Now, you can't possibly ignore me anymore and for the following reasons: I didn't ignore your thread. I didn't accuse you of being someone you weren't. I was rather respectful when finally, I addressed you directly.
I admit that I tend to write unconsequential posts (not that I ever really did post meaningful ones although I tried mightily once). Were I to tell you my Mote history, you would understand why I do so now.
Anyway kindly make an effort to post to me, please.
PS. If you deign to remark on my posts to you, please, do not talk to me as you do to Jen. It would be too much for me.
211. janjon - 2/12/2001 4:45:16 PM
The good Doctor may be sporadic (and what is it with all of these missing posts), but when here he is almost always right on. Refreshingly so.
More, please.
212. labwabbit - 2/12/2001 4:58:38 PM
The good Doctor may be sporadic (and what is it with all of these missing posts), but when here he is almost always right on. Refreshingly so.
HA! And most everyone thought it was originating from NAFTA.
213. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 5:09:06 PM
I rule my kitchen with a wooden spoon.
I don't, Bubbaette. Coming from a family and country that raise eating well to standards and preoccupations with the right ingredients I am unable to emulate, I decided long ago never to cook well. The men in my life forcibly became good cooks.
215. PsychProf - 2/12/2001 5:25:24 PM
216. ycmeehan - 2/12/2001 5:45:52 PM
Immediately I am sending this banner to all my men, PP. Just to remind them who rules their heart, you understand.
Thanks so much. This is thrilling!
217. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/12/2001 11:39:58 PM
An expecting reader laments...
Dr. Coltrane, why do people not realize that obvious questions and remarks need not be said for the umpteenth time--and to do so does not indicate great wit or sensitivity?
Alas, mother-to-be, not everyone can be as creative and spontaneous as the good doctor. For such mundane personages, the significance of your pregnancy is that at last they have something less inocuous and commonplace than the weather upon which to converse and display their clever repartee. Asking the child's sex and "have you picked out a name yet?" are more of same, though perhaps less personally irritating and stupidly obvious.
Depending upon your mood and just how much license you think your condition entitles you to, you can answer such unimaginative pests with...
"I've decided to postpone delivery until next New Year's so I can get a discount on the hospital bill."
"Yes, I'm still here, but any moment I expect Marshall Applewhite to call me home. He'll be especially pleased that I've bred with an earth man during my stay."
"Nope--still the same. And how's your syphillis?"
218. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/12/2001 11:47:28 PM
An inquiring reader wonders...
Are you really St. Valentine?
No, despite having the wisdom of the ages, the good doctor is a mere mortal, scarcely old enough to have crossed paths with the Emperor Claudius.
219. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/13/2001 12:01:47 AM
A desperately smitten reader posts...
Dr. Coltrane, are your initials a happy coincidence--or evidence of your ability to please a woman?
Like you, my sweet, I believe there is no reason for the powers of seduction to not increase with age as the years distill amor's elixir to a potent beverage. Why, just the other evening I was at a social gathering of several potentates like myself, and by far the most charming and alluring woman there was in her early 70s. This autumn rose was not only gracious in speech and demeanor, but--believe the good doctor--she was a fine figure of a woman as well.
Had I my choice of company for the evening, it certainly would have been she.
Needless to say, such an attitude in a male will serve him well in his own trysts and jousts. Remember, gentlemen, a devestating serve may win you many a tennis match, but it does not make for nearly as enjoyable a game as mastering the long ground stroke.
220. theDiva - 2/13/2001 3:59:30 AM
#217
hahahahahahahahaha
(gasp)
hahahahahahahahahaha
thank you, Dr. Trane!
221. jonesatlaw - 2/13/2001 4:15:16 AM
Dear Doctor- a related question, why do people have the urge and feel the license to pat and/or rub pregnant women's bellies?
222. JudithAtHome - 2/13/2001 9:00:29 AM
Dr.X....
Why do you feel the need to delete so many posts? Is it true doctors have a god complex?
223. rubberducky - 2/13/2001 1:21:08 PM
Dear Prof X
which company should i hate more Macroshit or AOHell?
please tell me so that i know to channel my hatred towards the appropriate Borg collective
224. bubbaette - 2/13/2001 1:27:50 PM
RD
We use Earthlink (used to be Mindspring) in the Ette household and have had good experience with it.
225. rubberducky - 2/13/2001 1:33:52 PM
bubba
as do i. i wasn't speaking in terms of an ISP, but the general evil malevolence that is spawned from these two festering sinkholes every time there is a press release or a new 'version' of their crappy products
226. janjon - 2/13/2001 1:35:58 PM
This Doctor keeps very limited and sporadic office hours.
227. bubbaette - 2/13/2001 1:36:47 PM
He's on the golf course.
228. seadate - 2/13/2001 1:37:51 PM
Bubb,
Is there a painless procedure for butt and back waxing?
229. bubbaette - 2/13/2001 1:39:41 PM
Why would I be interested in a painless butt or back waxing method? There are some traditions that should not be tampered with.
230. Fielding - 2/13/2001 1:42:01 PM
Has anybody checked the doctor's accreditation?
231. theDiva - 2/13/2001 1:42:16 PM
#228
Morphine.
232. janjon - 2/13/2001 1:43:29 PM
accreditation? That thought didn't enter my mind.
place(s) of confinement is a different issue.
233. ycmeehan - 2/13/2001 1:44:35 PM
Judith: Jen:
Give him chocolate...and good brandy. Or good brandy IN chocolates...
Here, the chocolate for you, Jen
234. seadate - 2/13/2001 1:47:05 PM
Morphine?
Diva, I'd probly be out until the hair grew back.
235. labwabbit - 2/13/2001 1:48:28 PM
Fall in.
Next stop Psychic Friends...
237. bubbaette - 2/13/2001 1:51:46 PM
Diva
It is my contention that a feller can't truly appreciate a good waxing unless he's awake and all his nerve endings are standing at attention.
238. ycmeehan - 2/13/2001 1:54:39 PM
Fielding,
His accreditation is well documented on the Mote. I think I have figured out who is he. I suspect that certain (how should I say that, I wonder?)...well certain powerful Moties around here know exactly who he is and are in cahoot to protect and help him.
239. seadate - 2/13/2001 1:56:43 PM
Bubb,
You crack me up.
240. theDiva - 2/13/2001 1:57:38 PM
Bubb
well, of course. But we must also be sensitive to our more, shall we say, reticent clients.
241. labwabbit - 2/13/2001 2:01:35 PM
Who are you calling reticent Deev?
Bub
#237
Hahaha...How you achieve that is something I will not allow myself to imagine ...(without adult supervision)
242. bubbaette - 2/13/2001 2:02:48 PM
Ve haf vays.
243. Al D - 2/13/2001 2:03:41 PM
DXTC
What ever happened to Angel-5?
244. theDiva - 2/13/2001 2:04:02 PM
labwab
not you, honey.
245. labwabbit - 2/13/2001 2:19:25 PM
Diva...x!
Hey, btw, did you get the 'treatment' from Greg?
246. theDiva - 2/13/2001 2:27:16 PM
ohhh....yes, I meant to tell you! It was sublime. He walked away with renewed respect for my travails. Thanks for the tip.
247. labwabbit - 2/13/2001 2:32:12 PM
You're very welcome dear one.
When "A" would appear grumpy or feeling ragged, it never failed to bring a smile and appreciation.
;->
248. Jenerator - 2/13/2001 3:55:52 PM
ycmeehan,
Message # 233
What a riot!;-)
249. ycmeehan - 2/13/2001 4:45:31 PM
I am relieved, Jen. I always have second thoughts about what I post, usually the second it can't be retrieved. You're so good-natured. When I was your age, I am afraid that I would have been insulted had I received such a suggestion. I would have thought that my morals were in question.
Young women are smarter these days about matters of sex. I mean, at least, they can take a joke about it.
Anyway, our dear Dr. Coltrane has rewarded me for my efforts yesterday with two posts.
250. Uzmakk - 2/13/2001 4:50:10 PM
ycmeehan:
you made a comment back thread about not cooking well because...whatever. I consider myself a good cook, but I take greatest pride in being able to prepare a good meal when my wife says that there is nothing in the house.
251. ycmeehan - 2/13/2001 5:13:57 PM
Uzmakk,
And you should, cooking is an art and men are better at it than women, so my brother says. His working life is about food. He believes that men have less preconceived ideas about cooking than women do--and that is because boys do not hang around the kitchen learning how to cook from their mother--therefore they are more inventive and daring. Maybe Jeannot's theory is valid since most world great chefs are men.
252. JudithAtHome - 2/13/2001 5:15:24 PM
I learned how to make the very best Kraft Macaroni and Cheese from my mom in the kitchen...luckily, Keoni can cook really well.
253. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/13/2001 6:22:48 PM
A solicitous reader wonders
Are pregnant women like the Buddha?
The good doctor believes strangers should keep their hands to themselves. Many the time I remember the story of a young actress (whose name escapes Dr. Coltrane at the present) who, because an eager fan laid hands upon her personage, contracted German measles with tragic results.
It is passing strange that were I to caress an unfamiliar woman's breasts or were an unfamiliar woman to grasp my nether region's manroot inquisitively, all hell would break lose...but fondling a tumescent tummy is considered perfectly acceptable in the modern world. Surely no organ is more sexual than an engorged womb.
So, good people, keep your hands to yourself unless invited to polish Mother Nature's big apple. And should you be the victim of an unsolicited grope, treat it as you would a goosing of your ass.
As to the "why," I do believe it indicates sexual repression.
254. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/13/2001 6:26:47 PM
An incessant reader quarrels...
Dr. Coltrane, do you think you are God?
No.
Now, have I told you about my bunion?
255. Uzmakk - 2/13/2001 6:28:24 PM
In my experience pregnant women are perfectly happy to have casual acquaintences fondle their Buddhabellies.
258. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/13/2001 6:32:52 PM
A loyal reader debates...
Dr. Coltrane, which is worse: global domination or rampant commercialism?
Good question, sir. Global domination is worse, but it has a certain class to it.
Even so, the good doctor's mother is the person single-handedly responsible for mailing out all those AOL CDs to prospective clients, whereas the Coltrane family has no pecuniary interest in Microsoft. So hate Microsoft worse, my friend, unless you want to see another old codger consigned to social security.
262. ChristinO - 2/13/2001 8:00:29 PM
Dr. X,
The actress you were trying to recall is actually a character played by Elizabeth Taylor in the Agatha Christie film The Mirror Cracked. I believe the detective in that film is Miss Marple.
264. rubberducky - 2/14/2001 11:16:00 AM
Dear Prof X
thank you for allowing me to channel my hatred towards a deserving company - may i still burn my AOHell disks and break the CDs that still come in the mail and in magazines in effigy?
thanks so much
Hating in Hoboken
265. JudithAtHome - 2/14/2001 11:34:33 AM
Ducks...no need to wait for the good doctor. I know what he will say....yes, burning discs that come in books and magazines is a GOOD thing, similar to deleting posts.
266. rubberducky - 2/14/2001 11:43:02 AM
and if it were just magazines - my hatred would be much less
but, no
they must spam my snail mail box as well
what is a boy to do?
267. JudithAtHome - 2/14/2001 11:46:54 AM
Put those little suckers in the microwave...it makes quite a light show, let me tell ya'.
268. ycmeehan - 2/15/2001 6:28:03 AM
Dear D. Coltrane,
In the past Valentine's Days the last five years, I have been known to open presents gingerly but to forget to read the Valentine cards. Yesterday, I opened the gifts as I usually do but didn't forget the card. There was none around, however.
Later, looking up from reading the Mote, I see this card pinned on the wall: A card with a red background and the word 'sex' repeated four times in big gray letters. In smaller black letters, the message says: To the one I married. I love you very much and I just want you to know that WHATEVER we do on Valentine's Day is okay with me! Inside the card, it continues this way: So, did any ideas pop into your head or anything? Happy Valentine's Day!
Then, written :All my love.
Are there a couple of subtle or not too subtle messages in this card, Dr.? First of all, this sentence: 'To the one I married', What does that mean exactly? Does he give Valentine cards to the ones he didn't not? True, I wanted to marry him. At the time he hesitated to accept my offer and told his children that he was afraid to lose his best friend, me, if we married. His rationale was that marriage destroys long-term relationships. Silly idea as it turned out.
Okay, now, what about the rest of the card? I am already exhausted and I don't like pills. Please advise.
Best regards,
269. Jenerator - 2/15/2001 10:23:28 AM
ycmeehan,
It was signed by your husband, right?;-)
(I love cards!)
270. RosettaStone - 2/16/2001 1:52:16 PM
Dear Doctor:
Why do the Spanish pronouncate "Jesus" differently from other European languages?
271. labwabbit - 2/16/2001 2:20:53 PM
"A loyal reader debates..."
Hahahaha.
"270. RosettaStone -2/16/01 6:52:16 PM
Dear Doctor:
Why do the Spanish pronouncate "Jesus" differently from other European languages? "
hahahahaha.
272. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/16/2001 3:50:02 PM
An overwrought reader babbles incohrently
Dr. Coltrane, I'm all confused. Please help me understand my big man.
Clarify what you meant by not liking pills because I am thinking about prescribing you some that a horse would have trouble swallowing.
It sounds to the good doctor as though you have been depriving this long-suffering man of a proper outlet for his tremendous sexual energy. Hence, it is no wonder that the thought has entered your mind that he is sending Valentine's elsewhere other than the wall you two share.
You have to remember that when he made the little speech you describe he was talking to his children, so he could not say all that was on his mind. There is a metaphor in where he pinned that Valentine. The pin represents his penis--or what he feels is left of it--and the wall represents the resistance he has encountered to it. He does not want to be married just to his friend, but it sounds as though you think of this marriage as a way of advancing and enhancing friendship.
It is. Because now you have a friend you can also have sex with.
I prescribe it four times in the next 24 hours and then check back with me with a full status report.
273. Jenerator - 2/16/2001 3:57:51 PM
Dr. Coltrane,
It's been said that Marcus Schenkenberg is too girlie and not smart. If I were to admire a real panty-boy man, who would be better (more manly and intelligent):
Gabe Kapler
Dwayne Johnson (the Rock)
288. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/18/2001 5:14:50 PM
A consistent reader queries
Gabe Kapler or the Rock?
The good doctor sez...
The Rock.
Better action figure. Yet Dr. Coltrane wonders again why a young bride-to-be should be interested in panty boys or action figures. I suspect that you have many unanswered questions about your groom, and those are the affairs you should be consulting with me about.
Let us cut to the chase, dear Jenerator. Is the battery dead on your new toy before you have even unwrapped the package?
289. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/18/2001 5:27:00 PM
Due to the low quantity and quality of questions the good doctor has been receiving, I am considering asking the questions from now on as well as providing the answers. My first question is...
Dr. Coltrane, which person of the Mote is most likely to be abducted by aliens and why?
I shall entertain other's answers before providing the correct response in a future column.
290. joezan - 2/18/2001 8:56:14 PM
Only man is narcissistic enough to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light years in spacecraft without windows, and then upon landing our planet, that their first impulse is to get into some hick's ass with a flashlight.
--Dennis Miller
291. vw - 2/18/2001 9:08:57 PM
Well, I have a question: If you are going to both ask and answer the questions why do you need the rest of us? Couldn't the process just be streamlined by looking at yourself in the bathroom mirror each morning and handling it all there?
297. MsIvoryTower - 2/18/2001 10:59:25 PM
Dr. X
I think your question should be qualified by who we'd like to see abducted by aliens, rather than who's most likely to be abducted.
Or possibly who we think would most like to be abducted by aliens.
298. Fielding - 2/18/2001 11:10:13 PM
Or which thread host.
299. khaval alazman - 2/19/2001 9:28:17 AM
Dear Doctor,
I live in a society with few reeeally good looking men. Occasionally, however, there is one who tickles my fancy (of course, I speak metaphorically, because a stranger would discover my knee in his woofie, should he be so bold as to tickle any part of me without saying "hello" first).
To make life difficult, I also live in a society which does not encourage dialogue between strangers (it is an ANglo culture).
So Doctor - and anyone else - what suggestions do you have for embarking on a conversation with a metaphorical tickler in order rthat he might one day tickle literally?
300. alistairconnor - 2/19/2001 9:52:02 AM
Oh dear...
That reminds me of an "Aussie joke" that people tell in New Zealand...
What does an Aussie girl put behind her ears to attract an Aussie man? ...
301. khaval alazman - 2/19/2001 10:02:54 AM
*LOL*
That's filthy, Alistair...
But not as filthy as the billion odd "sheep" jokes Aussies enjoy telling about New Zealanders. :)
303. rubberducky - 2/19/2001 11:38:02 AM
Dear Prof X
it strikes this long time reader as odd to hear you complain of quantity of questions (as you did in Message # 289) when you don't answer all of the ones posted, as my Message # 264 shows.
can you (a) answer my original question and, perhaps, (b) explain why my question wasn't of sufficient quality.
thanks ever so much
Confused in Calcutta
304. bubbaette - 2/19/2001 11:49:36 AM
She was a regular party-in-a-can
I love this expression.
305. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/19/2001 11:44:54 PM
A Dennis Miller fan comments
But Dr. Coltrane, would aliens really be interested in my ass?
Remember the lesson of the conquistadores, my friend. One man's fecal matter may be another man's El Dorado.
306. vw - 2/19/2001 11:50:07 PM
Dr.X
Does this mean my posts will not be excommunicated and sent of to the hinter lands of the Inferno?
A Mote Newbie
307. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/19/2001 11:59:03 PM
An incredulous reader sounds the heavens...
The reason for your existence is self-evident, Dr. Coltrane, but why are the rest of us here?
Something exists only if a consciousness apprehends it, truthseeker.
308. vw - 2/20/2001 12:03:34 AM
(grin) I deserved that. Thank you Dr.
309. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 12:19:33 AM
A cerebral reader asks...
Dr. Coltrane, I've thought a lot about alien abduction in connection with the posters here. So before I can answer the question, I need some clarification.
Well, my lovely intellectual, the good doctor is nothing if not generous to a fault. Answer as you prefer, and I will consider effort before issuing final grades.
310. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 12:28:32 AM
An interesting reader begins...
How would a sophisticated woman approach a man like you, Dr. Coltrane, and hope to have a reasonable degree of success?
Excellent question. And with such an excellent question, the good doctor likes to have as much information as possible before answering.
You have certainly come to the right place for advice, my perplexed friend. I will start by saying that flirtatious dalliances are the opposite of scents: a woman may wear a strong scent, but must be subtle in her approach, like a huntress stalking a strutting peacock. (The male of the species on the other hand is wise to always keep his intentions more robust than his odor.)
More than that, I hesitate to say without knowing additional details. Say on, dear reader.
311. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 12:37:07 AM
To my longtime reader:
The good doctor has no complaints with your questions per se, my good friend, but I most enjoy giving out interpersonal relationship advice.
As for your unanswered question about disks and CDs, I suggest you can come up with a more constructive use of them than contributing to the destruction of the environment.
For example, the CDs make excellent coasters and balances. Place one under that table leg that is just a might short. Let the Martha Stewart in you run amok!
312. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 12:47:02 AM
As a follow up to that last post, many phillistine readers wonder why the good doctor is so ruthless about ejecting the riff-raffish flotsam and jetsam from his thread. To be sure I would like to be the devil-may-care sort of host who lets his guests wander about his home enjoying the decor and chatting about their tiresome little lives, while bemudding my fine Persian rugs and flicking ashes on my pets, but, friends, this is a doctor's office, not the deck of the Enterprise.
Unlike those fictitious medical dramas one sees on TV, I have to run a tight, professional ship, lest Japanese students and such be cast hither and yon in my wake. Nothing grieves the good doctor like leaving the valid question of a loyal reader unanswered because of the desultry distractions of aimless chatterers.
So I hope I shall not have to say this again: in the words of the immortal Bryan Adams, "Everything I do, I do it for you."
Onward and upward. Hey, hey, what, what.
313. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 11:37:00 AM
Loyal readers will note the good doctor has changed his shingle in order to create a more convivial atmoshpere.
I am also thinking of taking on an intern in the practice as I am unable to keep the hours that once were my wont. Any snappy go-getter who does not mind emptying badpans for little recognition and less praise but will slave for the chance to rub shoulders with greatness can apply here or via email: drxaviertcolrane@yahoo.com.
I am, of course, an equal opportunity employer and will be quite pleased to take on a female assistant. The ideal qualities in such an assistant are subservient toadyism (think Waylon Smithers or Honey from Doonsebury).
314. theDiva - 2/20/2001 11:38:27 AM
well, that lets me out. I tend to smack my bosses around.
315. theDiva - 2/20/2001 11:39:03 AM
or smack around my bosses.
God, either way it sounds shitty. But you take my meaning.
316. JudithAtHome - 2/20/2001 12:04:46 PM
I see a job for Rosetta....perfect.
317. cmboyce - 2/20/2001 12:07:31 PM
Well, no, actually, Diva. I'd say you are downright confusing. At first I thought you meant that you smack your bosses' rounds, and I said to myself, "Hmm, peculiar diction". But then, the second version, with its intransitive "smack", while showing more somewhat more respect for authority, seems to refer to gratuitously sloppy table manners. Do you add insult to injury?
318. theDiva - 2/20/2001 12:12:14 PM
Well. I have impeccable table manners, so that can't be it. I suppose I was trying to say, in a more polite way, that I smack/slap my bosses when they get too uppity.
319. cmboyce - 2/20/2001 12:18:09 PM
Ah good. That's a relief. And probably for them, too, in this postpathopeuticalistic age.
320. Jenerator - 2/20/2001 2:42:34 PM
Dr. Coltrane,
Bryan Adams is a Canadian rock icon, any particular reason for posting his lyrics?
Furthermore, I must clarify, my soon-to-be-spouse and I are doing fine. I needed your help regarding pantyboys because Fielding had accused Sckenkenberg of being inadequate. I assure you that I am quite happy, and I only look at pictures of Marcus when forced to.
Doctor, I have a weird sense of curiosity. If you were to switch places with a female for a day, who would you choose and why?
321. KuligintheHooligan - 2/20/2001 3:58:55 PM
weird doesn't begin to describe it
322. rubberducky - 2/20/2001 4:03:29 PM
why is it, should there be a swap, that the good doctor would automatically have to choose from only men?
323. KuligintheHooligan - 2/20/2001 4:08:00 PM
"I only look at pictures of Marcus when forced to."
Jenerator, that is almost as believable as your earlier "I can't buy a sexy nightie for my beau for Valentine's because we aren't married yet" schtick!
Do you deliver these tongue-in-cheek, or do you actually expect us to believe them?
I too have a weird sense of curiosity I suppose. :-)
324. PelleNilsson - 2/20/2001 4:24:49 PM
Dear Doc,
Please analyse Kuligin's obsession with jenerator, its causes and possible remedies.
325. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 4:41:20 PM
A reader who has watched the "Crying Game" one too many times considers...
If you could take a walk on the wildside, Dr. Coltrane, whose walking shoes would you borrow?
The good doctor suspects there is more to this question than meets the eye and that it reveals more about the questioner than one with less wisdom than I would divine.
Nonetheless, I make it a practice of not revealing my patients' confidences--even when they may have given these confidences perhaps unwittingly.
As for yours truly, I cannot imagine wishing to be anyone but myself. Even on days when my arthritis is flaring up and the pain is such that deleting extraneous posts is not worth the effort my wracked joints must endure.
Perhaps being a female for a day would be a worthwhile endeavor for intellectual curiosity's sake. Just think of the good I could do my feminine patients having seen life from both sides of the gender line. So as long as we are engaging in the level of disbelief that such a question implies, I suppose my answer would be...
Wonder Woman.
326. JudithAtHome - 2/20/2001 4:47:33 PM
Try a little senna tea; it's just what you need.
327. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/20/2001 4:50:47 PM
A late-to-the-party subscriber asks...
Dr. Coltrane, please apply your years of Jungian study to the psyche of Mr. Hooligan
My friend, I have not encountered this Kuligin fellow enough to ascertain his specific motives. But why does a young man usually prefer the company of a young woman?
Perhaps Jenerator is JudithAtHome in another life and KuliginHooligan is RosettaStone.
Ahhh...it reminds the good doctor of "Ode on a Grecian Urn."
Bold Lover, never, never canst thou kiss,
Though winning near the goal—yet, do not grieve;
She cannot fade, though thou hast not thy bliss,
For ever wilt thou love, and she be fair!
332. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/22/2001 4:01:34 PM
Time is running out.
See message 289.
336. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/22/2001 5:35:25 PM
In cleaning up after some meleeing unwelcome guests, the good doctor inadvertendly moved this portion of a post that was actually relevant to the topic by the toothsome Jenerator:
Dr. Coltrane,
I was asking you a question in order to know more about you on a
pyschological level. I appreciate your answer. Although I expected a
more creative one, I can fully respect that you'd want to remain
yourself.
337. JudithAtHome - 2/22/2001 6:05:49 PM
Sorry to sully your sacred quarters, Doc..."unwelcome guests", huh?
Nice...I see you are not affiliated with an HMO.
338. Marlhins - 2/22/2001 6:36:17 PM
meleeing, dear Judith.
339. JudithAtHome - 2/22/2001 6:37:31 PM
Yes, I'll try in future to keep the meleeing to a minimum.
340. Uzmakk - 2/22/2001 7:46:42 PM
Dr. Coltrane:
I am grateful for the gentle hand that brought me here. Your very own hand, Doctor. Thank you for your gentle hand, your far ranging eye, and your heart as big as all outdoors.
At any rate, Doctor, now that I am in your office I feel that I should ask you the question that I had intended to ask a Blake scholar.
Would I be over stepping my bounds, would I be somehow misguided in offering two of the largest brass ball-bearings that I can lay my hands on enclosed in a small leather chest labelled "The Balls of William Blake"?
Now, I ask not whether this will be popular, or whether it will sell, or anything like that, I simply ask whether it will be apt.
I await your reply, kind Doctor.
341. marshame - 2/22/2001 9:07:11 PM
Dear Dr.
I am new here, (well not really, I'm actually an old timer from the Fray Days, but I haven't been posting much since you showed up). Oh, no offense. I didn't mean to imply that when you showed up I took a hike. No, honest, I didn't mean that. That would be mean. And I never mean to be mean. I just am. and since it is natural, it's okay, right?
Anyhow, doc, here's my question. My daughter Jenerator is getting married soon, and she and her groom to be keep trying to make decisions when I have told them pointedly and repeatedly, in fact I've told them point-blank and more than once that *I* am in charge here.
Most of the time they cooperate, although I hate that wispering thing they do. But how can I get them to change and simply do what I say when I say it in the manner I mean for it to be, like I shouldn't have to tell them, they should already *know*?
Eagerly awaiting your advice,
Marshame, the MOTB
342. marshame - 2/22/2001 9:15:23 PM
Oh, and doc, do you prefer to be called
"Have ee air," or "Eks have ee air"? I wouldn't want to be improper.
343. Jenerator - 2/23/2001 12:10:18 PM
Marshame,
You may have total control as of today.
344. Uzmakk - 2/23/2001 12:13:21 PM
There's a good daughter.
345. Jenerator - 2/23/2001 12:16:30 PM
Thank you Uzmakk. And besides, what could happen in a week?;-)
352. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/24/2001 7:43:12 PM
A scrambled elevator music-listening reader requests...
Most wise and worldy doctor, share with us your expertise about the genius William Blake and his testicles.
Like the good doctor, the Bard of Lambeth was such an imaginative and creative titan for his day that many thought him perhaps crossing the line between intellectual superman and madman. In fact, I have written a long poem in homage to that nudist, a snippet from memory of which I shall quote here.
William, William, writing great
Prophecies that ache one's pate
Can you spare us all the strain
Won't you make your meaning plain?
Perhaps a rummage through my collected writings will locate said verse so that I can post it in its entirety in a future column.
Meanwhile, to your glandular problem. I think this bric-a-brass an excellent idea and would quite likely buy a set of such fine balls myself. Would it be out of place to ask whether you would offer a polishing service for them from time to time?
The good doctor appreciates your most courteous inquiry. You are both a gentleman and a scholar.
353. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/24/2001 7:55:05 PM
A new reader solicits...
How should you like us to refer to you, Dr. Coltrane? And as a less significant query, what is the proper role for a mother in her daughter's weeding?
The good doctor's first name is pronounced X ha vee r.
The important thing you must remember, (hopefully soon-to-be) granny, is that you must stay on the happy side with your daughter and new son-in-law. Someday these people will be deciding what to do with you, you know, so save up the guilt currency for something truly significant, rather than spending it recklessly on the wedding now. In fact, now is a good opportunity to accumulate new coinage. Let your daughter know what you want, but then let her have her own way. "Of course it is her wedding," you say, "nevermind about me. It's not like I carried you for 9 months in my body or anything. Oh well, you'll understand what it's like to be me someday when you have a daughter of your own."
Later on, you will have many reservoirs to call upon when they start talking about "the home."
As a side note, another item of significance is the off that will spring from this union. Nothing pleases like grandchildren (the good doctor can speak of this from his own experience), so by all means do not do anything to endanger your access to the rugrats. Remember that courts have decided you and I have no rights in such a situation and must depend on the generosity of our disrespectful whippersnappers.
354. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 2/24/2001 7:57:20 PM
Now, gentle readers, best submit our entries to the question "Which person at this Mote is most likely to be abducted by aliens?" soon.
The good doctor will be providing the correct answer in his next column.
355. ee - 2/24/2001 8:05:44 PM
342. marshame - 2/22/01 6:15:23 PM
Oh, and doc, do you prefer to be called
"Have ee air," or "Eks have ee air"? I wouldn't want to be improper 
You talkin ta me
356. marshame - 2/25/2001 11:37:09 AM
Eks-Have-ee-air
You are truly wise.
Following up on these words of wisdom, I have purchased a small, 3x5 card file, and I am filling out a card for each instance in which I could claim that my daughter *owes* me. I have also filled in some for past events, such as giving birth, getting her vaccinated, etc. I plan to start a new box every 1,000 incidents or 6 months, whichever comes first.
Once talk of "a home" starts, I will gift her and the husband with my set of files (of course I'll have an identical set locked in a safe that only my attorney has the combination of.)
Anyhow, thanks for the terrific, not to mention practical advice!!
PS Wow, you look like Robert DeNiro in your picture!
That is such a terrific idea!
357. marshame - 2/25/2001 11:37:48 AM
toys
358. marshame - 2/25/2001 11:38:13 AM
toys
359. bubbaette - 2/25/2001 1:58:54 PM
Doc
How deep should plant perenniel salvia seeds?
360. bubbaette - 2/25/2001 1:59:14 PM
"I" plant, that is.
361. ee - 2/26/2001 12:34:49 AM
Hey, I know I closed that that tag on 355.
Dr xtc why you mess up my post?
362. Uzmakk - 3/1/2001 7:17:45 PM
Dr. Coltrane:
I fear that you have been abducted by aliens. If this is true, how will you let us know. I know that you are an ingeneous man.
363. MsIvoryTower - 3/3/2001 12:51:03 AM
Person most likely to be abducted by aliens: Lemwalker.
Person I'd most like to see abducted by aliens: Stone.
Person who'd most like to be abducted by aliens: Doc Brown.
364. PsychProf - 3/3/2001 12:04:16 PM
Person most likely to be abducted by aliens: Jade Gold
Person I'd most like to see abducted by aliens: Cazart
Person who'd most like to be abducted by aliens:
Dr XTC
365. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/3/2001 1:13:30 PM
A gardening reader wonders...
Your green thumb is all the talk of this Mote, Dr. Coltrane. How deep would a horticulturist such as yourself plant salvia seeds?
Salvia seeds should be surface sown, madam.
366. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/3/2001 1:29:17 PM
In answering the question of which of us would most likely be abducted by aliens, the good doctor applies his reasoning powers just the same as he would any problem requiring deduction. If aliens are abducting humans, then we can cogitate several facts and assumptions about the invading aliens.
To arrive here they would have to have great intelligence because they have overcome the problems of intergalactic travel. I think it is fair to say then, they are not selecting specimens on the basis of brain power, because their knowledge and wisdom would already exceed that of the greatest mind of our race (Dr. Coltrane himself), so that puts the good doctor out of the running.
No, it is far more likely they either want to study the average homo sapien, or a homo sapien that interests them due to its aberrative behavior. If they want to study the average of our species, then their selection will be made quasi randomly, like the superior scientists they are. Nonetheless, we can predict to some degree that this apparently random selection will fall upon the person here most likely to be locatable by the alien's tracking device.
The good doctor suggests that person would be Judith@Home, as she has already given away her location to would-be captors. Also, she is no doubt slow moving given the degree to which she enjoys a good snack now and then. Perfect combination for most likely herd thinning.
From what I have been able to judge of her behavior, she also would follow the aliens around insisting that they abduct her. Unless they had the Job-like patience of yours truly, they would no doubt accede to her demands out of sheer irritation.
367. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/3/2001 1:34:05 PM
On the other hand, if our intergalactic travellers sought not the most common representative of our species, but rather had come to study the oddball, the exception, the most unusual, the misfit, the slacker, the mutant, the black sheep, the curio, then doubtlessly they would choose the Rosetta Stone creature.
The good doctor suspects it would be Judith@Home, but perhaps fortune would smile and there would be room for both specimens in their cargo hold.
What, what?
368. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/3/2001 1:41:11 PM
I have not seen this Lemwalker fellow. What are his credentials as alien bait?
369. Uzmakk - 3/3/2001 1:54:00 PM
But Dr. Coltrane, what if the aliens had evolved for deep space travel, a sort of great fishes of the void scenario, or like the great giant floating sweet potato episode of Star Trek?
370. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/3/2001 2:08:07 PM
Muzakk, my good fellow, I appreciate your earlier concern for the good doctor's well-being.
How are William Blake's balls today?
I am relocating my office to a more rural practice in the hinterlands, but once I have unpacked all my files I will provide you with the rest of the verses to my Blake homage.
371. Uzmakk - 3/3/2001 2:16:31 PM
Dr.:
There is little change in Blake's balls, being of brass and all. They are fine as usual. I look forward to the rest of your homage and am glad that no harm has come to you.
372. lemwalker - 3/4/2001 11:11:11 AM
I tried to capture aliens once. Put some mannequins in the cow pasture and hid in the bushes all night. About froze to death. The stupid cows knocked some of them over by using them as scratching post. May try it again in summer, but am moving the darn cows first.
373. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/4/2001 2:12:38 PM
For my good friend, Uzmakk:
374. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/4/2001 2:15:00 PM
The good doctor should point out that the above poem perhaps overly much relies on a knowledgeable reader. Only a person of letters and an authority on Blakean scholarship such as myself can truly appreciate it.
375. JudithAtHome - 3/4/2001 2:19:22 PM
Don't bet the ranch on that, Dr.X...
376. ranheim - 3/4/2001 2:57:33 PM
Dr. Can you give me answers to these questions?
1)Why is Al Gore's pension $94,800 yearly? Don't you find that just a touch high.
2) Title IX : Isn't it about time to ammend this abomination. 350 men's sports programs have been eliminated in the past 10 years (or so). Women's programs galore have been added. So much so that major colleges are actively recruiting any warm body that will go out for a sport. Skill has nothing to do with the recruitment. The major colleges just want warm bodies. Seems as though college aged girls aren't that interested in competive athletics at the college level.
3) War On Drugs. USA taxpayers have spent $146 billion on this program since 1990. 1998 is the last for which figures are available. Opiate deaths in the USA = 3,141; "psychostimulants" accounted for 166 deaths; hallucinogens only 3.
This in contrast to about 40,000 traffic related deaths caused by alcohol + 19,515 non-traffic related deaths. Add an estimated 430,000 tobacco related deaths.
All this comes from the Sunday issue of the Alexandria (LA) Town Talk. Editorial page.
377. Uzmakk - 3/4/2001 3:05:13 PM
Dr:
I am in awe.
378. Uzmakk - 3/4/2001 3:06:59 PM
Dr? You penned this when a student at college?
379. Uzmakk - 3/5/2001 12:04:41 PM
No, no, no, Doctor. That would be too ordinary for a being as wise as yourself. I am certain that you penned it while still suckling at your mother's breast.
380. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/5/2001 1:28:53 PM
> I am certain that you penned it while still suckling at your mother's breast.
Sulking, my good man, sulking upon my mother's breast.
381. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/5/2001 1:32:18 PM
A troubled reader wonders about a world of woe
Dr. Coltrane, why do you not apply your talents to the world of politics and fix all that is wrong with the American government?
My column keeps me very busy, good sir, but I shall consider solutions to the three difficulties you enumerated once my staff briefs the good doctor with the proper research.
I shall get back to you shortly regarding all three thorny thistles.
382. Uzmakk - 3/5/2001 3:31:01 PM
Dr. Coltrane:
I believe I can picture you in the form of the baby named Stewy(?) in The Family Guy. You have been a great help to me, and I shall return to consult you in times of confusion. Bless you, Doctor.
383. RustlerPike - 3/7/2001 4:22:21 AM
Dr., I have an obsession with things Israeli and Jewish. I cannot help posting on these subjects and them alone. What can be done about this? I feel -abnormal.
A prompt answer would be appreciated. I am in pain.
384. Jenerator - 3/7/2001 10:31:03 AM
Rp,
Don't change! Your "obsession" is informative and interesting.
385. RustlerPike - 3/8/2001 5:27:19 AM
Thank you Jen. Maybe I should have a subthread of my own? I do feel a tad guilty sometimes about how nothing else seems to interest me. But on the other hand - I think you guys have, in me, your own reporter-cum-analyst-cum-local politicker-cum-extremely sexy man, and if I were a Moter from, say, the US, I would be happy to read what such a person has to say on the subject of the Middle East, which is probably the most covered subject, internationally.
I mean, compare The Mote's coverage of the Mideast through me to that of, say, Flore de Preneuf of Salon or the doofus who writes (wrote?) for Slate from Israel. I'm much better. And I've shown you my chest hairs, which Flore could never do (I hope, for her sake).
386. ScottLoar - 3/8/2001 5:32:29 AM
The slightest tad of introspection I've ever read from RustlerPike who finally, finally realizes he may have but a bit of a compulsive problem in that "nothing else seems to interest me" but Israel.
387. Uzmakk - 3/8/2001 8:24:22 AM
Yes, yes Loar! He is our mad and obsessive Israeli. He posts on international and talks about Israel. What could be better? Had you lived earlier I can see you following Beethoven around trying to convince him to take up tennis.
BTW, I don't believe that Dr. Coltrane has licensed either of you to give advice on his thread.
388. ScottLoar - 3/8/2001 9:51:46 AM
No, for Beethoven had bad breath, a chronically growling stomach, and farted uncontrollably.
389. rubberducky - 3/8/2001 10:02:50 AM
no wonder people still love the classics
390. RustlerPike - 3/8/2001 11:46:12 AM
No, for Beethoven had bad breath, a chronically growling stomach, and farted uncontrollably.
Says who?
391. Jenerator - 3/8/2001 12:32:55 PM
Rp,
There's nothing wrong with being interested in the country you live in. For most of us, watching the news about the hostilities between the Israelis and Palestinians is something far away and unsolveable. You bring it closer to home and I appreciate your insight!
Besides, how long did we have to wade through posts about Indonesia in that thread...speaking of obsession.
392. arkymalarky - 3/8/2001 6:07:40 PM
Says Mrs. Beethoven?
393. RustlerPike - 3/9/2001 3:43:45 AM
I'm actually interested in knowing if that was just a Loarism or if Beethoven really suffered from UFS.
399. ScottLoar - 3/9/2001 9:14:23 AM
RustlerPike, a splendid opportunity for you to slouch away from Irael and Israelis! Move your own hands and look into Beethoven's own words and perhaps you can see also how his physical distemper was reflected in his music.
400. RustlerPike - 3/9/2001 9:59:42 AM
Move your own hands and look into Beethoven's own words and perhaps you can see also how his physical distemper was reflected in his music.
You're a riddler, Loar. What are you saying?
426. rubberducky - 3/12/2001 11:45:47 AM
Dear Doc
i'm a long time fan, but don't you think it's time to retire this thread?
427. janjon - 3/12/2001 11:47:25 AM
This thread would be zipping along if it weren't for one fact - the good Doctor is never in.
439. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/13/2001 11:37:53 AM
(Gentle readerfolk: Some hereabouts mistake quantity for quality.)
An obsessed cowpoke clutters my thread with his obsession
Dr. Coltrane, can you straighten me out before I wind up standing outside Al-Aqsa with a stick of dynamite and an Uzi?
The good doctor suggests that you have taken the first step toward a cure by recognizing you have a problem. Remember what our illustrious President had to say on this subject. Mistrust and hatred among people of different faiths and ethnicities cause most of the contemporary world's problems.
The next step is are you married? If not, consider this frisky Jenerator who seems so taken with you. True, she has her own honeymoon to attend but the good doctor suspects that in the long run that relationship is headed for rocky waters. Catch her on the rebound, my friend. Nothing like a goyim to cure you of your overzealous Judaism.
440. Dr.XavierTColtrane - 3/13/2001 12:08:26 PM
The good doctor will also take a moment to remind his readership that in the interest of maintaining the integrity of this institution, off-topic bantering and other chattering chin music will not be tolerated hereabouts. Evidently the local gendarmes allow all sorts of disruption to the good people of this Mote whilst busying themselves shaking down local shopkeepers such as yours truly for doughnut money.
I have a delete button and enjoy using it.
Now to more productive conversation.
Dr. Coltrane, I am in the market for a new car and the sky's the limit. What can you recommend for an auto buff like me who wants the best of everything in one machine?
The good doctor will throw this discussion open to the floor. Then I will return later to provide the correct answer.
And as always, dear friends, I am happy to answer your challenging questions. Remember, the advice is free and the best you will ever receive.
Ta-ta for now.
441. JudithAtHome - 3/13/2001 12:10:21 PM
toys?
442. JudithAtHome - 3/13/2001 12:11:22 PM
Here's some advice: close your tags next time.
443. RustlerPike - 3/14/2001 3:26:16 AM
Nothing like a goyim to cure you of your overzealous Judaism.
No such thing as 'a goyim', Dr. X. There's 'a goy' or 'goyim'. Jen is a wonderfully sexy non-Jew, that is true. So is my wife, and she has repeatedly threatened to cut off my penis if it should ever stray. She is a farm girl, handy (and amazingly accurate) with an axe, and I think she is capable of carrying the threat out.
But I'm glad you're back. Please pay more attention to this thread and do not leave your toys unpickedup.
444. RustlerPike - 3/14/2001 3:28:27 AM
Btw - 'cowpoke'?
445. DocBrown - 3/14/2001 3:01:59 PM
Somebody wants the best of everything in one fantastic new automobile?
Who doesn't?
If to you "The best of everything" means the same as "sports car" then you need to check out the Acura NSX. Too bad they don't make new ones this year. Lamborghini makes a cute little number, I hear.
If you prefer luxury cars, get a new Lexus. Even if the sky really is your limit, Lexus is the name to know. Although the Saab Viggen is a sweet car this year . . .
If the sky is not really the limit, may I humbly suggest the Daewoo Leganza. With Guigaro doing the body and Lotus & Porsche teaming up for the engineering, that car should be seeling for twice the price. Not a road burner, but a very attractive piece of machinery.
446. JudithAtHome - 3/14/2001 3:04:20 PM
I think so, too...saw one the other day and it looked really classy.
I like that new Lexus convertible...the ads are great!
447. seadate - 3/14/2001 3:07:01 PM
DocB,
So how 'bout a Ford truck review.
448. janjon - 3/14/2001 3:08:16 PM
Lexus convertible, eh. That reminds me of that great movie, Three Kings
They don't make 'em like that anymore.
449. Indiana Jones - 3/14/2001 3:12:22 PM
Too bad they don't make new ones this year.
Doc: Why not?
450. JudithAtHome - 3/14/2001 3:16:28 PM
Doc:
Well, what is that Lexus called which has the removable top? Or rather, according to the ad, the hard top which comes up out of the trunk and attaches in a most unusual way, like a robot from Terminator or something.
451. DocBrown - 3/14/2001 3:51:56 PM
The new Lexus SC Hardtop Convertible is a beautiful car. There is a cool flash movie of the top in operation at that website.
I checked it out at the Cleveland Auto Show last week. It is now my favorite Lexus. Fits me like a glove.
Technically, Acura claims that they do make new NSXs this year. It is just difficult to get them. At the auto show this year, the Acura company itself was showing a used NSX with no window sticker. The Acura guy at the booth said they could not spare a new one for the show!
For the sake of prestige, the aluminum-bodied exotic NSX supercar has not been discontinued. But as far as Doc Brown is concerned, it is out of production during 2001. Maybe if the Japanese economy picks up . . .
452. Indiana Jones - 3/14/2001 4:01:47 PM
Thanks for the info, Doc. Have to scratch the NSX off my stocking stuffer list for this Christmas.
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