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7503. alistairconnor - 7/23/2009 8:00:43 PM hmmm. So the Canadian system is better than the French system. Goddam socialists. 7504. robertjayb - 7/30/2009 12:54:17 AM Lots of ink today about a supposed deal democrats have reached to appease the blue dogs (republicans lite). I'm dubious. Single-payer hasn't been mentioned in so long I think it can be presumed dead. That is a shameful victory for greedy pols and the tv screechers. The vote will not come until fall, but I don't expect improvement. 7505. wabbit - 7/30/2009 3:03:31 PM Institute term limits and eliminate lifetime benefits for elected pols. Bring them back into the real world and see if they can't wrap their heads around the health insurance issue. 7506. arkymalarky - 8/24/2009 3:00:00 AM Reposted from the Cafe:
I don't see any good argument for keeping insurance companies. Means test everything and force all parts of the med profession to compete directly rather than thru insurance companies. 7507. wabbit - 8/25/2009 1:09:21 AM Copied from the Cafe:
25522. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 3:17:27 AM Here is my FaceBook page. I wrote something on it a few hours ago. Erased it. And put it back up because it was eating at me.
"That weird feeling I got in the restaurant is still on my mind. Got up and left. No, not a bellyache. Tingly weird. Must have been the ants crawling all over my body."
I just realized what it was. My ex-father-in-law was there. I never focused on his face, though, partly because I had my reading glasses on; partly because I felt the sensation immediatly and was looking round and round from the first second. Funny how the subconscious can see things we don't. Anyway. He's the closest thing to a father I've ever had. And he didn't greet me. Considering the things a BPD DID, etc., sufferer will make up--because, really, they don't know--I guess it's not a surprise. It hurts, though. I've been forgiving in a Christian way all along. Looks like they're not going to. And, if you'll look at some of my trust mistakes listed in #25475 above, that cost me everything I ever worked for. Like I said at Ace's I could have gone many different ways before I met her, like starting the restructuring of my business, finishing my house (only 40 days out), locking in the equity, and spending two weeks in Brazil. In fact, that was my very plan.
And here, I mentioned why I'm being painted black. It's similar to my post at #25475, but much greater detail. I wasn't there. I didn't do it. She's unblameworthy. I know I pushed too hard. But I didn't do it.
It's frustrating. I'm now black evil because of someone's most primitive, subjectivity-driven, surreal, ego protection mechanisms, which are perfectly understandable, considering what she's been through. But. I didn't do it. I just tried to get her to stop drinking because her son, the only boy to ever call me "dad"--the most wonderful word I've ever heard--expressed his concern in private. I screwed-up the attempt, of course, out of arrogance and marked ignorance of the depth of her underlying condition. But I'm not one of the creatures from the dark past. It's not fair to paint me with that brush. She has little choice, I know that. But they know better. In fact, I put her ahead of me in everything. She made all the big decisions. I carried them out. Like I said, I'm Co-D. That's why I lost everything.
(continued)
7508. wabbit - 8/25/2009 1:09:42 AM 25523. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 3:18:09 AMI'm ranting, because it stings really hard. I love that man. You have to believe your little girl, of course, but he should know better. If you read the texts, like mine, heh, these people make-up or mold reality at will. Stepping on you proves to them they're not "a bad person." If you look bad, how can they look bad? Of course, no one said they were bad; no one tried to make them look bad, but, for them, any criticism is taken as a statement they're bad. Thus, no apologies, however warranted; kick in the defense afterburners, and knock 'em down. That way, you're safe. I'm not complaining about her. I understand her and forgive her. And if she needs a bad guy, I'll be it. I'm just hurt he didn't say hi. You know, maybe he thought I saw him first and purposely didn't say anything. I hope not. That would mean, of course, I'm even more of an asshole. I really hope not. In that case, couldn't God, the fates, Evis, or Abraham Lincoln have told me to lose the glasses before getting outta the car? /rant But I really love that guy. 25527. rdbrewer - 8/12/2009 3:40:57 AM Must have had an open tag there. Here is another thing I wrote at TPW: "Psychological honesty is precious. As I mentioned upthread, these things are stealthy. If psychological honesty becomes a goal, these mechanisms have to be monitored and beaten back over and over. This is probably very nearly impossible without at least some counseling. BUT. Once past a certain hurdle, it's easy. And try to avoid thinking I'm universalizing my own experience. Dr. Richardson hit on this in quotes I posted upthread. We are flawed beings. Easy to recite, but real acceptance of those words is another matter. Monitoring for these whack-a-mole background programs becomes a piece of cake once you understand that you are designed to screw up. We're the screw-up species, Homo Sapiens Sapiens Screw-up. Once you expect to screw up, the self-bullshit mechanisms are much less important. What would be the need at that point? They're hardly required. Recall the following quote from above, "Once these inner experiences are properly understood consciously, you can begin to live an emotionally open and honest life, and your unhealthy defenses will dissolve because they will no longer have any useful function." Anyway. What I get from reading Dr. Richardson is that acceptance of our flawed nature is the key to psychological honesty. It's the big hurdle." 7509. wabbit - 8/25/2009 1:10:13 AM 25571. Dubai Vol - 8/23/2009 3:11:27 AMUp early again. Getting only 4-5 hours of sleep a night lately. A bit worrying, as it's one of the early indicators of a "mood swing." Just went to the doc friday and got some pills for just that; after 30 years of doing without, it's a big step for me. 25574. Dubai Vol - 8/23/2009 10:45:24 AM Yep, getting the finest care from the great American health care system, for as long as I can pay for it. The antidpressants the doc prescribed, that I don't think I need, nor want to take, cost $400 a month. I haven't started on them yet, and will pay good money for another visit next week to try to argue him out of them, instead of waiting a month to tell him I'm not taking them. At least he's willing to try a low dose of lithium to start. I'm taking less than he recommended for now, and may increase as I se how it goes. This approach, going to a private doc when I feel fairly normal, beats heck out of the way I have been medicated before: in a locked ward while having a full-blown manic episode. Still feeling more than a bit trepidatious. Oh well, baby steps. Aren't you glad you asked? :D 25575. Dubai Vol - 8/23/2009 10:47:04 AM Oh, wait, you didn't. 25576. wabbit - 8/23/2009 11:10:22 AM I'm thinking that most folks who are getting their panties in a twist over healthcare have never needed anything more than the most basic care. I hope you get the drug and dose sorted soon, keep us posted. 25579. Ms. No - 8/23/2009 2:29:09 PM Dubai, Lay it on us. I can empathize with the meds debate. I got "lucky" in that I only suffer depression as opposed to also having the swings of mania like others in my family, but all of these mood afflictions seem to share an aversion to taking the meds that quite often are life and sanity saving. I struggled with my meds for a few years for various reasons, not least of those being simple inertia, but once I got on them for good my quality of life really improved. I was able to make progress in my life that didn't get wiped out by the cyclical destruction that plagued me when I was unmedicated and trying to be brave and maintain and stiff upper lip and all of that. A lot of it was giving up on the idea that I was some kind of pussy because I felt better with meds. Nobody thinks you're a pussy for taking insulin if you're diabetic. Three years ago when I got laid off and made the move to Sacto to pursue my new career I had to adjust to being off meds for the first time in five years because I didn't have health insurance anymore to cover the cost, but I had too much savings to be eligible for government assistance. Anyway, it's been a rougher three years for the lack of meds and I'm looking forward to finally being able to get them again. Hell, I haven't even had a regular physical or been to a dentist in the last three years. 7510. wabbit - 8/25/2009 1:10:36 AM 25581. arkymalarky - 8/23/2009 4:39:29 PM The lack of access to medical care without a job to provide it is criminal. It doesn't need to be free or even cheap. But if Bob or I lost our jobs it would cost over $700 to carry the two of us on the AR public ed system. And Mose couldn't get it at all. She was denied for absolutely nothing. After seeing what happened with her it was obvious if you ever get medical help, once you need to buy insurance on your own you're screwed. It's scary. 25582. arkymalarky - 8/23/2009 4:41:14 PM To be clear, she has it with her job. She couldn't get it independently. 25584. Ms. No - 8/23/2009 5:51:51 PM Insurance is extortion. You pay because you're afraid that if you don't, you'll end up needing that protection and have no way to obtain it. You pay in case you have a catastrophe. The problem is that if you don't have a catastrophe you've paid tens if not hundreds of thousands of dollars over the course of your life for care you didn't need. 25585. wabbit - 8/23/2009 6:48:45 PM Insurance is legalized gambling and the only people who win are the heads of the insurance companies and lobbyists. R&D is tax deductible for drug companies. Then they go whining about how they need to charge an arm and a leg for their drug to make up for the R&D costs that have already been picked up by the taxpayers. Then they open manufacturing plants in Puerto Rico where they get favorable tax status and pay nothing on their profits. Then they sell the drug at cost everywhere but the US, which helps drive up our insurance rates. Then they come up with a new use for their expensive drug, which gets them a patent extension. And one of those drugs is Enbrel, which was originally developed for RA, then used for psoriasis, then Juvenile RA, then ankylosing spondylitis...and eventually it will be granted a patent extension for every auto-immune condition known to man. But god forbid we have "SOCIALIZED" medicine, like they have in Congress. Maybe this can be continued in the Health thread. 25586. Dubai Vol - 8/23/2009 9:11:51 PM My uncle, a recently retired doctor (anesthesiology,) told me tonight that his office billed ~40% of its work to the government already, between Medicare and other programs. So we are already almost halfway to socialised medicine now.
7511. wabbit - 8/25/2009 1:14:23 AM 25587. arkymalarky - 8/23/2009 9:53:43 PM I don't see any good argument for keeping insurance companies. Means test everything and force all parts of the med profession to compete directly rather than thru insurance companies. Reposting this in Health 25588. judithathome - 8/24/2009 11:45:01 AM Just went to the doc friday and got some pills for just that; after 30 years of doing without, it's a big step for me. Depending on the meds you get, you will see a vast improvement after starting it. I resisted sleeping pills for months after my son passed away and finally, the effects of sleep deprivation got so glaring, I decided to take the doc's advice and started taking Ambien. It's been like a miracle for me. 25589. Dubai Vol - 8/24/2009 12:21:21 PM A lot of it was giving up on the idea that I was some kind of pussy because I felt better with meds. Nobody thinks you're a pussy for taking insulin if you're diabetic. Thanks for that. I've seen the diabetes analogy before, and that's a good point. My real resistance has always been a fear of losing my "self" to the meds-having them change my personality. A chemical lobotomy if you will. I've gone now to the dose the doc recommended, and still feel normal, so that's a huge relief. My objection to the anti-depressants is two-fold: if I start on two meds and feel better, how do I know which is responsible? It's like my experience engineering race cars. You change one variable at a time. If you change two things and go faster, which change did it? My other objection is that I don't know that I really need anti-depressants. I may get there, but I want to try just the lithium alone first. I am lucky to have an uncle who has been a dear friend for 40 years (ever since he married my aunt) let me stay with them while I get sorted out. Thanks all for the kind words. I appreciate the support more than you know. 25597. Ms. No - 8/24/2009 7:37:41 PM Dubai, I agree with you on the two meds thing. I'm not a doctor, though, so what makes perfect common sense to me may not be medically sound. I think things have gotten a lot more refined than they used to be where it was just "keep throwing meds at the patient until it seems like something works." Please feel free to ask me anything. If you come across something you'd rather not post in open forum, you're welcome to email me if you'd prefer. Seriously, I've had some rough experiences and some really good help and if I can help somebody else out with this crap, I'm happy to do it.
7512. Dubai Vol - 8/25/2009 9:00:10 AM I think it's a matter of experience and confidence. To continue the racing analogy, my doc may be the Roger Penske of psychiatry, and can take one look at a person and prescribe this and that, and be done. But I am not to that point, and need to proceed in a way that I am comfortable with. Just starting on lithium is a huge step for me.
He's got me on two 300 mg pills before bed, but I think that may be too much at once. I feel slightly "drugged" at the moment. Nothing spectacular, but I've always been sensitive, especially as I am not on any other drugs at all: no caffeine for almost 20 years, stopped smoking 3 years ago, and even cut out all drinking weeks ago, when I first decided to try lithium again. Eliminating a variable. Giving up beer was far easier than stopping smoking; a non-issue.
Anyway, to fill y'all in, I had the worst depression of my life over the past year and more, so bad that I finally had to admit that I actually do get depressed. Before, when I would spend a year as a hermit after a manic episode, I never felt depressed, and told myself I was just pissed off. Then I would feel better and get on with life. No official manic episode preceding this bout, tho I've certainly struggled with the mood swings over the years. Just feeling slightly manic has, since my last visit to the locked ward in '94, been all it took to scare me straight, as it were.
Or so I am telling myself. After just a few days on lithium, I fancy that I am passing through my optimum serum level during the day. I feel unusually calm until evening, when I go back to my usual "cat in a room full of rocking chairs" state. Usual for lately, anyway. I think I may be fending off a manic episode, but that's not really a concern. I've been at this place many times before, and even without meds managed well enough. I almost feel as if I am "cheating" by having the meds, but it's a good feeling: comforting to not have to do it alone and unaided any more.
7513. Dubai Vol - 9/6/2009 3:23:27 PM Got my first full night's sleep in ages last night. For several weeks I was waking after only 2-3 hours, alert and refreshed, unable to go back to sleep. I was keeping a regular schedule, going to bed at the same time every night, but waking at 1 or 2 AM. Last night I felt tired and turned in early and slept until dawn, 10 hours straight.
I am hopeful that this is a good sign, and that the manic state is receding. I am good at controlling myself, as I have had to learn to do over the years while I was not on meds, but it involves a lot of restraining myself from saying and doing things that I am impelled to do, mostly intrusive ideas about other people: "you know, it would be better if you..." kind of stuff. Maniacs are bloody experts on everything. Or at least we think so when we're manic.
Seeing the doc a week from Monday, and expect the lab results will say I need a larger dose. I agree. So far I still feel myself, so that's good. The feeling of being drugged has passed. 7514. arkymalarky - 9/6/2009 5:22:15 PM Great news, Dubai! 7515. Ms. No - 9/6/2009 5:35:32 PM Definitely good news!
I try to think about meds like free money. Money doesn't buy happiness but it greatly reduces a lot of stressors and frees up time so you can pursue happiness on your own. If some entity were to blithely drop enough money on me to ease the stress of my life I wouldn't turn it down. I wouldn't feel in the least ashamed that my own labors weren't enough to make me well-off. Why it's harder to accept that my own labors aren't enough to make me feel well all the time, I couldn't say, but I like the analogy and I'm sticking with it!
7516. Dubai Vol - 9/6/2009 9:12:56 PM Thanks, both. I am staying with my uncle, the retired anesthesiologist, but he's not really very good at the touchy-feely stuff. Not for lack of sympathy or caring, just not his thing. He wouldn't notice a manic state if I swung from the chandelier. OTOH he is my oldest friend (I was ring-bearer, at age 7, in his wedding to my aunt) and he has been there for me in tough times before. Having a safe place right now is a huge help. 7517. Dubai Vol - 9/15/2009 3:09:17 AM FOllow-up with the doc today, went very well. The antidepressant he prescribed, we decided I don't need it, which is just as well, as I hadn't started taking it. So I am still just taking lithium, at an increased dose as expected; blood work showed I am not yet in the clinically-accepted therapeutic range yet. I could tell, as I am a bit manic lately, and wouldn't mind a little help keeping a lid on it. 7518. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 12/7/2009 4:26:38 AM 
7519. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 1/21/2010 9:47:37 PM 
7520. TheWizardOfWhimsy - 1/30/2010 12:29:39 AM 7521. anomie - 5/5/2010 2:10:01 AM Howdy Ya'll. I had quintuple bypass surgery in late Feb and I'm doing fine, but that's not the story. I've been vigorously walking around a local park everyday, and have become quite fond of the wildlife and watching their Darwinian struggles. Watch this little duckie do it IT'S way and make it up the stream...
7522. arkymalarky - 5/5/2010 5:05:10 AM Anomie! Great to see you and glad you got through okay!
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